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08:30:46 - 2000-03-22

HIDE YOUR CAR KEYS, I MIGHT STEAL THAT TOO

I mentioned Ron as the comedian who was dating my wife when I stole her away from him in my "The Horrific Origin of Mrs. Bob and Bob" entry.

I told ya how great he was...blah blah blah.

He truly is a funny guy. Stealing this guy's woman and marrying her is probably the most prized feather in my big assed purple velvet pimp hat.

*sigh*

How pathetic is that?

I told y'all briefly about hanging out with the guy after stealing Susie away.

I think I'll go into a little more sordid detail on the evening.

Ron came to town in 1986 for New Year's. He was going to be headlining at the Punch Line and I was emceeing for the week.

Our paths were about to cross.

The night we met, the manager of the club introduced us.

Ron said "I know who this guy is...he stole my girlfriend."

I gulped. Granted...Ron's about a foot shorter than me. The most damage he could do was take a knee out. Still...I felt bad for taking the guy's woman.

But...he laughed it off. Apparently ... when you headline comedy clubs, you get your pick of the ladies after the show.

All I knew was that if you were the emcee of the comedy club...you just hustled to your next job and went home alone most nights and whacked off, wishing that you could someday be headliner.

After one of our shows together, he suggested that we went out and partied together.

Ummmmm....sure ...okay ... Hey bud...you don't have any weapons on you, do ya??

We got in my car and began bar hopping. Ron had brought along his "Survival Kit".

...Full of drugs....

Actually...just pot.

So we made a night of it. We talked about Susie and he kept saying that I had found a winner and he hated to lose her, because she was "special".

Maybe that meant she can suck a mean honker. I wouldn't know...I'm not into that crap.

We ended up in the bar that Susie was currently working in, after a fucked-up Ron INSISTED on seeing her.

Okay...not a smooth move. Granted...he had been cool all night. But by this point...ol' Ron was trashed and incoherant.

And ready to raise a little hell at the expense of a lover who spurned him.

We walked into the bar, he eventually picked her out of the crowd, grinned and yelled "C'mere you slut!!"

Ummmmm....hello??

I could tell Susie wanted to kill me, but even more telling...she couldn't believe the two of us guys were hanging out together.

And having a good time too.

Ron proceeded to "kick it up a notch" and began making some pretty lewd jokes at Susie's expense.

"Hey Uncle Bob...can you still taste ME down there," while pointing at her crotch.

Stuff like that.

Oh...they were funny as hell alright. But hey...this is my girlfriend here. Show some respect.

Uh-uh.

He started trying to prod me to whip my dick out at the table, because he was convinced I was hung like a mule if I could steal his woman from him.

Technically, I probably shoulda beat his ass. He was being obnoxious, belligerent and embarrassing.

...But he was hilarious.

After one beer and ten minutes of him harrassing my girlfriend, I suggested we go to another bar where my girlfriend wouldn't be on the verge of tears.

We went to a bar where we sat and Ron held court ... keeping everyone in stitches.

At one point, Ron got up and left. I didn't see him anywhere. I waited and waited for him, but he was nowhere to be found.

So I left.

The next night at the club, he goodnaturedly bitched me out for leaving him at the club.

As it turns out, he met a woman outside the rest room, took her in there and she was ummmm...pleasuring him in a stall when the management caught them and told them to leave. The woman was so embarrassed, she took off in a hurry, leaving Ron stumbling around the bar looking for his ride. He ended up taking a cab back to the hotel.

On New Year's Eve, it was me, Ron and another comedian performing.

Now...in my comedy days ... ALL the comedians would sneak into the alley out back and smoke a joint before going on stage to relax them.

New Year's Eve night....we ummmm...well....we ALL got majorly stoned out back, thanks to Ron's Survival Kit.

That night...at the end of the show, Ron wanted to do some improv with the other comedian and me.

I had never done improv in my life at that point, while Ron was a pro at it.

It's just like "Whose Line Is It Anyway". We asked the audience for suggestions and just ran with it.

The only thing I remember was the "Hippies at the Gynocologist's Office" improv.

Mainly because we were all so baked. I was the "woman" laying down with my feet in stirrups while Ron and the other guy stared at my crotch and made lewd comments for a few minutes while the audience rolled.

God. There's no end to this freakin' entry.

To sum up ... Ron is a funny, funny guy.

But UNCLE BOB won the war.

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