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Comments:
Weetabix - 2004-10-11 09:04:06
Oooooh! Burn!
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cosmicrayola - 2004-10-11 09:11:09
I think I would get it back, paint it and stencil the name "Robert" on it. That would probably guarantee you'd never even see her again. Teehee.
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warcrygirl - 2004-10-11 09:15:33
OMG, I think we have the same grandma, UB. I LOVE cosmicrayola's idea. I detest "gifts" with srings attached.
She let her grandson sit in his own shit over a fucking candy jar???? She needs to be fired and bitch-slapped.
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Kari - 2004-10-11 09:15:43
Oooo...I like the painted black idea.
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jg - 2004-10-11 09:22:34
"I divorce thee"? Awesome.
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J - 2004-10-11 09:50:09
This is my favorite posting yet. Check and mate.
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mizlizzy - 2004-10-11 10:14:45
Granny is a sad, sad woman...I am glad you have fired her from the babysitting position. On a good note, she didn't try to get you to sell that godforsaken drink did she?? My inlaws are in Amway, so I feel your pain--I am always afraid they are going to try to make me join up. LOL
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Lisa E. - 2004-10-11 11:26:48
What is it with people and the lifetime tracking of worthless possessions? We recently found out my mother is terminally ill, so I have been cleaning out her house, and trying to handle things for her as best I can. This has been no easy task because she is a rather disorganized packrat who has lived in the same house for 27 years. I am finding bills stuffed in cabinets amongst plates, family photos tucked into magazines from 1982 and important legal documents in the linen closet behind the toolbox and cat food. The job only gets bigger the farther into it I go. When my aunt heard I was cleaning out the house, she told me to find a 3/4" blue belt that she had given my mother in 1995. Then she came by the house yesterday while I was working to ask me if I had found it yet. I offered to just give her the cash for it (I'd say .14 cents ought to cover it) so I wouldn't have to worry about something so trivial during such a bad time. But no...she wants/needs/must have the belt, even though she has gained more than 50 lbs since she last wore it, and wouldn't even be able to put it on now. If I find it, it will take all of my self-control to not wrap it around her fool neck.
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gee - 2004-10-11 11:36:18
You win. Your family is more bat-shit fucking crazy than mine. You have my sympathies.
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lorrie - 2004-10-11 11:49:12
Smashing, UB!! Simply smashing! I can't wait to hear her reply to that.
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Kay - 2004-10-11 12:03:41
And I thought my husband's family had mad pack rat skills.
Kudos. Granny wins, hands down.
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Cat - 2004-10-11 12:35:53
OMG! I never laughed so hard at a post in my life! I think we have the same In-Laws! LOL can't wait to see how this ends up!
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Amnesia - 2004-10-11 13:26:05
Such strong family ties. I admire that. And I thought my family was full of idiots...that takes the cake.
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Christina - 2004-10-11 14:36:40
Thank you for making me feel so much better about my own family. I owe you one, UB.
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DS - 2004-10-11 14:42:12
I agree with Christina. LOL That entry was such a sunshine spreader :)
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BigPimpinMBA - 2004-10-11 14:50:26
I can't believe that nobody noticed this... UB's pen name is the same name that his mother-in-law abhors with a vengance. Knowing our friend UB, this is no coincidence. You kick ass once again, UB.
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Kassie - 2004-10-11 15:41:42
Oh. My. Sweet. Baby. Jesus.
In the back of my mind somewhere among the clutter, all weekend I was thinking "hmm, I wonder how Granny's visit went?"
Absolutely fantastic post.
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Karenpuppy - 2004-10-11 16:31:06
I always understood that your family was a little..ahem, annoying, but that woman is batshit crazy. I hope you go through with your plan and that this particular idea is not just some way of you letting off steam through creative writing. Just remember: you are NOT being unreasonable.
