I AM THE BUGMAN COO COO CA CHOO

"Hi unclebob, add your diary entry here!"

Yeah....eat me...

The freakin' bug guy is coming today.

I'm cancelling our service today.

At first, the bug guy came the first Wednesday of every month.

Then they told us we'd be switched to Tuesdays. I told them that wasn't acceptable since nobody was home on Tuesdays.

So they just didn't service us at all for a month.

Boy, did they show me.

I called to cancel the service and they apologized profusely and swore they'd get another guy out there on the spot.

A guy came out and sprayed the house 30 minutes later.

Then the next month went by with no service, so I called to cancel again.

Once again...Billy Bugkiller showed up at my doorstep within minutes.

This morning...SOME STUPID ASSHOLE calls at 6 a.m. to tell me he'll be here around 9 a.m. today.

SIX A.M.

Okay...YES...of course I was awake by then. The wife was semi-coherant.

But you DON'T CALL PEOPLE AT 6 FUCKING A.M. for bug service. You call them to tell them somebody's in the hospital or dead at 6 a.m., you goofy fuck.

So...today...after Johnny Jerkweed gets done spraying the house, I'm cancelling the service with him personally.

Mainly because we can't decide on a date to service my house.

Then because it's just an annoying pain in the ass to structure my day around a ten minute spraying session with some dork.

Then because the afore-mentioned bug-spraying dorks ALWAYS want to stay in my house and shoot the shit.

ALWAYS.

We've covered this before...should I be giving up the ass for these guys? Is that what they're waiting for??

I don't think so. There's very few gay bug spraying guys out there.

I think I'll act gay and come on to whoever shows up at the door today. That way, they'll never want to come back and nobody will argue with me when I want to cancel the service if I'm constantly playing grabass with the employees.

I'm so damned smart.

Soooo....which one do you put on your eyes? Mascara or blush??

Hmmmmm???

Not much else to report from the Wonderful World of Bob.

Yesterday's work went pretty smooth. I skipped lunch and just worked non-stop all day and got the entire newspaper done by 7 p.m.

Three years ago, with three times the people we have now, midnight was the usual quitting time for everyone on Tuesdays.

I used to always joke that "time management" was the key to getting the paper done on schedule.

Now it seems I was right. No wonder the "time management" joke never got a laugh and just groans from my former co-workers.

Susie went to the doctor yesterday. They asked if she wanted them to shove a needle in her belly button to see if our kid was blind.

She politely declined the offer.

Talk about suggestive selling. How tough must that sell be?

NURSE: "You know...for another eight hundred bucks, we can take a six-inch needle and jam it straight through your belly button to tell if your kid has any birth defects."

EXPECTANT MOTHER: "Can you FIX the birth defects?"

NURSE: "Uhhhh...no. But we can tell you what kind of freak you'll be born with. So ... if you're having a blind child, you won't have to spend all that money in decorating the baby's room and buying colorful things for it."

EXPECTANT MOTHER: "Ixnay on the eedlenay, thank yewwwwww."

OOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Some guy opened fire in a senior citizen's apartment complex up north!!!

Okay...once again....I DO NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE AGAINST SENIOR CITIZENS.

Is that clear??

I just ....UNDERSTAND it.

Apparently, the dumbass accidently shot a lady delivering Meals on Wheels, which kinda sucks because she was just an innocent bystander in this battle between the generations.

Some of you are probably sitting there thinking...gee Bob...that's pretty mean...I mean...the old people weren't even armed or anything.

Hey...hindsight's 20/20, junior.

I don't have a gun now and don't ever plan on having a gun.

Then again...this world keeps getting more and more violent.

And I keep getting older and slower.

Eventually, I won't be able to take out an armed would-be killer with my Jackie Chan-like swiftness, like I can right now.

And when the day comes that I have to hang my numchucks up ...I may have to turn Bobby Badass on everyone and get a gun.

Heh.

Truth be told...I'm about as badass as your grandma and always will be.

Now then...where the fuck is that bug man?