WE SHOULDA NAMED THE KID "DAMIEN"

I am the father of the world's worst kid.

I know, I know...I've done nothing but brag about this little shit for the last two months.

And that bragging was for real. The kid WAS perfect for the longest time.

Now...I keep checking his scalp for a 666 somewhere.

Last night...8 p.m., the kid's eating and falls asleep on the boob. No biggie...he's done this before.

He wakes up at 9:30, screaming like his dick's been twisted 360 degrees.

No biggie...kids scream at night before bedtime. It helps them get rid of any excess energy before laying them down for the evening.

Except these screams were horrendous. It was as if I had just told him the Wayans Brothers were stopping by.

So we bathed him. We put him in the water and he screamed the scream of the undead.

A glass shattered in the cupboard. That's how loud his screams were.

He gets his bath, gets his little nightgown on and gets another stab at the boob.

He eats for about 30 minutes and passes out.

Thank God.

We put him down at 11 p.m.

11:05....WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Susie gets up to pat his ass, which is all we ever do to help him go to sleep.

He goes to sleep.

11:10...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Susie gets up again. Ass patting session. He goes to sleep.

11:20 ....WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Susie actually gets him up and goes to feed him AGAIN, because he only nursed on one side the last time.

He nurses...they both fall asleep in the recliner in the den.

She wakes up, lays him down at 4 a.m.

And it's the same mofo shit all over again.

Except now it's ME having to play Sir Patsassalot.

I got up four times between 4 and 4:30 a.m. this morning, patting that tiny little ass.

Finally, the fifth time I brought him into our room, laid him between the wife and I, patted that ass one more time and he's STILL asleep two hours later.

...With an evil little baby grin plastered across his face.

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Tried to watch "Any Given Sunday" last night.

Holy hell, that movie had a TON of stars in it.

But I couldn't hear a damned word those people said in that film. Too much cheering going on the entire time.

I kept asking Susie "Can you hear that?"

She said she could.

My hearing is going quicker than I could ever imagine.

All because of the thumping stereos that I had in all my cars.

People...kids...turn your music DOWN.

It's not worth being in your 30s and practically deaf.

Trust me.

Okay ... I'm not "practically deaf".

But damn...I sure as HELL couldn't hear that movie last night.

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There's a Men's Breakfast at the church in 45 minutes.

They actually CALLED me last night to remind me of it.

I've never gone to a men's breakfast. They take place on Sunday and quite frankly, I don't wanna get up, shower and drive to church to eat breakfast at 7:30 a.m. on a day off.

So when I go to church later this morning, I will be chastised and treated like a leper because I didn't go to Men's Breakfast.

I saw the menu for this month...scrambled eggs and grits.

I don't eat either one of those things.

I probably could eat them...I've just always chose not to.

I really should go. I really should go.

I really should go.

But I'm not going to.

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Got my hair cut yesterday.

I told Caren to cut it all down to about an inch long around my head.

She did that.

Now I look like a psychotic Amish guy.

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Got a new wallet yesterday too.

A few weeks ago I had misplaced my wallet. Couldn't find it anywhere.

I finally found it in the middle of our front yard the next morning...frozen stiff.

When it thawed out, it was pretty much ruined.

So I got a new wallet yesterday.

Goddamn...my life is full of exciting twists and turns like that, huh??

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I got pretty irritated with the Mrs. at the mall yesterday.

She is the world's SLOWEST person when having to push a cart or a stroller or ...or...whatever.

So she's pushing Andy around in his stroller at the mall.

...And doing it VERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY slowly.

I usually walk behind her as a buffer. So when people come up behind us at a normal pace, I can flag them around us because my wife is slow as Christmas.

Yesterday, we were in Dillard's (a southern department store) and she just stopped in heavy walking traffic FOR NO REASON.

The guy behind me slams into me.

I slam into Susie.

She turns around and gives me a stare.

And I barked "Keep moving! People are behind us and want to get past you."

So she got all pissed, took her hands off the stroller and said "You push, then."

And I pushed like a pregnant woman with triplets.

I left Susie choking on our dust as I led a barrage of shoppers through the department store at a brisk pace.

I think that's one of the things that irritates me most about my wife. When she has something to push, her brain freezes and she has no idea what she's doing.

God that irritates me.

Now I'm getting pissed. I'd better change the subject.

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I've got so much crap to do today.

After church, I have to make FOUR CDs for our secretary at work, who's throwing a party Saturday night.

She wants music to play that will make people dance, but she also wants dinner music.

This is not a problem. I can do this.

It's just a matter of FINDING TIME to do this.

I also have to write some FAQs for the show "Ed" for Mighty Big TV and have that turned in by Friday.

I'm going to try and start working on those today.

Something tells me that the sun will go down and I won't have started on either one.

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HEY!! Two of the funnier Diaryland people are back after long absences.

Actually ... both have been back a while...I just never get around to surfing the diaries like I used to.

Gawain and Pinch are back after extended vacations from the web.

Pinch is now out of Diaryland...but she's still funny as hell.

And Gawain makes me look like a choir boy with his potty mouth. Still, he's one goofy mofo and if you haven't checked him out yet, do so.

I'm done with this for today. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here when I'm praising Gawain.

Tee hee.

Alright...seriously...I'm outta here.

Y'all take care.