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Wombat - 2004-10-11 17:10:49
I think the important point to consider here is, are you going to come into an enormous enough inheritance to make all this pain worthwhile. Cause if not, you go Uncle Bob!
Now I'm dying to hear about your week cooped up in a house with your relatives in Arkansas. Can't you claim your kid has earache or something and spend the week in a nice, quiet hotel? If not, I'm kind of worried you might to take them all out with an Uzi or something.
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Marty - 2004-10-11 17:47:51
Classic case of small-life syndrome. Some old people get it. Basically it boils down to the fact that we get 70 or 80 years on the planet, if we're lucky, to do whatever it is we're gonna do. Some people do something useful, some don't. The ones that don't, if they live to be old, get small-life syndrome, where the entire world is as big as their life--that is to say, bounded by concerns like "saving 14 cents on baked beans at the market" and "getting my hair done" that, in the grand scheme of things, are really fucking idiotic. Therefore, while possession of the candy jar represents like .0000001% of the concerns in your world, it's like 17% of the concerns in Granny's. Just tell her that she still has a few moments in her life to do something useful before she wastes all of the years of humanity that were obviously squandered upon her, and that she'd better get at it.
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Wheeliecrone - 2004-10-11 18:26:29
The British have a name for Susie's Grandma's condition. In Britain, crazy=mad. And Grandma is barking mad. Or just plain barking.
I am a Grandma, although I am referred to as "Nanna", and I make it clear whenever I give something to someone that the object now belongs to them and they may do with it whatever they wish. And that is how it is.
But then, I have a life.
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Sarah - 2004-10-11 18:56:37
Hmm.
She hates the name "Robert"... and your alias is "Uncle Bob".
I see a connection here.
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Josh - 2004-10-11 18:59:43
Yeah, my family just became a little less crazy by comparison. Thanks. I think it would be great if, when granny comes over to get the candy jar, you could do one of those slow-motion trip-fumbles, sending the jar across the room and smashing it into a million tiny pieces right in front of her face. Then always send her peppermint sticks for Christmas. Mwu-hahaha!
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Nephew Robert - 2004-10-11 19:32:13
Uh oh ... time to change my name? Let me suck a peppermint stick and think about it...
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grassyknoll - 2004-10-11 21:09:37
Psycho.
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awittykitty - 2004-10-11 22:51:10
Maybe you can sell it on E-Bay and say that it belonged to Abraham Lincoln and make $20,000. Or maybe you can just shake your head and chuckle and say... Old people sure do die with alarming regularity. Maybe you're next granny!
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carmilla30 - 2004-10-12 00:02:14
thank u for makeing me feel better about my family. cuse there abunch of packrats as well. u should have seen all the stuff we had to take out my grandma's mobile home when she moved in whith us.
and how could she not change the diper.
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steph - 2004-10-12 00:30:24
OMG, Uncle Bob. I thought my family was nuts, but they're not too bad in comparison. Grandma needs a life, she's already wasted too much time on worrying about that damn candy jar. I think if you manage to get it back from the neighbors, you should send Grandma a ransom note. Tell her she can't have the candy jar back 'till you see your $$$.
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Azimel - 2004-10-12 09:22:27
Uncle Bob wins again. Somewhat.
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nautile - 2004-10-12 12:06:22
Wow, Granny sounds like my own grandmother, except mine doesn't yell. She just gives you these glaring stares like she's trying to melt you down with her eyes.
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Veronica - 2004-10-12 14:02:04
You should tell Granny that the neighbours broke it...with a dumptruck. I wouldn't waste my time trying to get that thing back.
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lorrie - 2004-10-13 12:35:27
You know, I hear they often take a long time to change diapers in the crappy nursing home that she'll end up in someday (smiles happily)
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lorrie - 2004-10-13 12:35:52
You know, I hear they often take a long time to change diapers in the crappy nursing home that she'll end up in someday (smiles happily)
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asian blowjob handjob - 2005-12-29 17:42:53
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