I FORGOT THE GOOD STUFF THAT I WAS GOING TO WRITE ABOUT, SO HERE'S SOME MORE CRAP

Don't you just hate it when you're sitting there and something enters your mind and you think "Oh man...I HAVE to write about that in my diary!" and then when you sit down to write in your diary, you've completely forgotten about what it is you were going to write about so you end up writing about killing bees during your lunch hour and wondering if it'd be cool to just go ahead and spank your monkey at your desk?

Yeah.

Me too.

Today's been one of those days. One of those days when I've had visions of genius running through my head and now I have nothing better to talk about than how cold it is in my office right now.

Man.

It sure is cold in here.

I'm saving up my meats for tonight.

On this diet, I'm allowed one oz. of meat for breakfast, two for lunch, four for dinner and one for an evening snack.

That's eight ounces of meat a day for those of you with less-than-impressive math skills.

And since I know we're going out to eat tonight, rather than ordering a dinky little four ounce steak or something, I'm ordering a whopping EIGHT F'N OUNCES, BABY!!!

"But Uncle Bob," you're thinking. "What if all the restaurant has are 6 oz. steaks?"

Then bring me one of those and tell Granny in the corner she's done and bring me the rest of her steak. 'Cause I'm eating EIGHT F'N OUNCES OF STEAK TONIGHT!!!

I'm also hording my fats today, so that I can enjoy sour cream on that baked potato tonight.

So if I'm doing all that then what the hell have I been eating today, you ask?

Breakfast...one bagel...half a banana...a container of strawberry banana yogurt and water.

Lunch...one bagel ... spaghetti with Healthy Choice sauce that I added onions, peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms and zucchini to (I call it "vegetarian spaghetti"...pretty original, huh?)... and a WHOLE banana.

Oh...and my sugar free Jello.

And...and...and my diet Dr. Pepper.

So I'm getting all my carbs. Just holding off on the fats and meat until tonight.

I need to go weigh myself at Winn Dixie, my local grocery store. They've got a big scale there that's pretty accurate. It's kinda humiliating to get on it in public and hear the tittering and guffawing behind your back. But I KNOW that I'm gonna be regular size in a year...so take those giggles and shove 'em up your ass, Mr. Chuckles.

I still don't know where we're going tonight. I told Brian to pick a place out and call me, but he hasn't. I'm kinda sorta in the mood for this Japanese steakhouse here in town. We've only been there once and it was okay. I was also pretty drunk at the time and don't remember much about it. Plus I wasn't into oriental food back then like I am now.

They do this little show there...everyone sits around a grill and the guy gets back there and balances eggs on knives and crap and you're supposed to clap for him. And he makes hearts out of fried rice and crap.

Well..not fried rice and crap. Just fried rice. They leave the crap in the toilets there. To the best of my knowledge anyway.

I just think it'd be a fun place to go to. And we've got the teens at the church babysitting our kids from 6:30 until 9:30, so we need to find a place where it will take a while to eat.

Um yeah.

At lunch, I was sitting here at my desk, eating my spaghetti by myself because I'm not popular here and everyone hates me and throws things at me and calls me "Four Eyes" when I don't even wear glasses.

And I'm wearing a white shirt today.

And I have no plans to change clothes before going out tonight. I won't have time to go home and iron something up. By the time I get home, I'll have time to brush my teeth, pee, grab the kid and head to church.

So I didn't want to get spaghetti sauce on my shirt. That's a legitimate worry to me for lunch.

I have a paper towel on my desk.

I think to myself..."Do I REALLY want to stuff that paper towel down the front of my shirt and eat?"

I mean...it's bad enough that Osama has more fans in this workplace than I do. But to go and stuff a paper towel down the front of my shirt...that's pretty much the kiss of death when it comes to ever achieving coolness around here.

Screw it.

The towel was shoved down the front of my shirt. I grabbed a forkful of pasta and shoved it in my mouth.

One of my co-workers walked past my office looked inside and saw me chowing down, looking like Grandpa with my paper towel.

She grinned at me.

At first I thought that maybe....MAYBE she was just being nice.

Oh hell no.

I'm sure it's water cooler fodder by now..."New Boy eats like a senior citizen!"

I'm doomed here.

I wonder if Drunk Assed Boss would take me back?

There have been some complaints on the message board about the banner on top of this page missing.

I've done some extensive research into the matter and have come to the conclusion that y'all are just a bunch of damned liars.

Just kidding.

I have no idea what's wrong with it. I look at the page through Internet Explorer. It's fine on both of my computers.

I also had the question posed "What if Grandma invites Pepe over on the sly while she's watching Andrew today?"

Believe me...the thought went through my head. As soon as Susie and I left the house, Grandma would call up Pepe and ask him to come over.

I don't think it will happen.

A) Pepe doesn't drive.

B) Even if he did drive, he doesn't have a car. They don't hand you the keys to a new vehicle as you walk out of prison.

C) Even if he did drive and did have a car, he doesn't have a job to pay for gas because he's an illegal alien and a lazy one at that.

D) He has no idea where I live.

E) Grandma knows my sister can pop in at any time...we told her we had no idea when she'd be there. I'm thinking she won't make it until about 3 or so, but who knows? She's kinda notorious for being rather ... pokey. She's about as motivated as a brick.

So...no. I don't think Grandma will be having a Cuban Prison Party at the house today.

...If she knows what's good for her, anyway.

I have to go pick up my chest X-rays today for my cardiogram on Monday.

Apparently, the place where I had the X-rays done a month ago was bought by another company, and all the X-rays were shifted to another place, rather than to their intended destinations.

For instance..my doctor should have already received them. Instead, they're sitting in some room, neglected and probably calling out "Uncle Bawwwwwwb. Uncle Bawwwwwwwwb. It's us...your chest x-rays. Come and get us."

I'm coming Chest X-Rays.

I'm coming.

I swear to God...I think someone has spiked my Jello.

Because I'm getting weirder and weirder by the day.