DO WE REALLY NEED A FAKE DIARY FROM DON KNOTTS?

So ... I woke up at 3:45 a.m. after suffering through a horrible dream.

I dreamt that I was at work, and I just COULDN'T get anything typed in. Mainly because most of the keys on my keyboard were gone, but there was also the distraction of several women who kept asking me to dance while I tried to work.

There was no music playing so I guess they just wanted to do the Horizontal Bop.

(Screw)

So here I sit...4:15 a.m. wondering what the hell I should type about.

I had the WORST case of writer's block yesterday.

"What's the WORST case," you ask as you pick your nose and talk to your monitor like it's going to answer you?

Well, my dim-witted little friend ... the WORST case is when NOTHING comes out.

Zilch.

Luckily for me, I have a reservoir of old columns and columns that never ran, so I can just dip in there and pull something out when this happens.

BUT ... I also have two feature stories I need to write ... both on extremely boring subjects.

I couldn't write those either.

So I've come up with a plan.

(Bob claps his hands together and cackles fiendishly)

I'm going to go in to work early and try to write the last two stories.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

....Oh fuck you, it's 4:20 a.m. YOU do better.

4:20.

And I don't smoke weed anymore.

How sad is this??

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Alright ... by now...you KNOW me.

Or you know Uncle Bob. Which ... is basically me.

I DON'T like to hurt people's feelings to their face. I'm just not that way.

I can prattle on and on about people that will never ever see this site and how much they disgust me.

But I try not to embarrass those who may read this.

Today that little quirk of mine takes a long, overdue vacation.

Because it's time to talk about...

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These fake celebrity diaries.

You know the ones. The ones PRETENDING to be someone famous that does nothing more than besmirch their good name.

I think it started with Brad Pitt.

That was cute. Many people thought automatically that since it was written an awful lot like the way I wrote that I was the feeble mastermind behind it.

Others delved a little bit further and saw that Brad and I shared the same IP address.

Mere coincidence.

*cough*

I mean...I don't know much about computers ... but can't two diaries share the same IP address?

They can...right??

(Bob sweats nervously)

Anyway...Brad was cute. Personally ... I thought he wore out his welcome long ago, but he's got a decent little fan base that has extended way beyond Diaryland, including a stint on the popular Australian web radio showBig Fat Radio, which I know Brad himself is too proud to plug so I will plug it ad nauseum... so more power to him.

THEN...

And maybe I'm stepping on toes of people who I really like here, so I apologize ahead of time, but how was I supposed to know you were the crippled mastermind behind these ideas...

The celebrity diaries started FLYING.

Batman's Secret Diary came out. That's one that I thought was well written and witty.

THEN the flood gates opened.

Little known diaries that never made it past one entry tried to cash in on the Brad Pitt Phenomenon.

Yes ... when over 60,000 people have read that diary ... I consider that a phenomenon.

Diaries like Willard Scott ,The REAL Brad Pitt, Emilio Estevez , Christian Slater and at least THREE Jennifer Anniston diaries popped up.

Now, we've entered the Teen Queen era. They're members of the Army, so they're not hard to find.

At least the Teen Queens leave Brad Pitt alone and try to skew a younger audience.

Everyone has a right to do what they want with their diaries, even if that means they put a fake one out there.

You know...like this one. Uncle Bob's as fake as silicone boobies.

Personally, I think the fake Hollywood diaries have ummmm...gotten stale.

You may love them, and lots of people do.

That's the cool thing about Diaryland...there's plenty of room for originality. If you don't want to write about your life, use the web space to devote to other original ideas like Whores or Survivor. Those two took the concept of Diaryland and twisted it into different ways to use the service.

A generous pat on the back to Meg and ummmmm...whoever came up with Whores.

*grin*

But the key word here is "original".

ORIGINAL.

If you REALLY want to be revered by your peers, BE ORIGINAL.

ORIGINAL works.

Look at Brad. He was the first one to skew Hollywood in Diaryland.

He's treated like...like....like me with a much firmer ass.

These are just my thoughts at 5 a.m. in the morning. I didn't mean to offend any of the people behind the fake diaries and apologize if I did.

...I'm just trying to stop the madness before I have to add a Backstreet Boy diary to the Army.

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And even though you've probably already noticed the change, Bob (no relation) has had to move the Analyzer site because it proved to be even more popular than he originally imagined, or something like that.

Go there now and sign your diary up. I guarantee you ... if you want people to notice your diary, it's a great place to start.

Bob rocks, baby.

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

What's Your Opinion on Fake Diaries and Whose Fake Diary Would You Like To See?