MY NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS ... AND GIRLS

The sun looks weird this morning. It's really orange and skeery looking.

So, if there's any typos here today, it's because I'm typing from under my desk.

Let's seeeee...didn't update yesterday. Reason? I had to watch the baby, I had to get my "Ed" recap written, and by God ... I just didn't have the time or energy to update.

Have YOU got a problem with that??

(Uncle Bob stands sternly, feet spread apart, slapping a baseball bat into his left hand menacingly)

I didn't THINK so.

Sooo...let's get caught up.

Friday ... boring day. Mattie Gee and I went to lunch at a new pizza place in town...Pizza Perfect. They have an all you can eat buffet and of course, that just screams "Hey Fat Guys...Come HERE for lunch!!!"

So we went. It was kinda lame. Packed though. But I don't think I'll be going back anytime soon. Cheap too...five bucks total for buffet and drink. But hey...when you're selling shit to the masses, you can afford to lower the price because shit is everywhere.

Friday afternoon was spent hanging around the office and talking to my new best office friend Jamie. Since Mattie Gee's gone, I've been desperately interviewing people for his position as my best friend in the office and Jamie won the job. So we just kinda hung out and shot the shit for most of the afternoon.

Oh! I got a call from the organizer of our local music festival coming up in May. She asked me if the triple bill of Tonic, Our Lady Peace and American Hi Fi would be a good "alternative" night at the festival.

I said yes. Even though I don't know more than one song apiece from each band, I said "yes". I woulda rather said "God no." But I said "yes".

I'm such a kiss ass.

Friday night was my big night out with the boys!! I had been looking forward to it for weeks!! Me and Eddie and Will and Jamie and ... and... and...well...that was it. But it was going to be FUN, DAMMIT!!!

We were supposed to meet up at Will's and then drive down to the Brew Pub from there. I get to Will's at 7:45 and ... well shit...Will had a date ... Kelly. My idea of "a night out with the boys" does not normally include someone with a vagina tagging along, so I was kinda bummed.

Until Will asked me if I still smoked pot.

I think we've went over this in this diary, but to clarify ... I do not buy pot. I do not keep pot in my house, nor do I smoke it in my house. I do not need pot.

But if someone has pot and waves it in my face ... Junior...I'm going to suck on it like a golden tit.

So Will pulls out a pipe, puts a little pot in there and says "Knock yourself out."

And I did.

Almost literally.

I was seeing stars, daffodils and little green men telling me how cool I was.

"What the fuck is the Great Gazoo doing in here," I yelled at one point.

Will and Kelly stared at me.

Hey ... Fred Flintstone woulda known where I was coming from, dammit.

So I smoked that bowl and Will asked if I wanted more. Will and I used to be smoking buddies years ago. He has seen me smoke a ton of pot and knows my tolerance level.

Scratch that...KNEW my tolerance level.

My tolerance level has dropped down to a contact high level. If I smell the shit, I get high.

So one bowl of pot knocked me for a loop.

Jamie shows up and we get ready to head downtown. I drove the mini van because I had planned on being the designated driver. And I'm sure I would have been a great designated driver if I hadn't had so many spiders crawling up and down my arms.

So Jamie drove me down to the brew pub while Will and Kelly rode in his car.

We get down to the brew pub and there's Eddie and Ramona (another girl), Eric and Wendi(yet another girl), Cliff and Jill (what the hell is this...ANOTHER GIRL?!?) and lemme see....that's it.

So Boys Night Out was full of chicks.

Sigh.

BUT...I knew about Wendi and Ramona coming, so they're allowed. Eddie goes nowhere without Ramona anymore and Wendi was a founding member of "The Boys Club" which consisted of me, her and Eddie, so she's one of the guys anyway.

I drank water all night, with the exception of one Buttery Nipple which was damned tasty. Of course, the girl kinda balked at me rubbing butter all over her nipple and licking it off, but I think after about 30 minutes of licking she was cool with it.

Never did get that girl's name...

We saw this guy who looked IDENTICAL to Jared, the Subway sandwich eating motherfucker. I saw him first and said "Did y'all see Jared's here?"

