CHAT ROOMS, NEW JOBS, DIETS AND CANCER

As I sit here ... staring at a blank screen ... well...it's not EXACTLY blank ... the girl from Confruzzled is staring back at me via her banner ad at the top of the page, reminding me that if I click on HER banner, it will take me to a diary that is guaranteed to rock my socks. She says she's no friggin' buddhist, but her diary is "enlightenment".

Oh what the hell. I'm clicking on her. I need some damned enlightenment. Be right back.

Color me enlightened. Confruzzled says that the Diaryland chat room rocks.

I haven't been in there in ages. The last time I went in there, I was incognito and some of the Diaryland elite didn't like the game I was playing and asked to be stricken from my Army immediately. Sorta like if their names stayed in the Army list any longer ... they was go' DIE!!!

EEEEK!!! Remove my name at once, Uncle Bob!! I cannot condone you coming into the Diaryland chat room with a different name!!!

The game I was playing?? Just being incognito, dude. That was it.

Oddly enough, while in the chat room, the topic of the conversation (without my help) turned to Uncle Bob. One gal said she didn't "get" me and I had a laugh about it here the next day at her expense. She knew I was playing and was cool with it.

That's when the trouble started. And it was right around the same time I decided I had no business going in the Diaryland chat room because it was full of people who take shit WAYYYY too seriously.

There's my take on the Diaryland chat room.

That's why I stay out of all chat rooms. While the majority of people in chat rooms are cool, there's that lunatic fringe that confuse chat rooms with real life. The ones who get pissed about the littlest of things. I always liked chat rooms because I could just loosen up and have fun.

Uh-uh.

Don't come in this chat room looking to have fun,Buster. We take things SERIOUSLY in this chat room.

Hey ... the world is serious enough. Chat rooms should be fun.

Sadly...to me anyway ... they just aren't. Inevitably, feelings are hurt and dumbasses make the mistake of taking shit seriously.

Is it obvious I had a boring day yesterday and have little to talk about???

Well ... I DID have a few job propositions lobbed my way yesterday.

One is top secret. It concerns a certain successful website that a certain friend of mine is probably going to buy the rights to and he wants a certain Uncle Bob to help provide copy for this certain website.

I said I'd do it. You know...if you pay me.

These days, this diary is the only thing I write free of charge. Everything else ... pay my ass or we ain't talkin'.

And my buddy's paying.

So I'm writing.

Then...I get back to the office and my sports editor runs the idea by me of doing a local humorous newspaper.

Back in the 90s, in these parts anyway, there was a newspaper called "The Bull". It had all those jokes and cartoons that people send you via email now. I haven't seen one in years and that's probably because ...as I just stated ... you can get all that stuff in email now for free, rather than paying 75 cents for it all to be neatly wrapped in a newspaper format.

The sports editor wants to bring back The Bull.

I'm not sure how it would fly. When I was doing stand-up comedy in the mid-80s, this town would NOT support comedy clubs. They'd pop up and just as quickly go under.

Granted ... that may be because they had to rely on me to do comedy. Maybe THAT'S why they failed so quickly.

(sigh)

Anyway ... we're going to look into it.

Oh wow ... in my moment of glory yesterday, I forgot to thank the one person who deserved it the most.

Thanks to Cat for nominating my dumb ass for the award. If it hadn't been for her, I wouldn't have been able to come off like an egotistical old man, hell bent on beating the crap out of his peers all for the glory of seeing the sentence "UNCLE BOB WINS!" typed on another person's diary.

You know...when you put it that way ... the whole thing seems rather silly, don't you think?

Regardless...thanks Cat. You rock.

I worked on my letter that I will be sending out, asking people to support me in the Biggest Rat in Town campaign.

Man ... this is tough.

Originally, I wanted the letter to reflect me and my warped sense of humor.

However ... we're dealing with cancer here. Not exactly the type of material that screams "LAUGHS-A-PLENTY!!!"

So I tried to write it seriously. Doing that made me come off all sappy and fake.

So I'm stuck. I REALLY have to work on it today and get it completed. It doesn't have to be "War and Peace" ... it's just a freakin' letter. The shorter, the better.

Maybe I should go this route:

Dear friends,

Send me money so cancer will go away.

Bad, bad cancer.

Your friend,

Uncle Bob

What would be cool is if I cut out every letter from a magazine so it looked like a ransom note.

Yeah.

That sure would be cool, alright.

Went to Steak 'n' Shake for lunch yesterday with Mattie Gee and my boy Eddie Lavoie.

Did I eat my usual double steakburger with fries and chili and a vanilla shake?

Nope.

Did I eat a salad?

Yep.

Do I have that Subway song about Jared running through my head every time I eat now?

Damned skippy, I do.

I got four hours of sleep last night.

I stayed up until 1 a.m. after writing my "Ed" recap for Mighty Big TV last night.

For the first time in months, I wrote the entire recap in one night right after the show while it was fresh.

Between preparing for the Biggest rat kickoff on Monday, preparing for the newspaper for next week, having my sister and boyfriend as house guests this weekend and church meetings all day Sunday ... last night was the only time that I had free to write.

Would somebody PLEASE feel sorry for me???

Pretty please???

Wow.

Can you believe you voted for this shit as representation of your "favorite personality" on Diaryland?

Trust me...I'm hanging my head low.

I've got the local morning news show in the background behind me since Andy hasn't woken up yet to demand to watch "Roly Poly Olie".

It seems that every single charitable organization has stuff going on in April.

So far this morning, I'm competing against child abuse, clothes for the homeless and halitosis.

Christ.

I'll be lucky to raise ten bucks for this Biggest Rat deal.

That's it kids. I have just come to the realization that I'm not worth a shit when I've only had four hours of sleep after writing an Ed recap full of yuks and gags.

Forgive me. I should have a pretty exciting day today and I promise to get assloads of sleep tonight.

Smoochie woochies!

MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

BARENAKED LADIES "Break Your Heart"

I have a feeling many of you already have this song in your collection, but to those who don't ... download it NOW!! This is one of the few songs that brings a tear to my eye every time I hear it. It's heart-wrenching and sooo powerful toward the end. Of course, the live version from "Rock Spectacle" is much more powerful than the studio version, but both versions tear me up. Grab it today.

Uncle Bob endorses Audio Galaxy for all your MP3 download needs. Although it's confusing at first, once you've downloaded a few songs, you'll forget all about Napster.