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09:16:57 - 2000-08-17

CAN YOU TELL I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING YESTERDAY?

You know ... I was just thinking...that little "disclaimer" under "The Latest Recruits" near the bottom of this page says...and I quote "check them out and see if they may be worth adding to your daily reading."

Lemme clarify that...EVERYONE is WORTH reading in Uncle Bob's Army. By NOW, we should ALL KNOW that you should either quit:

A)Your job.

B)Your schooling.

C)Your entire social life

immediately and sit and read every fellow member of the Army's diary on a daily basis.

Even those that haven't updated since April.

(Grumble, grumble...)

So anyway....I've gotta reword that somehow. But please...newbies...DON'T take any offense at the word "WORTH".

In Uncle Bob's world...we're ALL worthy, dude.

*ahem*

I mean..."Guy".

Oh hey...one more thing...I read somewhere, and I really don't remember where...that the Army was a "clique".

Man...I hate cliques.

Always have. It's a long story that I'll get into some other time ... but not today.

So no ... the Army's not a clique in my eyes.

I'll break it down for the newbies...

Anyone can join the Army. Just email me...you don't even have to try and kiss my ass if you don't feel like it.

I mean ... I only ask that you dig me somewhat.

There's no need to build shrines or anything, but just respect what I'm doing here. I've been writing for fun since 1972 ... do the math, kiddies. Maybe that's why I get a few hits...this isn't my FIRST attempt at a diary. This is like my 8,726th. I'm crude at times, I'm not the most politically correct sonofabitch on Diaryland. I try not to be offensive, but I cannot edit myself... once it's down on the page it's uploaded and done with. I speak my mind ... or I make something completely up. Depending on how the mood strikes me. I swear...a lot. I don't try to use derogatory words that I know most women hate. The "C" word. Etc.

I can say some pretty weird, warped and nasty things at times.

If any of that offends you in the least, you may want to entertain second thoughts on asking to be in the Army.

Is it a deal??

Can we shake on it????

COOL BEANS!!!

(Bob pumps your hand feverishly)

Seriously ... the Army to me is just a cool place to check out other diaries you may have missed. There's lotsa great writers at Diaryland ... and the names on either side of this column are just as good in their own way as any shit you'll ever see here.

THE ARMY IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY THINGAMAJIG.

*********************************************

THIS JUST IN...

IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME ... DON'T READ ME

I'm sorry, but if I don't like someone's diary, I don't read it. I don't feel the need to say ... "HEY...You fucking suck, Mister!"

NO. I simply don't read it. Who am I to judge to someone else's diary??

Well...there are times when they can be judged.

I mean...in the case of Survivoron Diaryland...it's okay to judge because you're standing up and saying "Sure...what the hell. I'll let others judge my diary."

That's different.

Hopefuly Meg will find people that can judge without saying "Hey Bud...you suck and smell worse than one of John Goodman's Morning-After-A-Tequila-Binge bowel movements."

I was asked to be a judge by Meg for the Survivor thing ... but I REALLY hate to pick favorites in a public forum. I love each and every one of you like you were my children except you're not and if I probably met half of you I'd run away screaming.

(Not YOU, though...YOU'RE MY FAVORITE!)

Really ... seriously ... I'm not sure I have the time. I spend three hours on the computer each morning before I go to work and get on the computer for three hours. Then I get bored and come home and get on the computer for another eight hours.

And this is balls-to-the-wall work, kiddies.

....If you consider surfing for porn "work" ...

THAT'S A JOKE, KIDS...yer good ol' Uncle Bob never surfs for porn.

Rarely ever.

Occasionally.

Every day.

Alright...dammit...I spend nineteen solid hours a day surfing for ANIMALS HAVING SEX, dammit.

(There went another line for the Google corporation)

By the by...have you filled out your application for "Survivor Uber Diaryland" yet? Well .... dammit girl....DO SO NOW.

Sheesh Louise....do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?!?!?

...That was my impression of my wife last night after dinner. I casually said "Why, yes you do, Honey."

....Didn't see her the rest of the night...Heaven...

So anyway ... my impression...

TA-FUCKIN-DAAAAA!

*********************************************

CONFESSION TIME:

Yesterday's entry "Granny Needs Her Ass Beat And Other Bedtime Stories" was actually an older diary entry from my older diary. In fact, that was was written a year ago yesterday or today or something.

I just sincerely wasn't in any mood to write an Uncle Bob entry but didn't wanna leave ya hanging.

So the whole Mel Torme thing was something I was looking for a year ago. It was one of the first songs I got off Napster once I downloaded Napster. But still...thanks to my buds who pointed that out or gave me advice on how to find the CD. You guys are always looking out for me like the sick, old Uncle that was nice to you as a child.

And I appreciate it.

Speaking of good Napster...a great song to download is "Paranoid Android" by Brad Mehldau. It's a remake of Radiohead's awesome song and done solely on piano. I didn't know if many of you knew about the song or not. Radiohead's my fave band these days...have been since "Creep" actually...Anyway...download it....

************************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

"If you were a genius inventor, what would try to invent?"

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