CHILLIN' WITH GOD AND JAMES CAAN

"Don't look at me. Don't you fucking look at me."

-Frank Booth -- "Blue Velvet"

Heh. That's kinda how I feel today.

I be a tired sonofabitch today, and I don't know why. I gots my six hours of sleep. I be drinkin' mah fully-caffeinated Coca-Cola.

So why I be so tired??

Because I had weird dreams all night.

Chief among them...I was James Caan's maid.

James Caan, for those of you scratching your head and staring at the monitor goin' "Who the fuck is James Caan", is an actor, I'm sure you've seen him in at least one movie, but I can't think of any he's been in...oh..."The Godfather" for one.

Anyway...in this dream, I was a fucking male maid. How humiliating is THAT shit??

So anyway, me and my two co-maids bust in a bedroom and James Caan is in bed with some young woman. We all feel like shit and slowly back out of the room. James says everything's cool and they were about to get up and leave the house anyway.

So me and the maids wait for him to leave. They leave.

(I'm trying to rush this dream along quickly...but it went on for a looooong time in my sleep).

The majority of the dream was then spent cleaning James Caan's fucking house, which was tiny as shit, but a real mess.

So anyway...we're cleaning and James Caan calls. And he talks to a few people, then he wants to talk to me.

James Caan wants to talk to me???

So I get on the phone.

James is just making small talk with my ass. I had a feeling he was wasted wherever he was calling from.

He asks me "Have you always wanted to be a maid?"

And I said...

"No sir. I've always had aspirations of being a butler."

This cracks James up big time and he offers me a job to be his butler in his tiny little two bedroom house.

Me!! James Caan's butler!!

Of course, I jumped at the job, since I was so sick of being a maid anyway. He told me to quit cleaning and go stand by the door.

So now, I'm standing by the door of James Caan's house, waiting to open and greet people who never come.

And I just watch my former co-maids clean James Caan's house while I stand there, not having to do a damned thing.

...........

I had NO IDEA that dream would look as boring in print as it does. Trust me...it was a pretty cool dream. But on a computer monitor, it looks like I've pretty much gone bonkers.

THIS is why I don't like to tell y'all my dreams. I come here with a hard-on for the dreams and then once they're typed out, they suck shit and lose all their shimmer.

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Went and saw "Godspell" last night.

I was pretty disappointed. I thought it was going to be about God entering a spelling bee.

Which...it wasn't.

It was an okay production. Like I said yesterday...I don't care for plays. I've gone to tons of them over the years and have only liked a select few.

The main reason I hate going to plays is I'm so damned uncomfortable there. I'm 6'3". I weigh about the same as your average refrigerator.

I have what is called "An Ex-football player's build".

So when I try to sit in these seats in theaters that were designed for midgets and people with no legs, I'm EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

Not quite "Accidently sitting on your balls" uncomfortable. But ...uncomfortable nevertheless.

Last night, I was trying to stretch my left leg because it was starting to cramp up during the performance. So I have my leg stretched out in front of my wife, twisting and turning the damned thing to get it comfortable.

The other couple we went with were staring at me like I had decided to urinate right there.

Just as I got my leg comfy.....

...............................

....Charley Horse.

The back of my calf cramped up as muscles contracted.

If you've ever had a charley horse, you know that in order to get rid of it, you have to walk it off and scream bloody murder.

I couldn't do EITHER.

Well...I could have. Me screaming and running up and down the stairs with my hands on the backs of my calves would have been much more interesting than the show itself, I assure you.

So I sat there and moaned as quietly as possible.

Which...if you've ever moaned quietly in a theater...it sounds like you're receiving oral sex to the people around you.

Trust me on that one...

So I sat there in immense pain, wishing and praying I would just pass out from the pain and when I woke up, it'd be curtain call time.

No such luck. I stayed alert.

When we left the theater, I was walking like I had crapped my pants after letting the charley horse sink in for 45 minutes.

"What was going on with you and your leg," my buddy Clay asked me.

"Charley horse," I told him. "I thought if I screamed and started hobbling around in circles during that girl's solo, it would have thrown her off considerably."

"Smart move," he agreed.

Before you start sending cards and letters...rest assured...it feels great today.

Thanks to my good friend Ben Gay.

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Sooooo...the agenda for my Saturday....

We are going to get the nursery in some kind of order today. For the last two months, it's served as our "storage room" for stuff that we can't put in our storage shed.

Today, we find somewhere else to store all this crap.

We've gotta put a crib together...a changing table...ummmmm....I think that's about it.

Susie wants to put wooden shelves on all four walls of the room near the ceiling, to put toys on.

...Fucking HGTV and its wack-assed ideas...

We've gotta bathe the dog today. She smells like....I'd say she smells like shit, but that would be too kind.

I know this much...I'm getting sick of her sitting right next to me, stinkin' me up.

And then SOMETIME today, Susie wants to go register at Toys R Us for baby stuff.

That should be about as much fun as accidently sitting on one's balls.

I'm outta here. The dog won't leave me alone. I think she wants to go share her stink with the rest of the neighborhood.

Far be it for me to stand in front of her dreams.

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ELDERLY WALKING COUPLE CONVERSATION FROM YESTERDAY

(It was just the old lady walking yesterday without her man)

ME: "Where's your partner this morning?"

OLD LADY: "His foot was hurting him."

ME: "My foot hurts every day."

OLD LADY: "Yep."

CURSES!!! She turned the tables on my ass!!

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