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10:19:46 - 2000-12-15

WAITER...THERE'S A BULLET IN MY SOUP...

Heyba Kidsa,

I hab a cold.

HAAAAAAAAAAAA-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

See? I told you I had a cold.

Anyway...

Let's focus on yesterday, shall we??

Okay ... I have a dilemma...

You know all about my 13 year old nephew that I've caught searching for internet porn twice ... right??

Okay ... so the family comes over to the house last night.

The nephew NEEDS to get on the computer to look up game codes for his video games.

"Okay," I say. "But that's ALL you're going to look up, right??"

(I figure the kid knows what I'm talking about)

"Yes,Uncle Bob," he says. "I just need some codes, that's all."

"Alright then," I say, crashing on the loveseat behind the computer, because I have a COLD and I'm not FEELING WELL.

He looks at me sprawled out on the loveseat.

"Are you going to sleep, Uncle Bob?"

"No, I'm just resting my eyes," I say.

Okay...

I FULLY INTENDED on keeping an eye on the little pervert.

FULLY

But...well...Comtrex knocks my ass out.

So I wake up...not TEN MINUTES later...

Guess what I see???

Three women, completely naked, hands in their crotches, giving their little coochies a massage.

I pop up off the loveseat.

"What the hell is that," I sternly ask this simpleton.

"I...I dunno," he stutters. "It just popped up in the window."

"Get up," I barked as he got up off the chair.

I started hitting the back button until I found where he had done a search for "Nude Art".

Wait a second here.

Nude Art???

What kinda fucked up kid IS this??

Kid...if yer gonna search for porn ... use the words "Nasty Coochies" or something.

Sheesh.

He just stood there, staring at the screen with me.

"Now Adam," I said. "You KNOW I'm going to have to tell your parents this time."

He didn't say anything.

"I don't WANT to do it," I lied. "But I have to."

He stood there silently.

Of course ... I DIDN'T tell his dad.

...yet...

We all went out to eat after that escapade. We went to Barnhill's Buffet.

Ever heard of Barnhill's Buffet??

Basically ... at least here in Montgomery ... it's a hangout for people on fixed incomes who don't mind eating baked shit for dinner.

I had never been to the place. My brother in law (the perv's dad) suggested it ... Grandpa seconded the motion because, as he put it, "They take Old Folks' Cards".

(They have seniors discounts)

We go there, and we're the only white people in the whole building.

And ... as luck would have it...we came on "Bloods and Crips Night".

I have never seen so many thugs on display in my life. Granted...I'm an old white guy. So when I'm put in these situations, I eat my food quickly, skip dessert and get the hell outta Dodge before the bullets fly.

Not my in-laws, by God. These guys take advantage of that hefty $8 per person price tag and they eat $16 worth of food.

Soooo...where does Gramps wanna sit??

...Right next to a table of 12 thugs who are speaking their own language, punctuated by English curse words.

I heard a lot of "motherfuckers" coming from the table. That was about the only word I could decipher.

Gramps decides this is offending him.

Gramps decides to say aloud "I wish people that weren't raised properly would just stay home".

Okay ... a stupid thing to say in general. Compound that with 12 angry young teenagers behind you who wouldn't think twice about popping a brand new shiny cap in yo' ass and it's an EXTREMELY IGNORANT thing to say.

Luckily ... I don't think the gangstas heard him. Because they just kept on with their "Muthafukkin' hummah hummah hummah fukkin' humma humma humma muthafukkin' hummah hummah" talk.

The gangstas weren't there long after we sat down, which was a relief. They all got up from the table and half of them had the waistbands of their pants around their knees.

Which...by the way ... I think is an ULTRA cool way to wear your pants. If you're retarded.

Because I can NOT count the times I've seen a young gangsta and thought..."Gee willikers...I sure do wish I knew what color underwear that young man is wearing."

Thank you gangstas for not keeping me in suspense any longer.

And the food at Barnhill's...I'm not sure if it's technically "food" ...hell, I'm not sure if it's technically "edible" ... but we ate anyway.

They had pizza on the buffet that looked like it had been made in 1987.

The ham was gray.

The "sirloin steaks" looked like charred hot dogs. They were tubular steaks. Maybe that's how gangstas and old folks like their steaks. I've never done an official survey on the matter.

I ate a piece of fried chicken, a piece of baked chicken and some okra and called it a meal.

Certainly not worth $8. But the way I looked at it ... if one of these gangstas decided to shove a gun in my face during dinner, if I shit my pants, it wouldn't be all that bad.

I guess it'd be a chicken shit, huh?

Tee hee!

I made a funny.

Anyway, we got out of Barnhill's alive, and I went home to bed.

________________________________________

Earlier in the day I bought Roger Waters' "In The Flesh" CD.

Just what I needed...one more double live disc of Pink Floyd classics.

I now must have about 10 different live versions of "Wish You Were Here" on disc.

It's a sickness. I can't stop buying live Pink Floyd discs.

I need help.

___________________________________________

I also bought 65 jewel cases for my Christmas CDs that I give away at Christmas.

I'm not happy with this year's disc. It was rushed, and sounds like it.

I used to make Christmas tapes for people each year. Then last year, I started the Christmas CD tradition which got great response, because a year ago, hardly anyone was making their own CDs.

I like to put off-beat Christmas songs on my discs, mixed in with some traditional standards.

But this year's disc ... I just don't know.

I've got Cindy Brady from the Brady Bunch singing "Frosty The Snowman".

Jim Reeves doing "The Merry Christmas Polka".

The Ventures doing "White Christmas".

PLUS...a pretty cool hidden track that kinda redeems the whole debacle.

It might be better than I'm giving it credit for ... but I just liked last year's disc better.

Yeah.

Blah blah blah and all that shit.

____________________________________

Alright...this has taken up enough of my time.

Y'all have a good weekend. I'm planning on spending it by avoiding the in-laws at all costs.

Wish me luck.

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