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5:15 a.m. - 2001-04-02

BIGGEST RAT IN TOWN...LITERALLY

Y'know...there's a lot to be said for rancid orange juice.

Just...you know...in case you needed to know...

Sooooo...today is the first day of this whole "Biggest Rat in Town" competition. And I am OVER being stressed about it.

If I don't win the competition...so what? I'm not a big rat. Big deal. Nothing to lose sleep over.

...But...it looks like I might stand a chance if everyone else is just real REEEEEEAL lazy.

My campaign manager got me up to date on everything she's been doing to get this thing flying. She's really taken the bull by the horns and slapped some sense into him. The LEAST we should make off the golf tournament is $5,000. She and her husband are estimating closer to $10,000 will be brought in.

The cool thing is ... I'm not ACTIVELY pursuing the donations until the last week of the month. Up until then, it's just a letter writing campaign and a full page ad in the paper, begging people to send me money.

So I still have three weeks to work on everything and finalize stuff.

TODAY ... we all meet at the local mall and have to have some sort of friendly competition to kick the campaign off.

The competition is called "Survivor Island". So it's obviously a take-off on "Survivor". Just what exactly we're going to have to do is beyond me. All I know is ... ah'm going to be on the big television picture box.

Yep. Unca Bob...television picture box star! Hoooo Weeee!! Ah best git muh finest overalls together for this here fancy shindig!!

I just hope I don't embarrass myself. Furthermore, I hope I don't have to wear a t-shirt.

Y'see ... I'm a BIG BOY. All that weight I gained while Susie was pregnant? The weight I swore I was going to lose as soon as Andy was born??

I've still got it. And it's only getting larger.

And when there are competitions such as these, EVERYONE gets an XL t-shirt.

I need at LEAST a 3XL t-shirt. Gimme a 4XL and I'm a happy, comfortable camper.

I'm not a monster, folks. I just have wide shoulders and a gut that looks like a 50-lb bag of wet cement.

Try squeezing me in an XL t-shirt and I'm as constrained as Charles Manson at a parole board hearing. I can't move my arms and my breathing becomes halted. I look like a paraplegic hippo with asthma in an XL t-shirt.

I can't remember if they've had to wear t-shirts in the past, but I think that's been the norm. And if it's the case this year, this is going to suck.

Anyway ... you'll get the full scoop tomorrow, of course.


I originally thought this was some sort of sick April Fool's Joke. Sadly ... I don't think it is.

I really hope you two get things worked out. You're in my prayers.


Jeezum Crow...I think the wife just fell in the shower.

Should I go look??

What if she has fallen and hit her head and there's blood everywhere??

What if she has to be transported to the emergency room where her head has to be stitched up and her arm in a cast??

What if we have to spend all day at the hospital because of her and I miss my "Biggest Rat in Town" kickoff??

Hmmm.

I won't have to wear an XL t-shirt. That might be good.

Maybe I should go check on her.

Nahhhhh.


Okay. I went and checked. She dropped the shampoo bottle.

Shit.

XL t-shirt time.


The sis and her boyfriend left yesterday afternoon.

Susie and I have decided...my sis has control issues when it comes to her men.

She's 31 and hasn't been married yet. We kinda figured that mystery out this weekend.

Keep in mind...she desperately WANTS marriage.

But she's more of a mother to her men than a lover.

Case in point...

She laid out all his clothes for him for this trip. She says she "does it every day". So she tells him what to wear every day.

We went out to eat at a deli Saturday afternoon and they both ordered baked potatoes. She HOUNDED him until he finally put salsa on his potato. This went on for at least five minutes.

"Honey, try salsa on your potato."

"I don't want to."

"Honey, you'll like it. Try it."

"I don't want salsa on my potato. My potato is fine."

"Really, honey...try it. Make me happy."

"I don't want to."

"You'll like it."

"Fine. (Puts salsa on potato)."

"How is it?"

"Fine."

"Told you so!"

She also berates everything the guy wants to watch on TV. He apparently likes a lot of sports ... from football to pro wrestling, if it's men running or hitting each other, color him there.

She must have bitched about it at least twice in a 24 hour period while they were here.

In the last ten years, she's had three LONGTIME boyfriends...The first lasted about five years, the second two years, and this last one has lasted three years.

The first two boyfriends are now married to other women. And they didn't wait long to do it. Within a year of breaking up with my sister, they were married.

It's like...once they get away from her mothering smothering tactics, they find true love and settle down.

Lesson to be learned here ladies ... don't smother your men.

Kristi asked her boyfriend point blank yesterday when they were going to get married while we ate lunch.

He tactfully avoided the subject and started talking about his dessert.

Now THAT should tell her something. The boy AIN'T interested.

Her biological clock is ticking and she wants kids. Personally, I think she needs to move on. Trust me...she's a sweet woman and her only flaw are these control issues where she's trying to mold her men into what SHE wants them to be.

And even though her man is a nice guy as well ... he's a very big introvert. Extremely shy. While she's about as outgoing as you can get, he hid in the church nursery yesterday so he wouldn't have to come out into the sanctuary and actually meet people until a minute or so before the service started. Then when the service ended, he went out to the van and waited for us to come out, rather than be introduced to people and shake hands.

I dunno. It's not my problem. But I would like for her to be happy, get married and have kids.

It's really not too much to ask.


Well ... the baby's awake. And regardless of what I wrote here yesterday ... I DO want to be with him in the mornings when he wakes up.

So with that...I'm outta here. Have a good day ... I'll let you all in on the competition I'll have to do today in tomorrow's entry.

Damn.

There'd BETTER NOT be any XL t-shirts, or I'm gonna be one grumpy assed fat guy.

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