WHORE COOTIES

Ugh.

I don't feel so good.

So my boy Mattie Gee calls me last night about 7 p.m.

"You comin' to the show tonight," he asks.

"What show," I ask back, turning the conversation into a game of "Question Time".

"Awwww man," Mattie Gee says, thus losing the game. "I told you we're playing at Gator's tonight and you said you'd be there."

Okay...Mattie Gee is in about seventeen thousand different bands. It's not my gig to keep up with the concert dates of every single one of them.

He's quite LITERALLY the hardest working man in local show bidness.

I had to bow out.

"Mattie Gee...I TOLD YOU that today I was getting my cable modem. It's here (AND EXCELLENT!!!) and I'm probably just going to hang around here tonight."

Dumb move.

"Awwww man," Mattie Gee reiterated. "You said you'd come hear us play."

...This is how I know I'm going to suck as a dad...

"Alright fine, I'll be there," I said with a sigh, caving in to Mattie's whims.

"Cool...we start at 8," he said, all perky and shit.

I grudgingly pulled myself from Napster, showered and went to the show.

The band was Matt's "blues" band. He's also in an 80s cover band and a pop band.

Okay...three bands. Not 17,000. Sometimes it just SEEMS like 17,000.

They had a pretty good turnout for a Wednesday night...about 75 people at first.

I sat with Jamie, my boss's son, at the bar.

"I'm sho drunk," he informed me as I sat down.

"What's new," I responded.

(Jamie has a bit of a drinking problem)

Jamie was trying to set me up to get laid. I tried to remind him that I was married with a child on the way to no avail.

The first two women he introduced me to...well...I woulda sworn they were drag queens.

The third one was ummmmm...a whore.

"Do you know who this is," he asked the whore, gesturing toward me.

"No I don't," the whore said, holding out her hand for me to either shake, kiss, or take in marriage.

"He's famous," Jamie slurred. "He's the funniest guy in the world."

"Really," the whore cooed, putting her arm around my shoulders.

"I've hit a slump lately," I mumbled to the whore. "Jim Carrey has surpassed me."

The whore ACTUALLY started rubbing her boobs on my back, which really did nothing for me, except cover my back in whore cooties. I think I was so unamused that the whore realized I wasn't going to take her out to the parking lot and let her blow me in the back of a van, so she moved on to another victim.

Another woman walked up and started talking to Jamie. He tried the same line with her about how I was someone famous.

She cozied up to me for a few seconds while I sipped my beer. Finally, she asked the right question.

"Where do I know you from," she asked with her arm around me.

Heh.

"You're good friends with my wife, Susie," I told the woman.

And she was.

Heh.

She removed her arm (thank you) and was all like "THAT'S RIGHT!"

(Susie used to wait on this drunk woman all the time when she was a bartender and I'm pretty sure they hung out outside of work as well)

This drunk woman THEN proceeds to blurt out that she's NOT a whore.

Your whoredom was never in question, ma'am.

But boy...she sure did want to clarify her innocense. It was mildly amusing.

Finally, I said "I know you're not a whore."

That pacified this drunken whore. She said "Good. Tell Susie I said hi" and stumbled away.

THEN...

Mattie Gee's brother comes up to me. He plays rhythm guitar in the band. I've known Danny Gee for a while now ...he's a good guy.

He starts rubbing his elbow on mine without saying a word.

"What the fuck are you doing," I asked this drunken bastard.

"I'm rubbing elbows with a star," he said.

Apparently, he just started reading my professional column and had no idea that I could be as amusing as I am.

...Like I said ... I've been in a slump lately. I explained I was much funnier before my dad had his aneurysm. Since then, I take life a bit more seriously than I used to.

He could care less. He was shooting Jagermeister and thinking he was hanging with Jonathan Winters.

All in all...an okay time. I had four beers and feel like shit this morning. I have obviously lost my drinking touch.

***********************

The cable modem rocks! I've downloaded almost 50 songs from Napster in less than 24 hours.

Whooooohooooooo!!!!

One song took 45 seconds to download. I was so excited I wet myself, the desk and my office chair.

Told ya...I was excited dammit.

STILL haven't typed in the gut-busting entry that I've been meaning to. But when I do...hoooo boy....laughs 'a plenty.

Trust me.

It's coming.

Oh ... got my hair cut yesterday.

Nobody even noticed.

I feel like a slighted woman.

Gotta walk the dog. She's scratching my thigh like the house is on fire.

Love ya.