UNCLE BOB'S DREAM WORLD COLLAPSES

Yesterday was one f'd up day.

I woke up with eyes a'fire. They burned, burned, burned.

I took my medicines, got this here diary caught up and went back to bed.

Although I officially had the day off, I knew I had to heed the doctor's orders and get out on the streets to do a million and one things.

A friend of mine had said her students had raised "several hundred dollars" for my campaign and I had to go pick that up.

Several hundred bucks. Man...that was toooo sweet.

I got there.

Got the envelope.

$80.

Not several hundred.

$80.

Granted...every dollar counts and I'll accept anything. But when someone tells you "I'm going to give you several hundred dollars" and gets your hopes up like that, $80 is downright disappointing.

Ah well...I can't bitch.

...Yet...

I stop by the office to see if there's anyone available to help me hang up posters around town. They take half, I take half.

Nope.

Nobody can help out The Bronchitis Kid.

So then I go to Kinko's to make copies of the posters. Some guy sets me up on a machine and I decide I'll make 20 posters.

I copied 20 posters.

I go to pay for them, pulling out a $20.

Heyyyyy Bronchitis Kid! Put that $20 back in your wallet ... this is $41.57 worth of posters here!!!

I about shit my pants. Mainly because I was sick, but also because of the price.

I paid the guy reluctantly and mentioned they should hang their prices up where people can see them rather than people make copies and THEN find out how much they owe.

He said he'd mention it to the boss.

I left with the giddiness of knowing I may have had a hand in the changing of a longtime business policy.

I stop by my little used music store place to talk to my buddy Keith. I was perusing the used DVD section when what do I see??

"The Tigger Movie".

Well, by God...my boy just HAS to have that! He's six months old now...it's time he started getting all the Disney flicks!

So I bought him that and left.

Went and hung up my posters. My fever started rising and by the time I got to one restaurant, I was just POURING sweat out of my head.

It was quite embarrassing.

I go home and TRY to take a nap, but Grandma's watching Andy and by God...she wants to tell me EVERYTHING Andy's been doing for the last four hours.

"He sat up and just griiiiiinned!!"

"Yes Granny, I've seen that...I REALLY need a nap."

"Then we read a booooook. Can you tell Daddy what book we read, Andrewwwwwww?"

"No Grandma, he can't. He can make high pitched squeals, but nothing that would resemble 'The Cat In The Fucking Hat'."

Finally, she shut up long enough to where I could say "I've GOT to lay down."

She then has a message for me .... Brian can't make it tonight. He had other plans.

Okay. That means I have seven people doing Hit Night instead of eight. I can handle that.

But just to be on the safe side, I call up my boy Eddie Lavoie and ask him if he's going to be doing it tonight.

Ummmmm...no. Eddie's doing it tomorrow night.

That's fine. I have six people. I can do it with six people.

So I laid down.

Woke up at 4:30. I had to be back at the office to pick everyone up at 5.

I threw my gangster outfit on, grabbed everything I could think of that I needed for the evening and busted ass out the door.

Got to the office at 5.

New Boy says he can't do Hit Night tonight either. He said he had some important PTA meeting to go to. It was an EMERGENCY PTA meeting...on a Friday night. Yeppers.

Okay...down to five people. Five people. I can do this with five people. It might be a little tough, but it can be done.

Drunk-Assed Jamie(TM) wasn't there.

So we waited until 5:30 when he finally showed up. He REALLY didn't want to do this tonight and let me know that.

"You're sick as a dog," he says. "And this is going to suck with just five people doing it."

"Here's the deal," I said. "Against doctor's orders, I didn't stay in bed today because I KNEW we had to do this tonight. I've busted my ass all by myself today to get posters made, hang them up, pick up money and bullhorns and shoes and hats so we could do this tonight."

The phone rings in the office.

It's Susie. She's calling to tell me that my favorite Italian place called my house and told me they didn't want to participate in Hit Night because "their customers" said it was in bad taste.

That sorta hurt my feelings. I didn't come up with the concept by any means ... but when I spoke to the manager there, he seemed really enthusiastic about it and was looking forward to it.

I get the feeling his wife didn't appreciate it.

So I get Lynn and Drunk-Assed Jamie(TM) and me in the van and we go to pick up the last two girls, who work for my veterinarian.

We're supposed to pick them up at 6:30.

We get there at 6:29. One of the girls walks over to the van and says they can't do it ... they've had a dog emergency at the local lake.

I just grin a tired grin.

There's NO WAY we can do this with three people. No f'n way.

So I cancelled Hit Night for last night.

I drove Jamie and Lynn back to the office to their cars.

As I was backing out of the driveway IN SUSIE'S VAN, I hit an electric pole that's just inches from the office's driveway.

I heard a crunch.

Got out. It's not TOO BAD, but it did push in the side of the van and scraped some paint off.

Sonofabitch.

I drove home, feeling ill, pissed off and not in the mood to be chastised for driving recklessly by my wife.

Got home and showed her the van. She was actually cool with it. She said "Oh well" and that it could be fixed.

Thank God.

I took my medicines which I don't think are doing me ANY good because I seriously don't think I have bronchitis because I haven't coughed all week.

And I passed out by 9 p.m.

All night long, I kept dreaming the same dream that I've been having the last few nights. And that's that Hit Night was going to be a flop and I had to come up with a solution to fix it.

I thought of four girls last night I can call. They're girlfriends and wives of friends of mine who are going to be sitting at home while their men are working.

I've done favors for all of them. I've watched their pets, I've loaned them my lawnmower, I've given them furniture for their apartments.

These girls OWE me.

If I have four attractive young girls robbing with me ... I think I can make some money.

Now I've just gotta call 'em.

Not RIGHT now...later today.

Oh...and I found out that one of my competitors raised $11,000.

I've got $8,200.

Even if I bust my ass with a fever from hell, I'm still not going to win.

Ah well. I'd chalk it up as just being fun, but it's no fun doing this when you're sick as hell.

Trust me.

I know.