BITCHES AND BRIDGES

So yesterday, my intern Kim and I went to our Parks and Recreation Department to interview a woman and write a story on an upcoming crafts fair called "Festival In The Park".

My intern's writing the story. I've written enough crap about this certain crafts fair over the years.

We get to the place and wait for the lady to come out and take us back to her office.

The woman is Carol.

A little background on Carol.

A few years ago, my newspaper ran a contest where you could "Win A Party With Uncle Bob".

(Trust me...it wasn't MY idea...)

Each week, there was a new winner in this contest from people who had sent in entries. We would then all gather at this small, intimate theater and would watch a movie, and hang out and I'd have to make small talk with a bunch of strangers. I'd feed them chicken fingers and fries and plug them full of soft drinks, etc.

...Sounds like a really fun party, huh??

...I'm being sarcastic here.

The first week was cool. I was jazzed about the contest ... I went out of my way to be entertaining.

By the last week, I was just showing up, showing everyone where the food was, and sitting down and struggling to stay awake during the movie, leaving as soon as it was over.

Anyway ... Carol had won one of the parties and that's how we first met.

Since that time we had contact with each other about other projects that she had been working on and wanted publicitiy for.

In a nutshell ... I thought we were fairly decent acquaintances.

Yesterday, she was outright RUDE to me.

RUDE.

ME.

Kin ya believe of such a thang???

Maybe she was having a bad day ... I dunno. But she was real short with Kim and I, just shoving pictures of the Festival in our hands and telling us, "call me if you have any questions."

Ring! Ring!! Hey Carol...why're you being such an ass??

We were there to write a story and she obviously wasn't in any mood to be interviewed. I had cleared this whole thing with her the day before. She said it'd be fine and now she was pushing us out the door with no story.

Soooo...I thought I'd put her in her place.

"Hey Carol," I said, looking her up and down. "Have you lost a LOT of weight lately?"

I mean ... I could tell. The last time I saw her, I thought of her as a friend. This time, I was mentally undressing her.

"Why yes...thank you for noticing," she smiled.

"Yeah," I said. "I mean...you used to be as big as me."

Okay ... we all know by now, Uncle Bob has put a few pounds on since the old lady went and got knocked up.

Carol just smiled, but I think she was instantly insulted by that remark.

I could have apologized but I just grinned and winked at her and told her we'd call her if we had any questions.

"Table for one...Miss Carol. Here you go, ma'am...we've put you in your place. Enjoy your dinner."

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So after Kim and I left the Parks and Recreation Department, it was such a beautiful day that I decided we needed to drive around and look for Kodak moments that we could print in the newspaper.

We found this tiny country bridge that was being built. About four workers were climbing all over this bridge, making it all purty and stuff.

The perfect Kodak moment.

I pulled the car over, we got out and I started walking around the bridge, snapping photos.

The workers were staring at me like vultures staring at a dead man in the desert.

Finally, the one with the most teeth was nominated to speak to me.

"Wha' choo doin?" he asked.

"I'm taking pictures of the bridge for the newspaper," I answered.

The man thought for a second.

"Who told you you could do that," he asked.

I thought for a second.

"Nobody," I answered. "I just thought it'd make for a good picture to show the progress of the bridge being built."

I shouldn't have used the word "progress". I think that was too big a word for his limited vocabulary.

"I don't understand," he finally said. "You're doin' WHAT??"

Good Lord, buddy. I'm down here walking around the bridge taking pictures for the newspaper. How much easier can I explain it??

"I'm taking pictures of the bridge for the newspaper to show how good of a job you guys are doing," I said, hoping to inflate his ego and shut him up.

Wrong.

"You got permission to do that," he asked.

I didn't.

"Yes," I lied. "Mr. Blount asked me personally to come down here and take pictures."

Mr. Blount is the man behind the bridge. He's incredibly wealthy...probably the wealthiest man in the city.

The worker thought about it for a second.

"A'ight," he said. "Go ahead and take pictures then."

Too late, pal. I was already done.

"Thanks," I called back, making him think he was important and in charge.

Kim and I got back in the car, turned around and drove off.

"See how much fun this job is," I asked her.

"If it was any more fun, I'd wet myself," she answered.

I like her. She's cool.

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I called the doctor's office yesterday. The office that had been checking out my arm.

I asked them why I never got called back when I was TOLD they would call me back and tell me what was wrong with my arm.

I apparently slipped through the cracks.

A man of my size.

I'm no ballerina, folks. I'm a big boy. And I slipped through the cracks.

Go figure.

So I go in today and they're going to refer me to another orthopedic surgeon.

Yahoo.

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I was driving Mattie Gee and I to lunch yesterday and we started talking about Diaryland and the punk ass beeyotch who has started a diary pretending to be me in order to gain attention for himself.

"Wait a second," Mattie confirmed. "Somebody is posing as you and hoping it gets him hits?"

"Yeah," I grinned.

Total silence.

"How pathetic is that??" Mattie asked.

We both laughed. Then we hit a tree head on and died instantly.

Okay...we DIDN'T hit a tree. But it sure is pathetic that there's somebody out there that is so lame that they had to start a diary to try and trick people into thinking I wrote it.

I can understand the celebrity diaries and people thinking they can pull that off.

But for someone to pretend they're another Diarylander...

Dude....you are soooo pathetic.

Here's twenty five dollars, man.

Go buy a life.

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

Would you rather live in a big city or the country?