OH YEAH...AND THE CAPTAIN & TENILLE!!

In my day, I used to be a concert-goin' sonofabitch. These days ... shit...I'd rather pay 20 bucks, watch the concert on PPV and have it on video for future use, then actually ATTEND the concert. I don't want to rub elbows with ... well...whatever the hell goes to concerts these days.

Plus...I look like a narc if I show up at a Korn show. I'm 38. I know my limitations these days.

With the exception of (and I'm dating myself here) Bruce Springsteen, I've seen everyone I've ever wanted to see onstage.

Well ... of course ... N'Sync. I'm not a BIG fan of the band...but I think Nick is just THE DREAMIEST!!!

...If, in fact, there is a "Nick" in the band.

If there isn't, find me some boy band with a "Nick" in it and substitute that for N'Sync.

...Christ...I'm losing my credibility with the kids by the second, huh?

Anywahoooo.... Tonite I wanna share wi' cha some concert memories from days past. Be forewarned...I was young. I was foolish. And I was HAPPY.

Be young...be foolish...but be happy....whooohoooohoooooohoooooHOOOOOOHOOOOOOOhoooooo....

It's an old song...sorry...

Shit....Captain Ramble at your service...okay...the damned concerts...sorry....I keep getting sidetracked here. I think the dog has shit on her fur again. She's starting to freak out and the skies are gettin' dark. Storm's comin'...

MY FIRST CONCERT:

At the age of 15, I was allowed to go see Pablo Cruise. Pablo Cruise were a California band, semi-popular in the 70s. If I had to compare them to any band today, I'd say they were the Dog's Eye View of the 70s. They blew like a ten dollar whore.

I saw them at the Grand Ol' Opry in Nashville. Being my first concert, I borrowed Mom's cigarette lighter to take and "flick" when the lights went out because I saw them do that on TV once.

I accidently burned my thumb, dropped the lighter and couldn't find it, and Mom bitched me out like I had wrecked the car.

It's a goddamned Bic, Mom.

THE STUPIDEST THINGS I EVER DID AT CONCERTS

* I took way too many mushrooms and went to see The Plasmatics, an extremely punk band in the 70s, fronted by Wendy O.Williams, an ex-porn star who killed herself a few years ago. I was down front, and for some reason, I had the sudden urge to spin around in circles as quickly as possible with my arms outstretched in a crowded area. I did this for roughly a minute, slinging sweat everywhere. If I recall, I was rather hot and my throat was parched. I never did mushrooms again.

LESSON OF THE DAY: Drugs are bad.

* I got in a loud verbal argument with a date at a Heart concert while sitting in our seats before the show began. I don't remember a whole helluva lot about that concert.

* I was walking to my seat at the Rolling Stones concert when I noticed the bass player from Counting Crows behind me (they were opening for the Stones). I shook his hand and told him he was "fucking great". He thanked me and then he gave the two ladies he was with a smug little smirk like "whatta geek.." I woulda kicked his wimpy little ass, but then they'd have to cancel the concert and I'd have 65,000 people wanting to kick MY ass. I may be Uncle Bob, Man of No Fear ... but hey ... them ain't odds I wanna touch.

* I had horrible abdominal cramps at a Styx concert while on a date. I finally had to bite the bullet and go relieve myself in a stall that people had been puking in and not flushing all night.

Do I have to draw you a sharper image, or have you got the picture??

THE SECOND BEST CONCERT I EVER SAW:

Mainly because of the years of anticipation, I finally got to see KISS in 1979.

I had been a HUGE fan (almost 275 lbs) of the band for five years at that point, and I dreamt about this concert for WEEKS leading up to it.

Two weeks before the concert, my ticket was stolen out of my locker. I managed to find a friend who had an extra ticket and was back in the concert.

The thing I remember most about the band was their entrance. There were four BIG ASSED speakers on stage. All the lights went out, a low bass note started vibrating the coliseum, smoke started pouring out of the tops of these speakers, and the four members of KISS, in all their makeup, leather, fire and blood, rose up slowly out of the speakers, standing perfectly still like manequins.

They looked like the mightiest fucking warriors in the world to me.

I must have screamed like Neve Campbell for two hours. I couldn't talk for days afterwards. They did EVERY song that I wanted to hear.

It rocked. But it wasn't ....

THE BEST CONCERT I EVER SAW

I've seen a lot of bands. I saw U2 open for the J. Geils Band in a gymnasium in 1981. I saw Prince open for the Rolling Stones . I saw John Cougar open for Heart. I've seen Pink Floyd, Journey, Van Halen, Aerosmith, The Kinks, Little Richard, Ray Charles, Yes (in their prime...I still hate 'em), The Wallflowers and Counting Crows, Tripping Daisy, Third Eye Blind, Alice Cooper, Joan Jett, Loverboy (heh...Loverboy ... they fuckin' rocked, dude), Ted Nugent (the LOUDEST fucking concert I've ever heard .... Def Leppard and Scorpions opened up for him), Cheap Trick (11 times), Pat Benatar, Steve Miller, Collective Soul, Styx, Paul McCartney, Supertramp,Harry Connick Jr. , Aretha Franklin, The Eagles, Queen, The Ramones (At the Exit-In in Nashville...a little hole in the wall club...a WILD fucking show)..........

But none of them held a candle to The B-52s.

In their prime, I dug the B-52s. Their prime (in my book) was after their first two albums, when they were still young and that horrid "Love Shack" hadn't wormed it's way into their repertoire.

I told you some of the story a few days ago ... I worked security for the show and met Cindy Wilson and Kate Strickland backstage ... the two ladies in the band.

They had a ton of people in the band that night and just blew the crowd away. EVERYONE was standing on their chairs at the end, dancing to a 10-minute long "Rock Lobster". The band was doing every single dorky dance you could imagine, letting the audience know that there's no WAY they could look as stupid as the band looked.

Even us security guys got into it. I was on the lower right front side of the stage. I looked to my left, and the other security guys were grinning and dancing and watching the band, mesmerized just like everyone else. It was such an awesome experience and one I've never experienced since.

The rest of the show was great. But it's that moment when all I could see was a sea of people dancing like idiots that sticks with me.

You can tell how enthusiastic I am about the show...I didn't make any stupid wise cracks about it that nobody understands anyway.

Hey wow...tornado sirens going off...we're under the gun for another 30 minutes and the sky is getting creepy. If I die...you get everything, cos you my dawg...deal??

Kiss me and pray.

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If you loved me, you'd leave me A MESSAGE.

If you want to read my diary from 1980 when UNCLE BOB was 18 and pitiful and NO self esteem , CLICK HERE

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