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6:57 a.m. - 2001-09-22

THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER

Alright then...it's finally official.

I have Type II Diabetes.

EVEN THE DOCTOR didn't tell me...he just kept saying "We'll have to put you on a strict diet, blah blah blah, because diabetics need blah blah blah."

So finally, I said..."So ...I HAVE Diabetes??"

He's like "Yes."

I wanted to break down and cry right there. Although it would have been an extremely fake and overly dramatic cry and he probably would have figured it out fairly quickly that I was faking it and gotten pissed at me and possibly yelled at me.

So I said "What does this mean?"

In a nutshell...I could die if I keep eating like a man possessed.

So...I've gotta cut back on the eating a bit. A bunch. A lot.

No more Cokes.

Not even one??

None.

C'mon...one a day...

You wanna die?

No.

Then you will never drink another Coca Cola again.

Gawdammit.

How about cookies? Candy bars? You're not going to take away my ice cream...right?

Yes. Those are now poison. P-O-I-S-O-N.

Well, ain't this fucking great.

I tried to explain to the doctor...my current diet consists of cookies and Coke for breakfast...and then Cokes all day punctuated with the occasional candy bar. If I don't follow THAT diet...I could die.

He snickered. Which made me hungry for a Snickers.

So...I haven't had a Coke in 48 hours now and my head is splitting. No chocolate either, but that's okay...I can probably crawl over the chocolate hump.

I'm 75 lbs. overweight. I have been given a year to get rid of those 75 lbs. Once I lose that weight, chances are very good that the diabetes will go away.

Yes.

The diabetes can go away. I CAN beat this.

I WILL beat this.

So today, I get to eat one egg and some water.

Tomorrow, an egg, a green onion and some water.

Monday, an egg, a tablespoon of peanut butter, a green onion and some water.

Tuesday, I have to fast.

Wednesday, an egg, some tree bark, water and as much toilet tissue as I want (toilet tissue is extremely low in fat).

Thursday I fast in order to work off the toilet tissue.

Friday, as many damned Cokes and Candy bars as I can eat because I won't give two craps or not if I'm going to die, I AIN'T EATING ANY MORE FREAKIN' TOILET PAPER!!!!!

Seriously, I recognize the importance of doing what the doctor says and I consider this a wake-up call for life.

As warped as it is, I'm kinda glad I've got this. Granted, I'm going to miss my old eating habits, but it won't be THAT bad.

Last night we went to my favorite steak house. On this new diet, I'm allowed four oz. of meat at dinner.

Four freaking ounces.

Usually, I order a 20 oz. T-bone at my steak house.

Last night, I ordered the five oz. filet mignon and a baked potato with nothing and low calorie dressing on my salad.

I ate it all up.

And was almost full.

I couldn't believe it.

So ... ya know...this isn't going to be so bad.

And the end result? I'll feel better, I'll look damned sexy and have to be fighting off elderly women on a daily basis, and I'll beat this thing and shock the world.

And I'll be able to watch my son grow up.


How about that telethon last night?

I was pretty impressed. It was strange...with no applause or a bloated Jerry Lewis slobbering all over the camera...but still pretty impressed.

I didn't care for Limp Biskit destroying Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here". But then again...what song would they play? "Nookie" just really didn't fit the program.

I actually liked the Dixie Chicks but you'll never get me to admit to that again.

And there was some guy...I have no idea who he was or what band it was...but they sang some song about a hero...the guy came close to breaking down a few times...he had a great voice...I woulda sworn it was Mark Anthony or Three Doors Down or something like that. If you know who it was, leave me a message on the message board. Tanks.

When Wyclef Jean came on, I told Susie that if my parents were watching, they just turned it off.

Willie Nelson dragging out America the Beautiful for like 30 minutes was pretty good even though it dragged on.

All in all, a good show. Even Mariah Carey held it together long enough to finish her song and not start licking the walls or anything stupid.

I'm outta here. The wife's cooking my egg and I'm salivating all over the keyboard.

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