Comments:

Jane - 2003-12-22 08:13:37
Oh, whatever. Rookie. Didn't someone tell you when you reproduced that these angelic, sweet children are just barnyard animals for, like, five years? You're just lucky he didn't get it in his mouth.
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Jackie D - 2003-12-22 08:34:45
Nip the coprophilia thing in the bud NOW. Dahmer was into the shit thing, and look how he turned out. No offense, but your son is a potential serial killer. (Just kidding. But ew! You must love him a lot.)
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Carole - 2003-12-22 09:04:55
Well at least your carpet is similar in color to his shit. Coulda been worse, I suppose.
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Dawn - 2003-12-22 09:30:20
Did you at least get pictures of naked shit-covered Andrew to show his future girlfriends? A good parent would have...
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Lisa E. - 2003-12-22 09:40:22
Stories like these remind me of why I decided not to have children of my own. I know that I simply would not be able to handle a literal shitstorm in my house. A friend of mine has a 2 year old daughter who also enjoys taking her clothes off. One day, while in her crib "taking a nap", she managed to take off all of her clothes, and take a dump in the corner of the crib. Deciding that it wasn't enough to just leave it in a stinky pile, she then smeared it all over the wall, the window blinds, the curtain, the crib and even her overhead mobile. The child SHIT on her MOBILE!!!! So, yeah, it's not uncommon. But still, not pleasant or for the faint of heart.
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raw - 2003-12-22 09:46:11
javi also loves to run around naked and as a newly minted 3 year old, he HAD to piss all over his new hulk hammer. he doesn't like to poop anywhere but in his underwear, though.
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Robin - 2003-12-22 09:47:35
I'm sure Andrew will be overjoyed, ten years down the road, to find that you've not only recorded these precious memories for posterity, but have broadcasted them to the world at large via the internet. I hope you've started a trust fund for therapy. Heh heh.
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Lisa E. - 2003-12-22 09:50:38
I would also like to add, as someone who did not get a flu shot because I never get the flu, and even when I do, it's not that bad...HA! I now have the flu, and I didn't expect to live to see today. It is miserable and horrible, and anyone out there who has the chance to still get the vaccine, I say, DO IT!!! DO IT RIGHT NOW!! There are parts of my body that ache that I had forgottene even existed, and the fire shooting out of my lungs has now singed the skin off of my throat.
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Mel - 2003-12-22 09:55:42
He's in that damn Freudian 'Anal' stage. He'll grow out of it...Not like I believe that anything Sigmund Freud said was even intelligent... :p
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Bing - 2003-12-22 09:56:17
Nice going UB, you've given yet another piece of ammo for the child-free baby haters to point to and say "See what children do? They not only ruin our restaurant experiences, they crap all over the house. Imagine how nice the world would be if no-one ever had shit-monkeys ever again!" On a related note, go to the pet store and buy 'Nature's Miracle™'. It works good on the crap stains my wife's dogs leave, so I imagine it would work on Andrew-poop.
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Doug - 2003-12-22 10:04:30
You know what they say..... Shit happens
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Jenn - 2003-12-22 10:05:34
That was priceless. Simply priceless!
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Colleen - 2003-12-22 10:11:02
Now you have something to show Andrew when he gets older....
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Ange - 2003-12-22 10:19:29
This reminded me all too much of me the past week, cleaning up my 8 1/2 week old puppy's shit. No matter how cute kids and puppies may be, cleaning up their shit really sucks. Look what they reduce us to!
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Laurie - 2003-12-22 10:25:06
Ewwwwww. I am never having kids.
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Craig - 2003-12-22 10:33:03
oh shit.
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Laura - 2003-12-22 10:38:18
Andrew dropped a dung bomb. Oh well, this is why God makes 'em cute, so you'll think twice about killing them.
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chrystal - 2003-12-22 10:40:58
when my daughter was about 2 years old, she took off her diaper and used a turd as a crayon. She scribbled with it all over her bedroom walls, furniture, doors, and carpet. There was not a square inch of carpet that was not covered in poo when we walked in to find her, scribbling with a turd in hand. It took my husband and I 4 hours to clean up. NOT FUN.
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Lisa E. - 2003-12-22 11:25:46
I wonder if the sense of smell doesn't fully develop until kids get a little older, because it seems like the stink alone would prevent them from wanting to smear poop around. Hmmmm... And, once again, UB has got me wondering things I would never have wondered before! For the record, I would like to respond to the comment someone made about your story being ammo for the child-free baby-haters: Not all childless people hate children. I would give Andrew a big ole hug and kiss, given the opportunity, and as long as he was shit-free at the time. :) I'm a shit hater - not a baby hater!
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Trinity Sixty-Three - 2003-12-22 11:38:10
what do you expect Bob, he's only 3 and he's not potty trained yet. Sheesh.
