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09:46:07 - 2000-08-24

YOU GOTS TO HAB DA DUCKIES WHEN YOU GO'S TO DA MALL

Well...there ya go...Survivor is over...

Were ya as shocked as I was??

I liked the Reunion show.

I still wanna see Jenna nekkid...'cept she turned down Playboy. So the only way I think that's ever going to happen is if I stalk her.

And quite frankly, my schedule is a tad full to be out stalking.

Lucky for her. Because I bet I'd be a helluva stalker if I just put my mind to it.

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Because I am not ORIGINALLY from Alabama, I still see things that shock me.

17-page autobiographies to start.

Casual dating amongst family members is another.

But yesterday, I was more shocked than...than...than....ummmmm...c'mon metaphor bank, open up...........

More shocked than a guy who just died in the electric chair.

YESSSS!!!

(Bob does his metaphor victory dance in the dark of his living room and stubs his toe on the coffee table)

I went to J.C. Penney's to pick up an order my wife had placed earlier in the week.

While standing in line, this massive woman with three kids running around her was about two people ahead of me in the line.

When the first available customer service representative became available, she shuffled over to the window to pick up her order.

Her order was 60-something dollars.

"Oh...I's don't hab dat mush money," the woman confessed to the entire room. "I's only got me twenny dollar."

Now, in any other state in the union, this should be the end of the conversation right there. She doesn't have more than twenty dollars, so technically, she should come back when she can pay for the order.

Not this lady.

She's asked if she has a Penney's charge card.

"I can'ts afford any charge card," she scoffed.

...Like charge cards cost money to buy...

She then tries to bargain with the people.

I swear to you, she TRIES to get the customer service guy to let her take the clothes and she'll come "rights back wit da money."

I let out a long sigh. The kinda sigh that says "Lady...you're an idiot" without relying on the English language per se.

The customer service rep says they can't do that (Smart move, Einstein) and asks her if she can just write a check for the amount.

"Oh, heavens no," the lady laughs. "I don't have THAT kinda money in the banks."

...Okay ... if she doesn't have THAT kinda money in the bank...why should he trust her to take her clothes and not come back?? Where the hell is she going to come up with fifty dollars?

THINK LADY! THINK!!

Then again...like most Alabamians, she probably keeps the money under her mattress and is always shocked when her money turns up missing after crackheads break into her shanty.

The customer service rep once again explained that she couldn't have the clothes until she paid for them.

Then the lady got pissed.

THAT PART blew my mind. Just because she had ORDERED the clothes she felt obligated to HAVE the clothes. Never mind this whole "paying for product" rule they may have.

Dammit!! Dat's HER clothes!!

I bet she always goes to the gas station, fills up her tank and tells the cashier when she runs out of gas, she'll come back and pay for it.

She told the guy he was rude (he wasn't) and she was going to SUE J.C. Penney's for discrimination.

Which kinda gave me the giggles because they were both black.

She then waddled out of the store, ranting and raving with her kids silently following Big Mama.

This state is FULL of scam artists. People trying to get something for nothing (or for $20). Now, this lady didn't look like a scam artist ... she just looked like an idiot.

I chuckled to myself and took her place at the counter. The sales rep acted like it was nothing, this shit happens all the time to him.

I gave him my phone number to get my order.

He brings my order back to me.

I reach in my wallet to get my Penney's charge card.

Whooops.

I don't have a Penney's charge card. My wife does though.

I have a Sears card.

Oh silly me. I get the two stores mixed up all the time.

Word of advice for those of you ordering clothes from Penney's:

You must have either a charge card, check or proper amount of cash to pick up orders.

It doesn't matter if your wife has a charge card when she's at work on the other side of town.

...Oh. And they won't accept Sears charge cards either.

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

Which would you rather have...a million dollars or guaranteed perfect health for the rest of your life?

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