I am easily amused.

Some people would attribute this proposed defective personality disorder to the fact that my mind is simpler than most. I would agree, but I have no earthly idea what that last statement could have possibly meant.

Those of us that are easily amused are usually looked upon by society as simpletons. We're generally regarded as the type of folk that are more interested in what materials can be safely wedged up one's nostrils than the knowledge they could discover in a good book. This may be true in most cases. However, I've never crammed anything bigger than a car radio antenna up my nose so, once again, I can't say for sure.

So this week, I have decided to share my tips on how you too can pass away an otherwise boring moment. There are plenty of situations one might find themselves in where amusing oneself will help one keep a loose grip on sanity.

For instance, here's some fun things to do at the service desk of Walmart:

* Grab a microphone to the store's loudspeakers and say "1-Adam 12, we have a fat lady stuck in a girdle in dressing room 7, hocccccccck, 1-Adam 12, fat lady ... girdle... dressing room 7, hocccccccck, over."

* Turn yourself in as a potential shoplifter.

* Keep using your knees to "fold" the person's knees in front of you in line until they get mad and walk away and you move up one closer.

* Sing "It's Raining Men" really loud without moving your lips.

* Ask for an application for your son, who's just turned three. Brag that he can probably clean "them candy machines outside there real good."

* Calmly announce that your infant has just falled down a well outside the store's front doors.

I find it difficult to say the right thing when my wife leaves town on a business trip. So I've prepared a snappy little list of witty things to say that will not only have her leaving with a smile, but thinking about me the entire time:

* "If I'm not here when you get back, I've come to my senses."

* "Of course I love you. You pay the bills."

* "That dress really makes you look fat."

* "Have a good time, hope you don't crash."

* "Would you hurry and get on the plane, the bars are calling my name, sister."

How many times have we all found ourselves in the awkward position of being in an emergency room getting our stomach pumped? Remember how hard it is to break the ice with all the panicked doctors running around? With these fun phrases, you're sure to have the emergency room in STITCHES!! (Pun Intended)

* "This ain't so bad."

* "Lemme know if you find a Massachusetts license plate in there."

* "Wow. I haven't eaten bacon in months!"

* "I feel gassy."

* "Now I know what Rod Stewart must go through."

* "That's the LAST time I dip my Doritos in rat poison."

And finally, those long, quiet hours on the psychiatrist's couch. How many of us have laid there wishing we could think of the right thing to do or say so that your psychiatrist will have something to work with? Next time, slip one of these gems into the session and see what kind of twist the relationship takes.

* When relaying your problems, keep asking "You're not going to spank me...are you?"

* Keep insisting that you're not crazy. It's your invisible friend Sparky who's nuts.

* Ask them to join you on the couch.

* Babble on and on until the psychiatrist figures out that you're really confessing Steven Spielberg's problems and not you're own. Complain a lot about how the making of "Jaws" almost ruined your career in Hollywood.

* Put on some romantic music and ask the doctor to dance while you talk.

* Set a roll of toilet paper on fire and throw it behind the doctor's curtains. When they ask why you did that, say "I sincerely thought it would be funnier than it actually was."

By applying just one or even all of these crazy little ideas into your normal mundane life, I guarantee your life will become ten times more exciting than it currently is.

After all ... when was the last time you spent a night in jail?

You know...it's MY TURN to talk, Mr....

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