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09:29:26 - 2000-09-01

POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF THE NEAREST CASTING COUCH, PLEASE

I went back to the doctor yesterday.

I STILL have to stay in this rabble scrabble sling for another week.

("Rabble Scrabble" are Fred Flintstone's favorite curse words)

This completely sucks, because I THOUGHT I was doing better but the doctor found what he "thinks" is a hairline fracture in my forearm.

*sigh*

On the upside, he refilled my Darvocet prescription...which I'm barely taking anymore...Had one pill yesterday.

My little "bruise" freaked him out, which was pretty cool. He said he'd never seen anything like it. I wish I had my webcam hooked up and I'd take a picture and show you guys.

Maybe sometime this weekend.

***************************

Sooo...do you think your Uncle Bob has what it takes to be a Hollywood movie star???

I sure as hell hope the casting director from last night does.

Yep...went on a casting call last night on a whim.

I got a press release faxed to me at work saying that there was a casting call to re-enact the Montgomery Bus Boycott that Rosa Parks started that gave birth to the Civil Rights Movement.

They were looking for 20 white people, 20 black people, a bus driver and two cops (all white).

I figured my chances were good at getting a part. Because this had NOT been widely reported (to my knowledge)and last night was the first televised Auburn football game, which glues white people to their televisions in these parts. So ... technically...I was a shoo-in.

...Yeah...right...

I ask my buddy Jamie to go with me. They were looking for people that looked like they were from the 1950s. I just got my hair cut last week, so I did. And Jamie keeps his head practically shaved, so he stood a chance as well.

Jamie agreed and we went down to the casting call.

We walked in the door and there was a SEA of white guys.

Well...if you count eight white guys a "sea". It was much more than I thought it'd be.

I was convinced that all the white men in this town would be watching the big season opening game.

Then again...most gay white guys could give a shit about college football. I didn't even THINK about gay guys being there.

Rabble scrabble gay white guys.

Upon further inspection, all these gay white guys were actors. They all had resumes, 8x10s, and acting experience.

The only acting experience that I had was acting like I gave a shit.

Sooo...on the application where it said "Acting Experience" I wrote in big letters "N/A".

"Not applicable".

"Never Acted".

Because I'm "Not An Actor".

Jamie scribbled down that he had been in a commercial once.

Well, shit...I had been in TONS of commercials. But I never considered THAT acting.

My best acting job in a commercial was the time I was sitting on a bench outside reading a newspaper and people kept walking up and stealing parts of my paper, making me more and more frustrated.

I GUESS that's acting. But I had already written "N/A" in big black letters. It'd look kinda foolish if I scratched that out and wrote "pissed off guy in newspaper commercial" instead.

That would just REEK of liarness.

Soooo...I then decided that since I was one of the few white guys with no acting resume to speak of (Jamie being the other one), I was NOT going to get any part in the film.

So, I decided to NOT take the casting call seriously.

Which...hindsight being 20/20...may have hurt my chances of getting in the film.

I sat down with the casting director who is Montgomery's premier actress. Her name is Tonea Stewart and she's been in a buncha TV shows and movies. Her biggest roles were as a mother of one of the lead characters in the "In The Heat of the Night" TV show...she's been in "Touched By An Angel" and she played the mother of the little girl who was raped in "A Time To Kill" with Matthew McCoughaney or whatever.

I sat down with her and she greeted me.

I decided to fuck with her.

"I'm here for the part of Rosa Parks," I said, all giddy and shit.

She laughed and said "That's going to be quite a stretch for you."

You know...me being a big goofy white guy and all.

"I'm a helluva actor," I reassured her. "I think I can pull it off."

She asked me how my arm got hurt and I told her. She asked when my sling was coming off and I assured her I'd be losing it in a week.

She then took a green magic marker and put a big green spot on my application and said "Thank You".

That's it?!??

She asked me about my arm and the interview's over???

She did write..."Arm in sling...will be out in a week" on my application.

I looked at her and said "I didn't get the job...did I?"

She laughed and said "You never know."

I did my best dejected look and said "No. I know. I didn't get the job."

I let my shoulders slump, hung my head and shuffled away.

I PRAY she noticed my acting ability in that shuffle.

I then went to get fitted for an outfit.

I kept saying "I don't know why you're measuring me. I didn't get a part."

They kept laughing and saying "You never know!"

Yeah...right.

Then I went for my video shoot. I had to face the camera, state my name, phone number and interview number. My interview number was "24". I told the video girl that 24 was my lucky number...that's how many Oscars I had won over the years.

She found that mildly amusing.

I did my video thing, but I PIVOTED on my heels for my profiles rather than turning my whole body. At that point, I realized...I ain't gettin' the gig...I ain't putting across any more effort.

My video thing was still going and the video girl was grinning which made me start grinning. Which...I was supposed to be looking disgusted like "What's this black woman doing...not wanting to go sit at the back of the bus?"

Instead, I'm grinning like a maniac.

Yeah...that's REALLY going to help me out.

I tried to bribe the video girl with ten bucks to tell the casting director that I was awesome. She wouldn't take the money and told me she had no pull around there.

Rabble scrabble video girl...

I get done and wait for Jamie to finish up his gig. He walks toward me grinning.

"I'm gonna be a cop!" he says all excited.

"What???" I say, not believing him, because he's a compulsive liar.

"She wrote 'policeman' on my application," he says, puffing his chest out.

I felt dejected. Jamie's a redneck idiot who was in the background of a commercial one time. Because he's only done one commercial, it stood out for him and he wrote it down.

Because I've done several commercials, it was old hat to me and I forgot all about them.

Granted, he's got a deep southern accent where I sound like Rick Dees on 'ludes. That may have gotten him the gig.

Regardless...I doubt seriously I get a part in the film. Somebody had to not get it, and I think I'm one of the unlucky ones.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Jamie though. I think it'd be a trip to see him act as a policeman, arresting Rosa Parks.

It's just a crying shame I won't be playing Rosa Parks.

**************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

What's your most "famous" moment? Have you ever been on TV, the movies, the newspaper??

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