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09:33:00 - 2000-05-22

RANDOM MONDAY RAMBLINGS AND A PLEA FOR NEW BOOBIES

Alright...first off...I FEEL BAD ENOUGH!!!

Please...no more badgering me on my stupidity for throwing away vintage magazines.

I sincerely had hoped someone would drive by and take them. It didn't happen. Then they were rained on all day long. Now they're soggy piles of mildewy 20 year-old paper.

But man...I felt like I was standing by helplessly and watching my kids being tortured.

Anyway...it's over and done. The rain has stopped. The magazines now officially stink.

But inside...my heart is broken.

Plus...I didn't throw away ALL my magazines.

I still have all my Playboys and my National Lampoons.

BUT, I'm giving my Playboys to Mattie Gee who has been spanking his monkey furiously in anticipation of this wonderful gift.

I'm holding onto the National Lampoons because I never know when I will either A) Need inspiration for future humor columns or B) Need to steal 25-year old concepts for future humor columns.

Enough about my poor collectible magazines that are now ruined.

ENOUGH I SAID!!!

I caught Susie reading my actual 20-year-old diary yesterday. She was looking something up on the web and I had left it open on my desk.

It kinda freaked me out, even though the diary is on the web for public consumption. Still, when your significant other is reading about the day you lost your virginity, it's a little unnerving. You just have to stand back and say "Oh honey...she meant nothing to me. You're EVERYTHING!!"

...without snickering, of course...

My dog is laying here next to me asleep. She must be having a dream about chasing cats, because her little paws are jerking back and forth and her nose is twitching.

She doesn't understand the word "cat" but she understands the word "squirrel" and thinks anything that moves that isn't human or canine is a "squirrel".

So...when we're walking and I see a cat that she doesn't, I say "SQUIRREL!" and her ears shoot up and her cat radar goes wild as she spins around excitedly, looking for a cat.

Anyway...while she's laying here sleeping, I'm slowly whispering "squirrrrrel" to her and watching her little paws move even faster.

It's a fun trick to play on your dog.

Ooops. She just woke up. Musta been a good dream. She's panting and grinning.

Ummmm....nope. She just farted. That's what made her grin.

Didn't do much of anything else yesterday. Went to our SUPER Walmart (i.e. they sell food too) and the other "Big Lots" store in town that Susie loves.

I must admit...I'm kinda getting addicted to the Big Lots concept too. Lotsa crap that's dirt cheap because nobody else wanted it or the boxes are severely crushed.

I almost bought an old Heart disc, but I decided to just download the songs I wanted off the web instead of paying $4.99.

So right now, I'm downloading "Without You" by Heart from someone named "LicketyClit".

And I feel sooooo dirty doing it.

"I can't liiiiiiiive...if livin' is without youuuuuu...i can't giiiiiiiive.... i can't giiiiiive anymooooooore"

(Uncle Bob sways back and forth with his eyes closed tightly, belting out his soon-to-be MP3 like Ann Wilson on steroids)

I made Jerk Chicken last night. It wasn't that great and had no business being labeled "World Famous".

I watched bits and pieces of "Beverly Hills Ninja" with Chris Farley. I laughed my ass off everytime he'd hurt himself but other than that, it sucked.

The season finale of The Simpsons sucked. It was a "Behind The Music" takeoff called "Behind The Laughter".

It was WAYYYY behind the laughter. Because I didn't laugh once.

"Millionaire" was okay. The fat kid millionaire was back. He has gotten WAYYYY cockier than he was the first time he was on the show.

Money changes everything.

He kept acting like he and Regis were golf buddies now, cracking jokes and acting smug.

Hey...fat kid millionaire....GET A GIRLFRIEND, HOMBRE!!!

Then I watched the last hour of "The Stepford Wives".

That movie creeped me out as a kid. But the one thing I remember most was Katherine Ross showing up in a sheer negligee at the end of the movie.

I do think that was the first time I saw boobies other than my mom's, which weren't all that great to begin with.

At the age of 13, I wanted to MARRY Katherine Ross.

Strictly for her boobies.

Then I found out that no matter how great Katherine's boobies looked...ALL WOMEN have boobies.

So now, I wanna marry ALL WOMEN.

(Uncle Bob gets down on his arthritic knee).

"Will you, (your name here) and your magnificent boobies marry me?"

You don't have to answer me now. Think about it. I will get the divorce papers signed as soon as you say yes.

And bring those boobies.

And if your friends have boobies, bring them too.

Dare I say it??

HOORAY FOR BOOBIES!!!

You. Great day. Today. Love ya. Smoochie.

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