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5:16 a.m. - 2001-05-08

DING DONG THE MOUSE IS DEAD

The mouse is dead (DEAD, DEAd, DEad, Dead, dead ... dead...).

I can now sleep peacefully.

Yesterday morning, when I woke up, I went and checked the mousetrap and he wasn't dead. I figured out the reason why ... Susie barely put any cheese in the mousetrap.

So when she woke up, I chastised her for not putting enough cheese on the mousetrap.

She checked it and said "I put PLENTY of cheese on there. He's a tricky mouse ... he ate the cheese without getting caught."

Okay...this made me REAL squeamish. Not only was I dealing with a mouse, but I was dealing with a SMART mouse.

So last night, I told her to set TWO traps, covered in cheese. We were going to CATCH this bastard, dammit.

About 11:30 last night, I could swear I heard a snap and a loud pitched squeal. It was either a mouse got caught or Andy got his neck stuck in his crib. Since I was already asleep, I figured whatever it was could wait until morning.

Got up at 4:30 a.m. Andy was on his pudgy little 17-lb belly fast asleep.

And there was a little white mouse in the trap with dried blood everywhere.

I did my victory dance, wadded up an entire roll of paper towels, and went to pick him up.

I turned him around so that I could see his face.

Ewwww.

Half of his face was missing and in its place was a big dried blood spot. His one eye was bugged out and staring straight at me.

"Shouldn't have fucked with me, Mr. Mouse," I sneered quietly at the lifeless rodent in my hands. "I have a wife who isn't scared of your ass. Looks like you picked the wrong house to scurry into, you fuck."

I took him outside and put him in the trash can.

Fucking mouse.

I scrubbed the hell out of the area with Clorox and an SOS pad.

I'm leaving the other mouse trap out for a few days, just to see if there are any more mice in this house.

If there are ... we're moving.

I ain't gonna be like that family in "Poltergeist" who stuck around to see what's gonna happen next. Gimme two fucking mice and the house is on the market, dude.


Kind of an uninteresting day yesterday.

I went up to this place, the blankety-blank Gardens, to take some pictures of some local students participating in some sort of wack-assed Olympic game stuff.

The Gardens are a beautiful place, located on a small mountain about ten miles north of here. Lotsa flowers, trails, woods, ummmmmm...space.

I'm not usually the type of guy to gasp and go "Oh, what a beautiful area!"

I still didn't. But it is a nice little dealio.

Anyway...I get there and the kids are done with their Olympic games and are now putting on some sort of bizarre play in the ampitheatre there.

Granted, I walked in on the play during the last five minutes. But from what I could tell, they were all high on acid and killing each other with magic wands.

After the play ended and everyone gave these deadbeats applause, I tracked down the lady in charge and asked her if the kids would be doing any more Olympic games because that's what I was there for, to take pics of them throwing shot puts and shit.

Nope.

So I asked the lady if she happened to take any pictures I could run in the paper.

Yep.

Awesome.

So I walked around the garden some more and took a few pictures for stock file purposes and then left.

Stopped at the store to buy some chicken and saw that Lays has some new potato chips ... Bistro Gourmet crap.

I bought the garlic and herb potato chips.

They're alright. You won't see my ass doing a commercial for them anytime soon though. If I did, it'd go like this:

(SCENE: Uncle Bob sitting at a table, eating some Bistro Gourmet Potato Chips.)

UNCLE BOB: These things are alright. Nothing to write home about.

(CHOMP!)

UNCLE BOB: Yeah. They're okay.

I mean...that'd be it, dude.


We all know I'm a big softie ... right?

I mean...I talk lots of shit here, but deep down, I'm a real wuss ...correct??

So I find this site yesterday...Dad Mag, which has all kindsa stuff for Dads on the site.

I clicked on the "New Dads" section and started reading this article about "The Top Ten Surprises of Fatherhood".

And I just started weeping like a punk assed bitch.

I love my baby boy sooooooo much. He's the most wonderful baby in the world. And to be reading this thing that talked about an "all-consuming love" for your child ... man...it just choked me up.

He's sitting up all by himself now and just griiiins from ear to ear when he's doing it. I shove all these toys in front of him and he takes turns trying to eat each of them.

I hear that parenthood gets even better with time, but I sure don't see how.

I just went and checked on him in his crib ... sound asleep.

Oh...yesterday I went to wake him up in the morning and it was so cute.

I call him "Sparky". Don't ask me why...I've been doing it for months.

Anyway, I went in his room and leaned over his crib and started whispering "Sparrrrrkyyyyyyy".

And in his sleep he started grinning. His eyes were closed, but his mouth just curled up into a smile as he listened to me call his nickname.

So I kept doing it. Everytime I whispered "Sparky" his grin got even bigger.

Finally I picked him up and hugged him to my chest and he just smiled as he rubbed his eyes and tried to wake up.

I highly recommend children.


That's it...OH WAIT...THAT'S NOT IT!!!!

We begged hard enough and MY GIRL is back!!!

She really DID wanna leave, y'all. But she came back to please us lunatic fringe.

Color me relieved.

Two days without Anenigma is like two days without water.

Except I wasn't as thirsty without Anenigma.

But I still missed her big time.

BIG HUG!!!

That is all. Go do whatever you were going to do before you came here.

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