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16:37:11 - 2000-03-11

GOD BLESS THE BRAIN-DEAD CHIMP KIDS

The wife is EVER so bitchy today.

I'm not exactly sure why. Granted, she's been under a lotta stress lately, but this is more of a bitchy attitude than a sorrowful one. She's not saying much, and when she does speak, it's something ugly.

I left her alone most of the morning because ...well...she slept.

I asked her what she wanted to do today and she got ALLLL bent out of shape.

"Do we HAVE to do something every weekend?"

Ummmmm....no. As a matter of fact, I can already tell that I don't wanna do SHIT WITH YOUR ASS today, Missy.

So I let her watch the Game Show network all damned day while I went and got groceries and cleaned house.

God forbid I tell her to get up. She'll gnaw my balls off with her incisors.

Speaking of the Game Show Network ... has anybody else seen this show "Inquizition" on there??

Holy hell ...we watched it and it spooked the shit outta me last night.

It's a game show, but it's the strangest damned thing I've ever seen. Four contestants are competing, and the host is only seen from behind. He looks and speaks like Ben Franklin from behind except his hair is long and wild. He insults the contestants constantly, calling them all kindsa names for being stupid.

And worst of all, there's no live studio audience. Only this ominous, horror movie music playing in the background.

You never really realize how important an audience is to a game show until you don't have one. And then you realize...well ... they sure are important, man.

(I SWEAR I had a point there...)

The guy sits there and reads multiple choice question in that scary assed voice and the four contestants are staring at him as if he were God.

Okay ... here's where it gets weird.

He eliminates one contestant every few minutes...whoever has the lowest score at the time is gone.

But ... how he gets rid of them is weird.

He berates them for being stupid and then tells them to go.

Then the contestant turns around and faces the wall silently and doesn't go anywhere.

It was JUST LIKE the end of The Blair Witch Project.

I swear to God I almost shit myself. It creeped me out that bad.

I kept telling Susie to change the channel that I was going to have nightmares over a freaky assed game show.

Needless to say, she never changed the channel once.

Maybe that's why she's pissed.

Anyway...I'd have to say "Inquizition" is even creepier than the Food Network's "Iron Chef" show, which really scared me a couple of weeks ago.

OH!!

One more plug for a show you've never and probably WILL never watched...

It's also on the Game Show Network and it's called "Click". We usually see it on Saturday mornings.

Okay ... this show makes me DESPISE TEENAGERS.

It's all teenagers having to answer questions. And wherever the fuck these brain-dead chimps crawled out of, they need to crawl right back because these kids are giving the youth of America a bad rap. Because I KNOW teens aren't as stupid as the lame fucks they get on this show.

I fucking HATE the show, but I'm hooked on it and watch it, just to keep a running total of the questions the teens get right, which is ALWAYS some minute number like 7 out of 85.

The host is a teen hearthrob wannabe who comes out leaping and jumping all over the stage like an epileptic cheerleader on crank. It's obvious his co-workers can't stand the cheesy bastard whenever they have to deal with his ass in front of the camera. He's smarmier than Corey Feldman ... THAT should speak volumes for the guy.

He starts asking the contestants these questions that dogs could answer if you gave them enough time and one of those little electric voice boxes.

And from the start, these kids look like deer caught in headlights.

"What's 100 minus 50?"

"Uhhhhh...I dunno...."

"Name the actor who starred in 'Forrest Gump'."

"Uhhhhh...I dunno...."

"How many fingers does the average person have?"

"Uhhhhh...I dunno...."

"How many times did that asshole Josh call your house and hang up last night?"

"OHHHH! Let me tell you alllll about what Josh did last night, that asshole...."

(Eyes. Roll.)

I swear to you...the questions are easy as hell. Granted ... one-third of my brain is reserved for trivial facts so I'm pounding out the answers like a mad man.

Meanwhile, these kids are caught drooling and picking their nose on camera while hollering out the "Click" battlecry...

"Uhhhhh...I dunno...."

Although...let's be honest ... the day that show "Click" gets some intelligent kids that actually exhibit the brain pattern of an average human being is the day I take my cable box and throw it through the front window of my cable company.

Because it's those morons who make television interesting.

God bless the Brain Dead Chimp Kids.

Every last pointy-headed goddamned one of 'em.

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