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5:53 a.m. - 2001-12-12

GRAB YOUR COFFEE, HERE'S YOUR MORNING NEWS

We may not make it to Christmas.

I just read this story from America's latest heartthrob, Johnny Walker Red in the Washington Times.

Johnny says that by Sunday, there will be a biological attack performed on the United States by Al Qaeda and the Al Qaeda Orchestra. Followed up by the total destruction of our country.

Government people have no idea what to think of this. John-Boy seems a bit delusional ... hell ... most homeless people complaining of spiders crawling out of their arms currently have more credibility than J.W. Then again, you have to wonder ... is this dirtbag telling the truth?

Al Qaeda has decided that they weren't going to surrender after their deadline to surrender passed last night. All 1,000 of them are still fighting fiercely from their caves with sticks and rocks.

This has been Uncle Matt Lauer with your morning news.


Susie finally got around to putting the Christmas tree up last night.

This has always been her gig. She gets a special thrill out of decorating the tree and celebrating her accomplishment with an egg nog toast. And sometimes a few quick snorts of crystal meth.

Me? I sit back and watch, scratching myself and pointing out everything she's doing wrong. And cutting up the crystal meth.

HA! HA! I KID!

I've never done crystal meth in my life. Does it even get cut up and snorted? I wouldn't know.

Anyway, all she did was put up the tree itself last night. It's a fine Corinthian plastic tree with life-like branches and a nice plastic stump.

We've had the same fake tree since we moved in together in 1986. This is its 15th year of being decorated.

We have one ornament that we've had for all 15 years.

It's a pretzel.

In 1986, while she decorated the tree with the limited amount of decorations that we had, I was eating a bag of pretzels and smoking an entire shitload of marijuana.

As I pulled a pretzel out of the bag and brought it to my lips, I noticed that it was very misshapen.

It was a deformed pretzel. Sorta like Tiny Tim from "A Christmas Carol". If only Tiny Tim had been born a pretzel and not an actual boy.

Can you imagine giving birth to a pretzel? Wouldn't that be a hoot?

Anyway, I held the pretzel up and if you held it a certain way, it looked like it was in the shape of Abraham Lincoln's profile.

I arose from my chair and stumbled to the tree. I hung the pretzel from one of the fake branches and declared "This....uhhhhhh.....this ....uhhhhh....this...."

...Keep in mind....I was smoking A LOT of pot back then...

Finally, I blurted out that this pretzel was my contribution to the tree.

Susie found it cute. Probably because if it wasn't for me, she'd be spending the holidays alone, living at her brother's house and being treated like a child. I gave her LIFE, DAMMIT! So back then, every stupid little stoned thing I did she found cute.

That wore off over the years. By the time I quit smoking pot in 2000, my "Funny little actions" while high were about as funny as having your toenails ripped off with a pair of rusty pliers.

Even so, we still have that misshapen pretzel tucked away in a baggie. It's hung every year on the tree with care in hopes that Saint Nick will soon be there and not take a bite and destroy his stomach lining with the 15 year-old treat.

She's taking the day off of work today since we had to go out of town on Saturday for her work. She's going to decorate the tree and then lay around the house and eat bon-bons and watch old game shows on the Game Show Network.

She's not really eating bon bons. What the hell are bon-bons anyway? Chocolate covered cabbage balls or something?

I dunno.

But the tree should be decorated by tonight. And I'm predicting that by 8:00, Andrew will have pulled it down on top of himself and will be crying because he has a fine Corinthian branch stuck in his eye.

Let's see if I'm right.


I'm kinda excited.

Not exactly giddy. But excited.

Tomorrow, my city gets a Mellow Mushroom pizza place.

I've always wanted to try Mellow Mushroom pizza. Mainly because it seemed like such a hippie place to go. I mean...they call their mushrooms "shrooms", for Pete's sakes ... how could a former hippie turn that down??

Sadly, as this town is starved for entertainment, I'm sure the place will be packed to the gills every night for the next six months, after which a new restaurant will open and they'll all flock to that one.

That's usually when I go to a restaurant...when it's been open for about six months. That way, the restaurant has found its rhythm, hired its good employees and not the stiffs who show up to open the place and has found out how to make the items on the menu perfectly.

So it'll be a while before I try Mellow Mushroom.

It should give me enough time to find my cool hippie tie-dye shirt and headbands that I used to wear back in the day.

...You know...if I can get my gut in the shirt.


After we put Andrew to bed last night, I got out some of his Christmas presents and played with them.

They're still in the box and all. But the cool thing about baby toys is they all have open faced boxes where you can push buttons and the toys make all this noise and crap.

That Learning Desk thing he got is sooooo cool. The little computer screen makes all kindsa different pictures and noises.

He's just going to shit when he sees it.

Which isn't saying much, I guess. The kid shits when he sees his Mommy, the dog, any food in bite-sized morsels, boxes of Kleenex, an empty water bottle and any newspaper within his reach.

We were playing on the floor last night. He takes special interest in climbing all over me when I lay down on the floor.

Last night, his diapered butt ended up in my face and I almost hurled.

That kid ... he's got some uhhhhh...nasty stuff in his digestive system. If I had to pinpoint the smell, I'd have to say rancid mustard-covered dead wharf rats.

Boy that kid can stink up a diaper.

I changed his diaper and it looked like he had dumped a can of pumpkin pie filling in his Huggies.

Cleaned him up, we went back to the den, I laid down and we commenced wrestling.

He STILL stunk.

So he got a bath. Which is probably what he wanted anyway, because a bath gives him ample time to play with himself and laugh.

Yep.

He's my boy alright. I think we can rule out the mailman and the dry cleaners guy.


I watched "Scrubs" last night. My God...that is one funny show. Last night's episode was its funniest yet.

If you like good comedies, you need to check it out. I think it's like "Malcolm In The Middle" for adults.

Or "Masterpiece Theater" for juvenile delinquents.

Possibly "Mayberry RFD" for people with teeth.

Regardless...it is one funny show.


That's it. That's all I've got. I'm emotionally drained and my fingertips ache.

Take care...talk to ya later.

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