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SillyRed - 2003-12-22 11:39:33
We have these friends who had a difficult time with their son who like to play computer games. He was 3 and he would be so into playing the games that he would forget to go to the bathroom and just pee in his chair. It took a while to break him of that habit, but he is 7 now and had control of his weewee and his bowels
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Petra - 2003-12-22 11:58:46
He's 3 and doing that and you didn't beat him within an inch of his life? Oh if my stepdaughter pulled anything like that in this late stage of life for her, hellfire and brimstone would be soft and cuddly compared to what she would find in me. Of course, she is potty trained...either way. Death to Poopie!
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whitebarron - 2003-12-22 12:09:59
I think all 3 year old boys do that at least once. I know mine did.
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Gracie - 2003-12-22 12:29:46
My guess? Naked time shouldn't be taken away, just supervised. My cousin still has his naked time, and he did pretty close to what you described once---cept he walked from one end of the room to the other proclaiming he had to go potty. Rather, he said he WAS going potty, and left a trail behind him. Yeah, kids are odd, but we love them anyway. Did I mention I don't have any? LOL I prefer my nephews...this way I can give them back!
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Teresa - 2003-12-22 12:32:57
Been there...done that. My daughter actually tried to vacuum up the shit with a toy vacuum cleaner. She also thought a play tea pot and cups were good to help scoop it up. So not only did i have to clean her and the carpet, i had to clean her toys too. Good Luck! Many more adventures coming your way!LOL
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christy13 - 2003-12-22 12:46:12
That's exactly why I don't want kids. I would have knocked his f&^%ing head off.
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Danelle - 2003-12-22 12:51:17
Wow, gross. I woulda knocked his damn head off too. My kids are 16, 18, and 22 and and only one of them ever shit on the carpet. The rest saw the consequences of those actions, and it never happened again.
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Patricia - 2003-12-22 12:52:03
Ahhh - what you fail to realize it that sometimes this doesn't go away. My son is eight, almost nine, years old and we just had an incident at the mall where he shit his pants. Thought we would be past that by the age of 5, but no. That would not be the case.
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Em - 2003-12-22 13:34:10
ehhehe... I'm so sorry Uncle Bob. Its beautifully classic American, though, when the rest of us can laugh our asses off about the shitty (pun very much intended) that happen to you...
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Lando - 2003-12-22 14:03:24
Least he didn't shit on you UB, and he felt the need to clean it up. also, the talks of the 'magic envelopes' arent working.
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Mary - 2003-12-22 14:10:30
Well I wouldn't say beat the pulp out of the kid but at least scold him. He should have a foundation that lets him know 'nice' people don't crap all over everything like that. damn! I mean he was all about watching TV two minutes after that. I know if that was my dad, I would have been in my room sobbing. And I have a very nice dad. He just wouldn't have stood for that sort of mess with someone who can understand the difference between basic good and bad. sheesh.
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awittykitty - 2003-12-22 14:41:03
I once watched my three year old niece, who was doing the nude living room thing poop and before I could get to her, pick up the poop and take a big whopping bite. Oh my, what a funny expression she had on her widdle face. I will never forget it. She's a school teacher now.
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kelly - 2003-12-22 14:54:34
what it really is thomas the train - my two year old watches it, shits in his room , then rides his little thomas trains all through it so i have shit/train tracks everywhere. but he is the same two year old that pulled a piece of poo out of his rear end to drive cars through it - ON PURPOSE. my daughter never did this - but she never watched THOMAS THE DEVIL TRAIN>
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artemis - 2003-12-22 15:10:06
dude..he was just marking his territory! ^_~
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Teresa - 2003-12-22 15:21:35
Jeez, got some violent-ass people on here! Shit happens sometimes guys! Lighten up people, its a learning experience.Its something to blackmail them with when they get older.Muhahahaha!!
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NavajoRebel - 2003-12-22 15:38:37
That was one of the greatsest entries ever.
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Saladwhore - 2003-12-22 15:46:54
It worries me that so many of your readers are into beating (their) children. I would hope they are just joking - except it isn't funny. I'm glad Andrew's Daddy just lovingly cleaned him up and used this diary to vent about it rather than take it out on his young child.
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Deborah - 2003-12-22 16:36:26
Two words: duct tape.
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Mike - 2003-12-22 16:39:33
I think we need to start blaming the real culprits....Barney, Thomas, etc....insipid "entertainment" with subliminal messages telling young children to rub their feces on their parents' carpets...
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Suzanne - 2003-12-22 16:41:05
You people that think a three year old should be spanked or scolded for doing what is, in their mind, a perfectly natural thing are complete morons and I hope you don't have kids. UB - My neice, when she was 2, decided to leave her monny a present. She scooped all of her lipstick out of the tube and replaced it with poop.
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John-Boy - 2003-12-22 17:07:53
I too think it must be Thomas. I never shit everywhere when I was little. What did I watch? Sesame Street. The Muppets. Mr. Fuckin' Rogers (although his puppets were just plain freaky). I think you may need to pull out some old school edutainment on his punk ass.
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Jendra - 2003-12-22 17:48:47
So, Andrew opted to take a dump on the rug rather than miss his Thomas the Tank engine, eh? Well, at least he has his priorities in order ;P
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cosmicrayola - 2003-12-22 18:09:23
He is 3. He is normal. Not so pleasant sometimes, but normal. Just wait and see what he can do at 4!
