UNCLE BOB LITE

Not a whole helluva lot to report, soldiers ...

Today's my last day at the newspaper. I'm not sad at all ... but after nine years of working for the company, it's gonna be strange to not drive there every morning.

The only reason I'm working today is because our deadlines have been moved up a day due to July 4th and the drunk-assed boss is still lost somewhere in America. So if I didn't work today, they literally wouldn't have a paper to put out this week. I think this is probably the first deadline day in nine years that I'm not really dreading, since it's my last one.

I dunno

Our preacher at church is on a two-month long sabbatical, so we have an interim preacher up on the pulpit.

And I can't STAND her.

She's not an official preacher...she's a student at Yale who's studying to be a preacher or some shit like that.

Anyway...she talks sooooo slowwwwww. I thought Southerners spoke slowly, but this woman takes the cake. It took every ounce of willpower I had to not jump up and scream "GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR, PREACHER LADY!!"

She does things differently from the usual preacher guy, which pisses me off too. I'm in a routine here...I NEED my silent prayer time to pray for my Army (suck-up suck-up). She doesn't give us Silent Prayer Time. Like I said to Susie...when am I supposed to pray then?

Susie said "Every day when you have the chance."

Bullshit. Gimme my damned silent prayer time.

OH!

And at one point in her sermon, she was talking about how some people have low self esteem and I SWEAR she said that her cousin has a saying ... "Don't shit on yourself."

Okay...THAT woke me up. I sat there thinking "Did she REALLY say that??"

So then, I'm trying to think what was it that she said? The other three words were correct ... but she may have substituted another word for "shit", but it sure sounded like "shit".

The only other word it coulda been was "shoot". And that makes no sense.

Neither does a grown adult shitting on themselves but hey...a saying is a saying.

I did yard work for most of yesterday afternoon. Did a decent job too, cutting limbs off of trees, trimming bushes, and edging the sidewalk and driveway.

God. How much more boring can this entry get?

Watched "KISS: Beyond the Makeup" on VH1 last night.

Man...KISS was the SHIT in my day. It's hard to believe they've been around for almost 30 years.

Yep.

Hard to believe, alright.

I wrote my final column yesterday for the paper.

I had a feeling it would be about the easiest column I ever wrote since I wasn't trying to be funny, I was just saying goodbye and thanking various people for all they've done for me.

I incorporated bits and pieces of the song "My Way" in the column which I thought was appropriate at first, but by the end of the column, the lyrics really didn't make sense and I ended up making fun of them.

What do I care? It's my last one. Screw it.

Andy.

Oh precious fucking Andy.

He woke up at 11 p.m., crying his baby ass off. Susie took care of him at that point.

At 3:15 a.m., he woke up, crying his baby ass off again.

Now it's my turn.

So I go in there, pat his ass and go "shhhhhhhh, shhhhhhhh" hoping that will put him back to sleep.

No go. He's up on his elbows, crying and checking everything out.

So I pick him up, sit in his glider and try to glide him back to sleep.

Hey!! I'm up and out of my crib!! It MUST be time to get up!!

Errrrr...no Andy. I'm trying to get you to go back asleep.

HEY!! Look!! It's the dog!! The dog's wagging her tail!! I must pet the dog!!!

No Andy. It's 3:20 a.m. You NEED to go back to sleep.

Awwww...c'mon Dad. Just put me on the floor for a second, let me grab a tiny handful of the dog's fur and yank on it as hard as I can until the dog yelps because that's the game we play!! C'mon Dad!!

No Andy. Rock a bye baby on the tree top. When the wind....

HEY!!! The dog's licking my foot!! C'mon Dad...LEMME PET HER!!!

NO ANDY! Now go to sleep, dammit!!

(silence)

Rock a bye baby on the tree top....

What was that, Dad?? I heard something. Lemme twist my head around like Linda Blair and see what that was.

Andy, it was the dog leaving the room. Now go to sleep.

Are you sure, Dad? Because I'm more than ready to go have a looksee if ya want.

That's okay Andy. Now go to sleep.

I dunno Dad. It sounded like....

That's it. Back in your crib you go. I'm tired and am not going to sit here in the middle of the night and play your stupid games.

WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Hey bud, cry your ass off for all I care. You're fine, you're not in any danger...cry cry cry, dude.

(Muffled cries behind his door)

...Little fucker...

And because I can't get to sleep after these types of sessions, I've basically been up since 3:15 a.m. this morning.

Which might explain why this entry sucks so hard. Usually I wake up and do this while I'm half asleep while this time I'm pretty much awake.

Yeah.

Anyway.

I'm going to go shower and go on in for my last day. I'll tell you more tomorrow as I begin my six-day vacation.

Oh.

Except tomorrow I'm doing something I've never done before.

Something I'm dreading. I'll make some decent money doing it ... but I have a feeling I'm not going to enjoy it.

And I'll tell ya about it tomorrow.

C-ya.