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09:13:44 - 2000-06-03

SOME OF THE BEST SEX I'VE EVER HAD

Y'know...I was sitting here STUMPED as to what to write about this morning.

Then I thought...why not revisit the "old" Uncle Bob...the nasty one that used sex stories to lure readers in, like most Diarylanders do at first.

Then I thought...but why? You don't need to resort to cheap and tawdry stories about your sex life to entertain people, dammit!! YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THOSE!!!

...oh hell yes, I am....

Twice in my life, I've had the good fortune of living out every man's fantasy ... two women at once.

However ... both times were not your typical fantasy. Instead they turned into bungled adventures of Captain Stupid. The SECOND TIME that I've attempted this was already documented a few months back.

This will document the first time.

Prepare yourselves ... this is bound to get a little sleazy and you're going to think "Ewwwww...Uncle Bob...yer a perv...."

(Bob takes a swing of his morning Coke and just grins)

... correction babe...WAS a perv....

It was summer, 1985. I was 23 years old and working as a bouncer in a nightclub.

The drinking age was 21 there, and we had our share of kids who would try to get in with either a fake ID or a real shitty excuse.

But if the gals looked good, and their IDs were fake, we let 'em in anyway.

(Rule of the bar business #1 ... if you want a successful bar, you only need two things...whiskey and women)

I used to let these two girls in all the time who were only 18. They had just graduated from high school and loved to come out to our club. They were both fine as hell, so I let them in every time.

Plus, they'd flirt with me.

Tee-hee!!

(Bob blushes)

So anywhooo...one night only Tammy came in. Tammy was cute, but she was no Cathy. Cathy was DA BOMB.

...Which means blonde hair, big boobs and she'd never been hit in the face with a shovel ...

So Tammy and I just sat on stools and talked for a while and she let it slip that Cathy wanted to go out with me.

*gulp*

She gave me Cathy's phone number and told me to call her.

I did. We set up a date. I'd pick her up at 2 p.m. and we were going to make a day of it.

Picked her up at 2. By 5 p.m. we were in my bedroom, making out heavily. My parents were gone for the weekend and it was just me and my 15 year old sister at home.

Guess who decides to barge in while I have a strange woman only 3 years older than my sister on my bed?

Yep.

My sister.

So Cathy and I leave to go get some time alone.

We go over to Tammy's place. Tammy lived with her mom, but her mom was out of town for the evening.

So we decided the three of us should get plastered while Mom was gone.

I went and bought a case of beer and we sat and played "Quarters" for a while until everyone got good and drunk.

Then, Tammy starts talking about the one lesbian affair that she had in the past when she was 16.

I can't speak for everyone, but I was sure as hell aroused.

Cathy got up to go to the bathroom. Tammy suggested that we all spend the night there because we were too drunk to drive.

I agreed wholeheartedly.

Tammy suggested that the three of us slept in her Mom's king-sized bed together.

I said "No".

That's right.

No.

I TOLD AN 18 YEAR OLD BABE THAT SHE COULDN'T GO TO BED WITH ME AND HER BEST FRIEND.

Believe me...I'm still kicking myself 15 years later ...

Why did I say such a stupid thing???

Goddamned alcohol....I thought that if all 3 of us slept together, nothing would get accomplished. We'd all have to lay there and mind our manners.

Apparently...the alcohol had temporarily shut down my Fantasy Bank. I was presented with the PERFECT set-up to kick back and enjoy man's #1 fantasy....and I blew it.

I remember at one point, the three of us had squeezed into a small bathroom and the girls changed into t-shirts there in front of me like nobody was there. That was too cool for a loser like me. And it was the perfect opportunity to change my mind and invite Tammy to bed with us.

But nope. Too fucking ignorant.

We decided to hit the sack. Cathy and I went to Tammy's mom's room while Tammy went to her room alone.

Cathy wanted a back massage. So she laid face down on the bed while I straddled her and massaged her back. I got off of her and she turned over, took off her t-shirt and had the most beautiful body of any woman I had ever seen in the flesh in my life.

