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20:51:54 - 2000-03-10

I'LL COME UP WITH A DAMNED TITLE LATER

So ummmm....hey...what's up??

Here's some irony for ya ... in my last entry, I spoke about all the people surrounding my wife who have died recently.

Chalk up another one to the running total.

The husband of one of the ladies in her choir died this morning. Apparently he had one of his legs amputated yesterday, died today.

How sucky is that?

He didn't even get to milk the amputated leg for any sympathy.

Alright ... alright...I'm going to hell for saying that. Sweetie ... I've already got a table for two in hell reserved...one more snide little comment ain't gonna make hell any hotter.

Actually ... I didn't know the guy, and truth be told, Susie BARELY knew him. But she does like his wife and we both feel bad for her.

Alright...show of hands...HOW MANY PEOPLE CAME TO VISIT UNCLE BOB ON A FRIDAY NIGHT TO READ ABOUT PEOPLE DYING????

Let's see...one...two...there's three...four, five...YOU?? I'd never peg you for a Friday night death freak...alright...six...seven.

You can all put your hands down now.

(Uncle Bob does his trademarked rolling of the eyes).

So ...whadda ya wanna talk about???

Whazzat??

ANOTHER sex story???

Who the hell do you think I am...Bob Guccione??

Alright....hmmmm...lemme see if I can pull something out of my ass....

(BRIGHT light bulb goes off over Uncle Bob's head and he gets a huge grin from ear to ear).

WHY I'VE NEVER ENJOYED ANAL SEX PERFORMED ON ME WITH A STRAP-ON DILDO

Okay ...that has never actually happened. I have had the random finger run amok and try to squirm its way up Bob's Big Bad Bunghole(tm) which made me totally freak out.

I want NOTHING up my ass other than the annual doctor's finger.

Strangely enough...the Dr. is the only one I don't wear Old Spice for. I always break out the Brut when it comes to winking the brown eye at the doc.

Actually ... that's only happened twice...having doctor's fingers jammed up my ass. One time was during an exam when I had been peeing blood (diagnosis: bladder infection...ouchie motherfucker).

The other time was to fish a dead gerbil out.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Hickory Dickory Dock, yo bitch come suck my ...

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.

Jack came down with a big assed grin and Jill had semen drippin off her chin.....

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

....Correct me if I'm wrong here...but my cyber impression of Andrew "Dice" Clay ranks with the best of 'em, don't you think??

To sum up the previous discussion: Unless you are my doctor, please keep your hands, sex toys, long, slender fruit and vegetables, dogs, pretzel rods, curtain rods and sexy gals with sexy bods away from my fucking ass.

And please don't take "fucking ass" literally.

So...just now on Greed the question was "How many letters are in the word "Supercalifragilisticxpialidocious"

I knew the answer was 32. Although...I have 33 letters above ... I've known since I was a kid it was 32.

It was one of those useless pieces of trivia I kept in my head.

Did you know that there's a postage stamp that honors porn star John Holmes?

Did you know that you could survive for a year, solely off the bodily fluids from your dog?

Did you know that there's a section of the brain that is rarely used that would cause a person to fall in love with a man simply through reading his daily diary?

*cough*

Well?? Did you???

Did you know, that if you go to a party, and attempt to entertain everyone with your boring trivia facts that eventually, someone will physically harm you while the others cheer on your thrashing?

Let that be a lesson to you.

You know...Friday night and all. I'm by myself ... you're by yourself...

Howza 'bout a lil' cyber smoochin??

Coo'!

Mmmmmmmmmwaaah, smoooch, slobber, smoooch, probe, probe, wrestle, pin, hold down, drool, gag, choke, heave, stop, catch your breath, mmmmmmmmmmwah, smooch, slobber, smooch, probe, probe, probe, probe....

Ewwww....anybody got any Windex and a paper towel??

Oh...you may have noticed ... the original hit whore has dropped two of the three counters and gone back to whatever the hell that counter is down below. I ended up picking that one because it inflates the hit numbers significantly more than the other two. The other two would say I had 140 hits...this one said 200.

Hit whore say...go with 200.

Ladies and gentlemen...yet another of my many cyber impressions....that was "Tonto" from "The Lone Ranger".

Thank you once again, let's have a big hand for our featured act Harry P. Ness and our headliner Mr. Shecky Leibowitz!!! I'm Uncle Bob, I've been your host tonight...drive carefully, tip the waitresses ... somebody has to help support those coke habits.

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