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17:15:12 - 2000-02-14

Look...this is a diary that has words that if you said them in front of your mother, she'd probably faint. If these types of words offend you, you may want to turn away from your computer monitor and run screaming in horror, because Uncle Bob ain't no nun.

COUNTRY MUSIC MAKES ME WANNA PUNCH OUT A TRUCK

"Well I was drunk the day my ma got out of prison,

And I went to pick her up in the rain.

But before I could get to the station in the pick-up truck

She got runned over by a GODDAMNED TRAAAAAAAAAIN

And I'll hang around as long as you will let me

And I never minded standing in the rain

And you don't have to call me darlin' (THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!)DARLIN'

You never even called me

Well I wonder why you don't call me

Why don't you ever call me by my name?"

Let me clarify something right now. I don't care for country music. Most times, I'd rather have my toenails removed with a rusty butter knife by a blind chimp than listen to a star with a name like Tim McGraw.

I won't go so far as to say I hate country music. Hate is too strong a word to use when referring to Country Music. "Hate" is a word best describing things like...oh I dunno...Banky's Diary.

THAT'S A JOKE BANKSTAH! ! I LOOOOOOOVE your diary. I just picked on you because I KNEW you could take the ribbing.

(...Think he bought it?? Damn. There goes another faithful reader ....)

There are some country songs that I actually have a fondness for. But keep in mind, I normally have to be knee-dragging drunk to jam out like a big dog to the twangin' sounds of country music.

One of the songs that does make me squeal like a little school girl is David Allen Coe's "You Never Even Call Me By My Name". Some people know it as "The Perfect Country Western Song", because of the verses that I quoted above. The ummmm.....the ones at the top of the column....yeah....those...not the disclaimer at the top....that's for the kids that think they're cool by reading a diary by a guy old enough to be their dad.

Did I mention I'm delerious from too much chocolate today?!?

I'm sitting here listening to this damned David Allen Coe song over and over again (having just downloaded the Mp3 from Napster.com which is the absolute best thing I've ever seen in MP3s. You've GOT to use it), I've got my puny little computer speakers cranked to the max and I'm singing along like a drunken redneck who just got his first piece of barnyard animal butt. My neighbors must think I've broke on through to the redneck side.

Originally, I hated the hell out of this song.

I was going to college at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville from 1981-1983 and Ivy's was a little college bar that became my second home. My apartment was about three blocks away, so no matter how drunk I got, I could usually manage to stumble home.

I had never even heard this David Allen Coe song before going to Ivy's. The first time I heard it on the jukebox, I booed from my table.

(...Yes, I booed the jukebox. I thought I made it perfectly clear here...I WAS A DRUNK).

Anyway...my friends quickly hushed me and explained that this song was like the National Anthem in Ivy's. And sure as shit...by the time the verses I quoted above rolled around in the song, the entire bar sang along in a group karaoke at the top of their drunken lungs.

Moments like that for me are hard to put into words. My love for music knows no boundaries, and when an entire bar can get into one song enough to where everyone ....from freaks to geeks ... can sing along without any shame...man...that shit just moves me. I've seen it one other time...when I was in a club and heard a song called "Straight To Hell" by drivin' n cryin'. The entire crowd sang along like it was "Happy Birthday" and I thought....too freakin' cool. And now that's one of my favorite songs as well.

God. If you got me drunk enough (i.e. 11:30 every single evening of my college life) I would put a quarter in the jukebox, crank up Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual", unbutton my shirt to expose my hairless chest and start gyrating my hips and serenading the ladies at their table. I didn't know the words except for "It's Not Unusual to be loved by anyone". I usually just made up the rest, or relied on a shitload of "La-la-la-ing" sounding like Ella Fitzgerald after a stroke. I was every woman's dream. A drunk college boy who thinks he's working his way into their pants by making up dirty lyrics to Tom Jones songs.

Yes sirree Bob...I was quite the catch in my day ...

Anyway ... if you have MP3s, go to Napster.com, register and download David Allen Coe's "You Never Even Call Me By My Name".

And sing along with Bob.

MY CURRENT MP3 PLAYLIST

Like anyone cares....

"You Never Even Call Me By My Name" David Allen Coe

"Joey" Concrete Blonde

"Sweet Jane" Cowboy Junkies

"Fade Into You" Mazzy Star

"Fake Plastic Trees" Radiohead

"Bohemian Rhapsody" The Braids

"Killing Me Softly" The Fugees

"Family Tradition" Hank Williams

"A Boy Named Sue" Johnny Cash

"A Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis" Tom Waits

I'm in a mellow mood.... Happy V.D. If this one sucks, next year's will be ten times better.

Let's say I would like to comment on country music. Or maybe I might want to talk about something else entirely. Where would I leave you a message if that was the case?

If you want an actual diary entry from Uncle Bob ... click here

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