I HAVE A DIRTY MIND AND FRESH BREATH

I have discovered the one product that will define all that is good in Western Civilization for several decades to come.

They're called "Cool Mint Listerine PocketPaks". They're Oral Care Strips. And they rock my world like a naked woman covered in chocolate and peanut butter.

You take one out of the handy PocketPack and put it on your tongue. Within seconds it dissolves and leaves your mouth as refreshing as a warm saliva enema.

God bless these little transparent tissues. My sinuses are so clear right now you can look up my nose and see my brain. And my breath is as fresh as a widowed supervisor.

It's getting dark outside. Bad storms be headin' our way.

They were supposed to already be here, but they're taking their sweet assed time getting here.

I'm sure in an hour ... once rush hour starts, it'll be raining buckets outside.

And I'll be dodging drunken rednecks with no insurance all the way home.

I saw something last night that really pissed me off.

Our local mall, the more upscale of the two malls in town, recently did a complete renovation of the entire mall.

Instead of wooden benches in the mall, they now have fine Corinthian leather sofas and chairs set up conveniently around the mall.

The image that they're trying to present is "We don't have gang members and thug wannabes hanging out at our mall, harassing our older clientele and threatening local geeks with bodily harm. We're the nice mall."

Already...a month after these renovations took place...some thug prick sissy boy took a knife to one of the sofas and slit a long hole in its cushion.

If these morons wanna be so bad ass and tough and tear up rich people's furniture...well....uhhhhh...don't, dammit! You're pissing me off.

I've always said...round up all the gang bangers and troublemakers and put them all either on an island or an abandoned prison and let them all kill each other dead since they obviously have no respect for anybody or anything but themselves and their fancy FUBU shirts.

Pricks.

I think I'm going to stop on my way home and get my hair cut.

I always hate the first week after getting my hair cut. I look like an accountant who's trying to look like an original gangsta.

I always ...ALWAYS attempt to look youthful at least once with my new hairdo by putting gel in it and spiking it one time. I always then show up at work and deflect any ridicule with the phrase "I got up late and had no time to fix my hair".

Some people now anticipate hearing that line. I always catch such flack about my stupid spiked hairdo that the next day it's always back to normal.

And I always promise myself "I'm never spiking my hair and going to work again!"

And I always do.

Because I'm an idiot.

What other excuse do I have?

Okay...it's 4:14 p.m. and REALLY getting dark out.

I turned out my office overhead lights and switched on a lamp in here so that it's even darker in my office.

A lady that I never really speak to walked past just now and noticed how dark it was in here and commented on it.

I almost said "It's nice to know that I've been here five months and you've never said more than "Huh" to me and the simple solution to have you engaged in a conversation with me was to simply turn on a lamp during the last 45 minutes of the day."

But I didn't. I smiled and made conversation with her about the weather.

She walked away and I could hear her mutter "Fuckin' tool" under her breath.

Not really. I just wanted to type that.

I'm weird that way.

I'm eating these Listerine strips like candy now. I've eaten five of them since I started this entry.

I think this is going to be my new nervous habit. Like how some people smoke or chew gum or pick their ass. I'm going to eat Listerine Oral Care Strips.

Who would argue with such a habit?

I have no idea what I'm going to cook for dinner tonight.

I haven't cooked dinner in several evenings now. Monday we had McDonald's. Tuesday a can of soup. Last night we went out. Tomorrow night we're going out of town for about 24 hours to an undisclosed location that I'm not at liberty to talk about right now.

So tonight, I need to cook. I just have no idea what.

Gawd. Evil boss Wendigo was right. There are sometimes when my afternoon updates suck snake shit.

I think entries like this one is what she was talking about.