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Lindsey - 2003-12-22 18:19:39
Nice shit stains...
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Jenn - 2003-12-22 18:51:33
yea really I never shit anywhere when I was little. I know this because my mom gags at anything and my dad would have been LIVID. If I did that to them, I would have never have heard the end of it. weird days........
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Elaine - 2003-12-22 19:02:56
Sometimes I wish I never had to stop what I'm doing to go to the bathroom. I smell something...Oh, my gosh. Just tell Andrew to repeat: No touch poopy...just look.
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Erika's mom - 2003-12-22 19:10:19
What the hell were you thinking, man?
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Erika - 2003-12-22 19:11:45
ok, that wasn't really my mom, but that's what she was thinking when she read this entry. hahaha
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Sarah - 2003-12-22 23:44:42
hahahahahahahahahahaha i agree that you should have got pictures of andrew.
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Lorrie - 2003-12-22 23:51:44
Potty chair in TV watching room. Works like a charm. May not enhance the decor, but then shit doesn't either :) signed, mother of 3 and 5 year old who learned this from another wise mother.
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mocha - 2003-12-22 23:52:55
Hey U.B. , Ewwww. I can relate though. What I don't understand though is ...all he does is shit? When my 3 sons were 3 years old and naked... they were constantly playing with their wee-wee.My oldest one even tried to look up his sleeping grandmas nightgown at 3! (I guess it was too much HBO)Isn't that that old movie channel?
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Hanna - 2003-12-23 00:39:00
Holy shit, no pun intended. I hope that Stanley Steemer is running a special right now.
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Nysha - 2003-12-23 02:25:36
That was funny, UB. But, why should your wife feel guilty? You were the one who let your 3 yo get nekkid. I do think you should have taken blackmail pictures, though. Andrew will one day pick out your retirement home & you want it to be a good one.
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mrcleanluver - 2003-12-23 03:30:12
Oh man, that sucks! I sympathize with ya. *hugs*
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Katherine - 2003-12-23 03:42:05
Three is not to young to learn about the PAUSE button on the DVD player. Will this be the last time Andrew is nude sans diapers?
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Leslie - 2003-12-23 04:47:07
Only a first time parent would let an unpotty trained 3 yr. old run around the house without a diaper! Sure made for a funny story, tho. Go Andrew!
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lol - 2003-12-23 05:37:42
dude most of the people who said they'd beat a kid silly for shittin all over the place ARE childless. if you had a kid you'd know they cry like crazy if you even lay a finger on them. your eardrums would burst into flames before you even got the shit off of the damnable brat. but trully UB if ever there was a warning story for randy teenies to keep themselves chaste or else this is it.
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Ange - 2003-12-23 09:57:38
Now we all know that Andrew is a budding performance artist and he was really trying to make a political statement about bills around the holiday season. He was ready to lay down that envelope for the big finale before his defecation piece was interrupted. Poor kid. Now he'll end up a street corner mime.
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Rae - 2003-12-24 01:41:01
The closeness of the colours is a nice idea, but in my experience shit stains yellow. Ah, three-year-olds. Although the most fun can be had with toddler crap by feeding them large amounts of shit-altering foodstuffs. The three-year-old dearest in my life has been known to chow down on quantities of capsicum, lettuce, strawberries or kiwi fruit the size of her own head. The end result (no pun intended) is interesting to say the least.
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wordwhore - 2003-12-24 13:31:01
i've a friend with twin siblings & another sister a year younger than the twins. when those children were 3 & 2 respectively, my friend's mother got worried when it became very silent in their bedroom. she walked in to find that the 3 of them had not only shit all over their room, but were painting elaborate murals with it on EVERYTHING & were covered in it head to foot. my friend, 5 at the time, remembers that day as the first time she ever saw her mother cry.
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Kelly in Hsv - 2003-12-29 20:27:00
Ok, that was a great entry and some great responses. I have to say UB, that I tend to agree with Leslie, who remarked about being a new parent and leaving an unpottytrained 3 year old naked and unattended. I have a feeling that is why Andrew didn't get sent to his room? lol And as far as knocking the child's head off....that is just nuts. Yeah it's irritating, but he's a child and I don't know many 3 year olds who can completely appreciate the ramifications of right and wrong behavior yet! (And just ask my kids, I am no "softie"...I enjoy spanking them, lol).
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Sharon - 2003-12-30 18:06:05
Reason #173,872 NOT to have kids!!! It's bad enough when my dog does it.
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Eddy - 2003-12-31 10:39:27
Two words: Holy shiat!
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Chad Bryant - 2004-11-17 18:33:28
If that had been MY child, I would have cleaned him up, then tied him to a bedpost and beat him with a Kermit the Frog doll. Of course, I can't see my kids anymore since I got divorced...
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Huh? - 2005-08-24 21:09:52
You really need to go to a doctor and get that boy checked out. I think he has some mental problems.
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??? - 2005-08-30 18:53:00
Gag!! Even my dogs are better trained than that. Jesus Christ, that is one sick kid.
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