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06:23:11 - 2000-03-23

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF DOG MAN

Last night, Susie and I went to Applebee's for dinner because of its wide array of delicious foods, friendly service and great prices.

Applebee's ... where America calls home. Just don't crash out in a booth smoking a doobie in your boxers. The management draws a fine line on what they consider to be "home".

...Trust me...

...Anywhoo...this particular Applebee's is in our local mall, and we were FORTUNATE enough to get a table by the window.

HOSTESS: "Welcome to Applebee's! What is your smoking preference?"

ME: "Weed."

HOSTESS: "Excuse me??"

ME: "Non-smoking."

HOSTESS: "Would you like a table by the window? Those are our most requested tables!"

ME: "I don't give a shit, goth-girl wannabe...just gimme a fuckin' steak."

I didn't really say that, but it didn't matter to me. As long as Granny wasn't blowing her lung dust all over my food, you could put me in the fuckin' bathroom for all I cared.

So anyway, we're sitting by the window and I happen to notice an old man standing right outside the mall entrance on the sidewalk.

He's dressed nicely, for an old man in Alabama ... meaning he wasn't covered in drool and shit from head to toe. He was wearing those paper thin vinyl sweat suits that my Mom loves to wear. The kind that make more noise than a jackhammer when they walk, but they make the old folks look "hip".

He was one swingin' cat, daddy-o.

The old man had a little white dog in his arms. From a distance it looked cute, but it would never win the Uncle Bob-Approved Stamp of Dog Approval Stamp Thingie Stamp Award(TM).

For some odd reason ... this man was standing outside the doors to the mall and stopping people as they went in.

At first, I thought it was people stopping to pet the little white mongrel.

Then I noticed they were avoiding eye contact with him, like he was a Salvation Army Bell Ringer.

So...the Adventures of Dog Man began.

I watched as he would approach people and they would talk to him for a second and then leave.

I made up a dialogue to go with his actions, solely for the wife's bemusement.

DOG MAN: "Would you like to pet my dog?"

MAN: "No thanks."

DOG MAN: "Would you like to kiss it for good luck?"

MAN: "Uhhhh....no."

+++++++++++

DOG MAN: "Excuse me, Miss...my wife and I need money to eat at Applebee's because Social Security ain't what it used to be. Would you like to buy my dog for thirty bucks?"

LADY: "Uhhhhh....no."

+++++++++++

DOG MAN: "Hey meester...gimme ten bucks and I'll let you see the dog's ass..."

MAN: "Uhhhhhh....no."

++++++++++++

DOG MAN: "Touch my puppet."

LITTLE GIRL: "Uhhhhhhh....no"

+++++++++++

It went on and on...

I think you get the idea here, don't you?

And that is...

...I am one annoying bastard to go out to eat with.

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