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6:42 a.m. - 2001-11-11

RECOVERY TIME AT CHEZ BOB

Well, this entry should be about as long as my freshly shaved penis.

You know...since I didn't do much of anything yesterday.

After I left you guys, I pushed my wife, son and niece out of the house and told them to stay gone for several hours. Mainly because I cannot pick my son up due to this whole blasted "Your arteries will burst if you lift anything over five pounds!" thing.

Damned kid. If he loved his daddy, he'd shed about 15 of those unsightly baby fat pounds so I could hold him.

Wretched child...

So they left and automatically, my sister calls. This is the sister that I get along with only because we're blood relatives. Well...that's not entirely true...she's much better now than she used to be. We went a period of about three years when we didn't speak to one another because she was a horrid bitch and I was a saint. But that's another story for another time.

Anyway, she calls and wants to know how my surgery went. I told her fine. Then I listened to her prattle on and on about the breakfast she made for ten minutes before I finally cut her off and said "Oh gosh...the house is on fire. I'll talk to you later" and hung up.

So I put in the DVD of "Halloween 5".

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know.

But the movie came free with "Halloween" and I hadn't sat down to watch it yet and thought with everyone out of the house, it'd be a good time to watch it in peace.

Man...what a cheesy movie. If you ever think to yourself..."I'd like to watch a movie that is so bad it leaves me with a dazed feeling afterwards like I've pounded myself over the head with an aluminum baseball bat" this is the flick for you, junior.

The 90 minutes couldn't go by quick enough and the movie got stacked in my pile of DVDs to someday trade at the local used DVD store, joining "Being John Malkovich", that strange Radiohead DVD, "Scary Movie" (try "Stupid Movie") and the next film that I watched ... "Day of the Dead".

"Day of the Dead" is the third in the trilogy of "Night of the Living Dead" movies. Once again...this one came free with "Dawn of the Dead" which is one of my personal favorite flicks. I had seen "Day of the Dead" once back in the 80s when I was a really intent stoner. The only thing I remembered about it was that I never wanted to watch it again, but I couldn't remember why. I associated it with a Sunday afternoon, and Sunday afternoons are usually associated with boredom and despair for me. I hate Sunday afternoons.

So I watched it, because I had already decided to add it to the pile of trade-in DVDs, but wanted to see if it had somehow become redeeming in the 15 years or so since I saw it.

It hadn't.

The reason I hadn't liked it was because it was so damned gross and disgusting. Where the zombie makeup in the first two movies was kinda hokey...this one was nasty and disturbing. Plus the movie barrels along at a snail's pace and the ending just doesn't make up for the first 90 minutes of the flick.

Yeah....I've got a career in film review alright.

I then slept for a while before being woken up by Linda, a lady from church who wondered why she hadn't been called with my diagnosis from my surgery.

Linda's a nice woman. She's in a wheelchair and has some kinda disease where she's missing her torso or something. I don't know what it is, but she's only about three feet tall or something and sort of deformed. She constantly wants to hold Andy and I think Andy's a bit apprehensive of her because of the wheelchair and all. Mainly because he screams like he just had his penis pierced every time I give him to her to hold.

So she's kinda a lonely woman. I'm always nice to her, as is everyone at church. I call her "Trouble" as in "Here comes trouble", because everyone else treats her gently like a china doll and it's up to me to make her seem a bit dangerous or mean when she really isn't.

I know, I know...that made about as much sense as a 40 year old man keeping an online diary. Gimme a break.

So Linda calls, wanting to know all about my surgery. I go into as much detail as I remember, conveniently leaving out the shaved pubes story because I have a feeling Linda would want to check out the shave job if I brought it up.

So then, there's really not much else to say.

But Linda keeps talking about the same thing over and over.

And it dawns on me that Susie said one time that she never wanted to ever talk to Linda on the phone again because she doesn't know when to hang up.

So Linda just keeps saying how lucky I am and blah, blah, blah.

Finally I said "Well I appreciate your call Linda, and I'll see you tomorrow."

She actually said "Oh."

Then "See you tomorrow."

I think I offended her. And I felt bad for cutting the conversation once it got down to forced small talk.

But damn....a 90 second phone conversation is long enough...don't ya think?

So then I try and go back to sleep, but can't. I watch a few of the most boring football games I've ever seen when the phone rings again.

My sister again.

I pick up the phone, fully expecting for someone to be dead. After three years of not speaking, we're on terms now where we speak about five-six times a year. Never twice in one day.

It was actually my niece, Kali. I think the world of Kali and she's one of the reasons why I buried the hatchet with my sister because I didn't want Kali out of our lives.

So Kali got her first job yesterday and was ecstatic. She's working at the Atlanta Bread Company in Hilton Head Island.

She was calling everyone she knew to tell them about it, and we were included on the list.

I congratulated her and told her we were proud of her and would have to come up there so she could make us a sandwich.

Yeah. Travel seven hours for a sandwich. I can do that.

Susie, Melissa and Andrew finally came home about 4:00. Susie didn't want to cook, I couldn't cook so we decided to go out for dinner.

Went to this Mexican place that we've never been to. It would have been a whole lot nicer if Andrew wasn't such a whiny baby. We could NOT get him to settle down. He wanted to sit on the table and play with everything on the table that he could get his hands on. He wanted to stand in our laps and look at people behind us. He wanted to throw everything on the floor so we'd have to pick it up.

Luckily, I couldn't bend over or have him stand in my lap.

So Mama and Melissa had to bear the brunt of Andrew's fussiness.

Finally, when the food came, he became a little angel. We gave him one of his favorite books and he sat between Mama and Melissa, reading his book intently.

It was night and day. He was just so perfect sitting there quietly until everyone was finished.

We got up from the booth and as I slid out and tried to stand up, I thought I had injured my puncture point from the catheter. Pain shot all through my leg and torso. Susie asked if I was alright and I said "yeah sure". But I think she was alarmed by the fact that I was laying in the middle of the restaurant in a fetal position, holding my groin tightly.

Well, not really. But I hobbled out of the place like Bob Hope with a Depends full o' shit.

We got home and I went to bed at 6:45. I watched football, played on the laptop and slept off and on for hours.

I feel better today and am debating on going to church or not.

Right now I'm lying in bed with the laptop on my legs. This is probably where I'd like to stay all day.

We'll see.

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