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5:24 a.m. - 2001-12-05

SOMETIMES THE BEST MAN ISN'T THE BEST CHOICE

I have been picked to be the best man in a wedding a total of three times.

The first time caught me completely off-guard. The second time I was totally against the wedding. And the third time I turned it down.

The first time was in 1985. I was managing a Waffle House, which means I knew what they meant when those toothless hags yelled out "Order over easy, browns scattered, smothered and covered!!"

I had a cook working for me that had been employed with us for two months which is an eternity to Waffle House management. I wanted to shower him with gifts and badges and a nametag that said "I'm a Two-Monther!" Most people last an average of six hours before they quit, which means you just have to hire another ex-con and train them not to spit on the grill.

Anyway, this cook started dating one of the waitresses there. Although this was against policy, I just turned the other way. I'll be damned if I'm going to fire a two-monther just because he wants to hump a skank every now and then.

Within a month of dating, these two decided they wanted to get married.

NOW.

I remember that she already had kids and was older than him. He was a simple lad ... which basically meant he was borderline retarded.

He came to me one Monday morning and said that he and his woman were going to tie the knot on Saturday night. And he wanted ME to be his best man.

Now...I'll be honest...I barely knew the guy. He worked the night shift and I would see him when he came in and when he got off each night. I don't even recall making small talk with the guy.

And I don't remember his name. Or what he even looked like. I remember he had dark hair, but that's it. Yeah...the boy made an impression on me.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to be the best man and I remember him saying he couldn't think of anyone better.

Sheesh.

Maybe we should go hang down at the Salvation Army for a few minutes and get you a better best man, dude. Because I don't think I'm the best choice.

Still, I did it. Had to rent a tux and buy a gift. Other than that, I wasn't put out any.

Oh...I had to scramble to find someone to cover his shift that night. Luckily, there was no honeymoon and he was back to work on Sunday.

Oh...and I had sex with the Matron of Honor that evening. That was pretty wild. A bunch of us went to a party afterwards and I invited the Matron to come with us. She agreed. Several drinks later, she needed to be taken back to the betrothed couple's apartment. One drunken thing led to another and we had a short little honeymoon ourselves.

...And no...I don't remember her name either. Lisa or something. Cheryl? Sherry? All I remember was dark hair and leopard skin panties.

*Cough*


The second wedding was my old friend Scott's wedding.

I was asked to be best man because he had a falling out with his real best friend, Craig.

Granted, Scott and I were good close friends, spending a great deal of time together. And Craig was formerly part of that close knit group for a long time. But then Craig started dating a girl that Scott didn't approve of (she kept trying to stab Craig with cutlery ... Scott found this to be strange. She's dead now of cancer. Not like that has anything to do with the story, but I just found this out on Thanksgiving and can now rest assured she won't ever try to stab me for talking smack about her).

Now...I HATED Scott's fiancee. Is it two "E's" or one? I don't remember. Anyway...I HATED her. She didn't care for me either. She was snooty, snotty and tried to give off the aura that she was better than everyone else. I would go over to their house and she would get up and leave the room as soon as I got there. Scott told me to not take it personally, but how can you not?

Granted, she hated me because I was Scott's pot-smoking buddy. She blamed me for his smoking. If she only knew that Scott was the one supplying me with the pot, she may have changed her tune a bit. Bitch.

Anyway, Scott decides it's time for them to get married and asked me to be his best man.

I REALLY tried to tell him it should be Craig. He and Craig had been friends since the fourth grade. It was time to kiss and make up and accept the fact that his buddy was dating a psycho killer.

He wanted me.

I told him I didn't think his soon-to-be wife would want me in the wedding.

He didn't care. He wanted me.

So I did it.

Two things really stand out about the day. One was the bride's young cousin...a cute girl who knew damned well she was cute. She was every bit of a bitch as the bride was...not talking to anybody but the bride, never smiling, a very unfriendly lass.

During the ceremony, little Miss Bitch's knees locked up on her and she passed out while we were all standing there. All I heard was a "THUD!" and without being too obvious, I looked over in her direction and saw her on the floor. The pastor never skipped a beat as he kept the ceremony going. Meanwhile, Miss Bitch's father carried her over to the pews where she sat crying in humiliation.

The coolest part is ... it all showed up on the wedding video. Whoever shot the thing made sure they focused on her after her dramatic tumble and got a close-up of her bawling her eyes out before returning back to the wedding at hand.

I can't count the amount of times Scott and I got buzzed and watched that part of the video. Scott didn't care for the little bitch either.

The second part I remember is ... I wouldn't make a speech at the reception.

It is customary for the best man to make a speech and a toast to the happy couple.

I told Scott that I just couldn't find the right words to do this. He said it was okay and understood, but he really didn't. I just couldn't think of a damned nice thing to say about his bitchy wife. I didn't want Scott marrying her, I thought it was a mistake and that he would end up hating his new life.

They're still together with a five year-old daughter. They just moved out of her parent's home into a new home. He works in a battery store and hates his life.

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!!


The third best man episode I politely turned down.

Well...I say "politely"...I never gave the guy a firm answer. To the best of my knowledge, he's probably still waiting for an answer.

When I first started using the Internet in the mid 90's, I was heavily into the chat rooms...one in particular.

It's amazing the friends you can make in these things. I don't visit them anymore for a number of reasons...one of which is that I was spending way too much time in there and neglecting my wife horribly.

...Now I just get up at 4 a.m. and write in this. I don't really see that as neglecting...do you?

Anyway, there was a guy in the chat room that I liked okay. But when you have about 30-40 regulars in the room, you actually have cliques that you hang with. I had about six people in the room that I really liked a lot. I was nice to everyone, but those six people I'd always have the best rapport with.

Well, this guy started seeing another girl in the chat room. They soon fell in love and let everyone know it with their constant messages of love to each other in front of all of us.

Personally, it made me and others want to gag.

One day, he private messaged me and asked me to be his best man in their wedding.

I was shocked. I hadn't even seen a photo of the guy. But he said...and I quote..."If you're the best man, it assures that you'll be here...and if you come, everyone else will come."

I know the wedding was in California. That much I remember.

I told the guy to let me talk to Susie about it and see if we can afford a trip to California so I can be the best man in a wedding of two people that I didn't actually know, only so that my presence would insure that others from the chat room would fly out there."

How sad is that? That the best man's presence could somehow upstage the actual wedding?

I know it comes off as egotistical, and I hate to sound that way ... but it's the truth. For the most part, I was well-liked in the chat room. There were some people that hated me, just like I still have readers who hate me. But this guy thought that with me at the wedding, people would actually come, just to meet me.

Holy cow.

I think I eventually told the guy I couldn't do it. I truly don't remember if I told him or not. I knew as soon as he asked that I wouldn't do it. I wasn't going to fly across country to be in a wedding of people that I would meet for the first time in the airport.

It was just a bit too odd for me.

I have no idea if they ever got married or not. That experience and a few others drove me away from the chat channels forever.

So as you see...guys...pick your best man wisely. Pick someone who you know will still be around days after the wedding and someone that will always be there.

That's what I did.

My best man?

My dad.

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