A perfect body.

One of those bodies that all women say "Oh...I hate women with those bodies".

Yep ... one of those bodies.

Luckily for me, I was still having retarded ejaculation problems.

We had sex for a while and it was great.

I went to ....ummmmm...god...I've turned into such a prude these days....I went to lick the kitty and she grabbed me.

Apparently....she was one of the types that didn't care to have the kitty licked.

Bummer.

BUT!!

BUT!!!!!

BUTTTT!!!!!!

Cathy let me in on a little secret ... Tammy enjoyed having her kitty licked.

Hmmmm....well...this sure posed a problem ...y'see ... Tammy was in her bed right now alone. We were in here....

Cathy asked me if I'd like to lick Tammy's kitty.

Okay ... I wasn't ignorant ALL NIGHT LONG. I told her "Gee...I've gotta lick SOMEONE...."

Said and done.

Cathy jumped out of the bed (completely naked...tres erotic) and went to Tammy's room to tell her Uncle Bob needed a kitty to lick ...GET IN THERE NOW!!!

Problem time ...

Tammy had just called her ex-boyfriend WHO SHE SWORE SHE WOULDN'T CALL IF SHE GOT DRUNK AND HORNY and he was going to finish work and head on over there.

But ... she SWORE she just wanted to talk to him, there was NOT going to be in any action.

And he wasn't going to be there for at least 30 minutes.

And...with that way of thinking...Tammy waltzed into the room and laid down on the bed before me, putting an ankle on each of my shoulders.

I coulda died and gone to Heaven.

I remember Cathy, standing in the doorway and grinning and then slowly closing the door, leaving the two of us alone.

Okay ... back to the stupid mistakes. I SHOULDA demanded that Cathy stay in the room and just watch. I didn't.

In any case...I went to town on Tammy. She was gripping the sheets, the bedspread, my ears, anything she could get her hands on. She was making sounds like a wounded moose begging not to be shot through the head.

It was uberfun.

I have no idea how much time passed. Maybe ten minutes. Then the door flew open and Cathy was standing there naked.

"Your boyfriend's here," she gasped into the room.

The Buffet is now closed.

Tammy jumped up, kissed me on the mouth and thanked me, grabbed her clothes and ran into the living room to answer the door.

Cathy jumped back in bed and asked me if I'd had a good time.

Heh. Coulda been better if we'd had better lines of communication and Joe Ex hadn't shown up.

Cathy and I then had sex until 3 a.m. while Tammy did God knows what with her ex-boyfriend. I remember it was 3 a.m. when I finally ejaculated, because I thought..."Oh shit, it's 3 a.m. I left my sister at home by herself all night".

One small note. Actually ... one big assed note....

I am the king of ejaculation. I don't mess around when I pop the cork. I can put porn stars to shame with the amount of ejaculate I can produce. Medical studies show the average man ejaculates two teaspoons of semen during orgasm.

I give you a quarter cup every time, babe.

She asked me to pull out when I felt the urge to spoot all over.

Not a problem.

We were in the missionary position when I finally let loose.

As she laid there, I took aim.

SPLOTCH!

Right in the eye.

That was the night I found out that semen burns when shot in the eye.

Now...please...don't get me wrong...taking aim was a joke. I did not intend to shoot her in the eye.

I'm not a sadistic bastard. Just one that puts off an orgasm for hours and when it finally hits, it flies out like a cannonball.

Without getting into graphic detail (Awwwwwwww!!!) I made quite a mess.

I remember at one point, she exclaimed "Jesus!" over the fact that I couldn't stop.

Finally, I spilled enough seed to feed a third world country full of $5 prostitutes and collapsed on the bed next to her.

And knew in my head that I had just enjoyed a night to remember.

.................

........Did I already tell this story before???

If so ... I apologize. But it beats reading about me cleaning out the Tupperware cabinets all night preparing for a yard sale, doesn't it??

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