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5:43 a.m. - 2002-01-04

CALLING ALL DOGGY KILLAZ

So somebody killed Bill Clinton's dog Buddy.

How would you like THAT on your conscience?

"I killed Buddy. You know...the former first dog? Yep. He ran out in front of me and before I knew it, I was plucking incisors out of my grill. Scraping dog eyes off my hood with a spackler. I murdered the poor bastard."

I bet Bill just totally freaked. That dog was the only living thing that stood by him for the last several years. Even Chelsea distanced herself from him for a while during the whole "Intern Screw-a-thon" scandal.

I had a dog die in a hit and run when I was a kid. Mom was scared to death to tell me about it, but as a kid it was tough for me to get attached to a dog. I think I was emotionally distant growing up. So when she told me that Freckles had died and gone to Heaven, I shrugged and went to the living room to watch Rocky and Bullwinkle.

I remember they buried Freckles in the backyard in a frozen turkey box. I watched from inside because it was too cold out for me. I watched Dad dig a hole for a while and got bored with it so I went to my room to play. A few minutes later I looked outside and Dad was finishing putting the dirt back into the ground.

Bye Freckles. Hope you don't get hit by a car in Heaven.

These days, I'd PAY somebody to run over my dog. At least it'd get rid of the cancerous dog ass stench in my house and my son could finally eat his food without the dog snatching everything out of his hand and turning each meal into a crying fest.

I know you don't believe me because you're predisposed to not believe a stinking word I write here (my own fault ... it's a blessing and a curse). But, thanks to my gold membership...here's proof.

You see how happy the kid looks? You see where the dog is? With her head buried under his chair just waiting for something to fall or for him to put his hand full of chicken nuggets near her?

Okay. Here's a minute later.

Okay. Granted he's now eating a peanut butter sandwich on pita bread. And his clothes are different. And he looks about 12 days younger than the other picture.

But you HAVE to believe me. This was like a minute later after the dog viciously snatched the chicken nugget out of my boy's tiny, frail fist. There was an unusual warm snap travelling through the house that made us change the kid midway through the meal. And..and...and...he specifically asked for peanut butter after the chicken nugget was ripped from his hand. And...and...and the kid can change in age really quick like. I mean...he's good at that.

So there you have it. Solid proof that my dog needs to die.

If any of you out there are doggy terminators, we need to talk. I'll pay up to $10 for you to come to my house and take my dog out back and put a bullet through her stinky ass.

As they say on Ebay...serious inquiries only.


I found an old Rolling Stone last night that had the Top 100 Pop Songs of All Time as designated by Rolling Stone and MTV.

So I started thinking to myself..."Hmmm. Do I smell a five-disc homemade box set?"

Actually, it was my dog's ass that I smelled. But I thought it might be a cool idea to make the box set thingie.

BTW...is it "Box Set" or "Boxed Set"?

Is there such a word as "Boxed"?

How about "Creppuldorn"?

"Smegma"?

So anyway...I downloaded the first 64 songs last night.I need to get the last batch downloaded today.

There's a buncha crap in the list. A lot of Madonna stuff. I'm not a big fan of the 'Donna. I liked "Music". But that was about it, and it's not on the list.

I figure this will make a good set for the ladies in my life. My nieces will like it. My Mom may even like it too...I know...that's a stretch since my Mom doesn't like anything. I don't know what I was thinking.

I think I'll go work on that stuff now since I have little to talk about today.

Oh..."Survivor" last night. For those of you who haven't seen it, I won't say who was kicked off. But I'm GLAD they were kicked off after the shenanigans at the end of the episode where they tried to get one of my favorites voted off. I wanted to lay the smackdown on their candy ass after they tried to sway everyone against that person.

There. A completely vague paragraph.

Like you've never seen one of THOSE on these pages before.

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