Okay ... I've got a slight buzz, but I'm drinking water. So I'm not three sheets to the wind like everyone else at my table.

So ... every head turns to find Jared in the crowd. He wasn't hard to miss, since this was the "pre-Jared"...before he lost those 725 lbs eating Subways.

Then, every time the guy walked past us, everyone would be buzzing about Jared.

I'm telling you, the guy looked JUST LIKE HIM. He kept waving at everyone just like in the commercial. It was eerie.

Mattie Gee's band The Spicolis rocked the house (that's Mattie Gee third from the left, by the way). They started a half hour late which really sucked and had the audience a bit pissed, but they were having technical problems ... somebody's guitar or mic wasn't working or something. But once they started, they had a good dance floor going and by the time we left toward the end of the first set, you couldn't even see the band because there were so many people up dancing.

Of course...they were LOUD. The Spicolis pride themselves on just how loud they can play which is something the rest of us aren't really all that keen on when they're playing small venues.

Jill's (our secretary at work)husband Cliff, is a really strange guy. I think he's a bad alcoholic/pothead. She's told us that he smokes pot in front of his teenagers, which should give her some insight on why her kids are hooligans, but I don't think she's figured it out yet. Cliff was bitching that he could have gotten the same amount of drinks for half the price at his local tavern where the rednecks hang out.

And he was bitching LOUDLY.

Then he started bitching that the band wouldn't crank up and play. Then when they DID finally start to play, he pulled out his air bass guitar and played air bass for everyone at the table.

Okay ... this guy's almost 50 years old. At the risk of hurting Diaryland people's feelings, I won't describe his physical attributes, but he's got a very nerd-like look about him.

And he's jamming on his air bass. While the rest of the table stares at him, because nobody else knew him at the table except Jill, Jamie and me.

Then, one of the guitarists on stage had some feedback that shot out of their speakers.

This disturbed Cliff.

He dropped that air bass and covered his ears like a four-year-old and began rocking back and forth wanting to go home.

One song later, he and Jill were gone. He bitched to the waiter about the music, like this guy could do anything about it, didn't tip him and left.

Geez. I hate when Jill brings her husband to "Boy's Night Out".

At one point, the whole table got up to go dance. Wellll...all the guys that brought their women got up to dance. Welllll...Eddie was a true gentleman and he sat with me to keep me company. But that's only because Ramona was in the bathroom. And that's the problem with "Boys Night Outs" where the women come along. The women wanna dance and the men don't want to...the men wanna drink. And those of us who stick to the credo of leaving our women at home are left sitting by themselves at the table, looking like total dweebs, especially when we're drinking water. But it was only one song, so I can't really bitch too much, but that's never really stopped me before, has it?

Will's drunken ass drove me back to my mini van parked in front of his house and I drove home, stopping off to get four Krystal hamburgers because that's what you do after a night out on the town, you stop and get some gutbusters at 12:30 a.m.

Gadzooks. The next day I felt as if I'd shit a cheese grater. No hangover, thanks to my new non-drinking policy. But those Krystals wrapped my bowels around a pole and left me for dead.

And Saturday I didn't leave the house until 5 p.m. and that was to go get some Buy One Get One Free groceries. We bought a ton of shit that we never eat because the second one was free.

Nutter Butters, anyone??

Howsa 'bout some delicious Donald Duck orange juice??

I didn't think so.

I tried to watch some Celebrity Jeopardy last night since the Game Show Network was running a marathon. But by 8 p.m., my eyes were closing and strange snoring-like sounds were coming out of my mouth while I sat in my recliner.

So I went to bed about 8:30 last night and other than getting up at 4 with Andy to discuss his gas problems, I slept until 6:30 this morning.

Yahoo!!

I feel refreshed!!

Fresh as a daisy, even!!

The pot's outta my system (not technically, but I'm no longer groggy), the Krystals are out of my system (I hope anyway), and the sun is gone now, replaced by some ominous thunderstorm looking clouds.

It's gonna be a great day.

MP3 OF THE DAY

LOS STRAITJACKETS: "Take Me Out To The Ball Game"

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