current entry older entries message board contact
6:30 a.m. - Rocktober 7,2000

WET OLD LADIES AND DROOLING LITTLE BABIES

How can I be so tired AND sooooo good looking???

....The world may never know...

Alright...time to lay the smack down on your candy ass. Lean in and suck up all you can.

Had the fashion show yesterday. It went well for me ... sucked for others.

I was the fourth one to get on the catwalk. I like that because I can get it done, change, and be back at work before the fashion show is even over.

The show was held outside.

The skies were BLACK at 9 a.m.

The people in charge kept saying "We need to move the fashion show inside, we need to move the fashion show inside."

Did they??

Oh ... HELL no.

So the first three people get up on the catwalk, do their little twists and turns, la dee dah...

I got up there, did my exaggerated Elvis Presley kicks and chops and posed seductively for all the people on hand.

As I began stepping down off the catwalk, a raindrop landed on my cheek.

I got back in the building and the bottom dropped out.

It was the quickest that I have ever seen the sky open up. EVERYONE was talking about how quick it came.

Okay ... here's the funny part (to me anyway).

There's this lady who's in the Fashion Show every year just like me. She was Ms. Senior Alabama back in 1994.

Six years ago.

This woman STILL wears her sash and tiara with her everywhere.

From 1994.

Okay ... Ms. Senior Alabama followed me onto the catwalk.

...Just as the bottom dropped out of the sky.

GUESS who was walking around, visibly disturbed and soaking wet from the rain with her tiara rusting??

If you guessed "Ms. Senior Alabama", you win!! Run to the bathroom, grab a roll of toilet paper and that's your prize!!

It was a sight for sore eyes, man. Her makeup was ruined, her finely coiffed hair was matted to her head and her tiara just looked pitiful.

I didn't laugh in her face. I just said "Pat...are you okay?"

She was so brave in the face of adversity.

"I'm a little wet," she smiled, showing her pearly white dentures.

Now...I coulda taken advantage of the situation, elbowed her in the ribs and leered "I bet that's the first time since 1981."

But I didn't.

I hurried and changed and ran back out to take advantage of the big, big bargains.

I bought Andrew a little satin baseball jacket, some Winnie the Pooh overalls, a little flannel shirt to certify his machismo and a Christmas onesie with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on it.

He'll look so cute. I pwomise.

********************************************

Ran back to the office and got the grill started for my ribs.

I had to move the grill to the front porch because it was the only covered area and it was pouring down rain by this point.

Mattie Gee was embarrassed because he said we looked like poor white trash grilling on the front porch.

This is coming from a guy who lives in a duplex that has a truck in the front yard instead of grass.

But...in his defense ... he's moving today.

I guess that's why he finally felt comfortable calling others "poor white trash".

He's no longer poor white trash.

Heh.

I love the guy.

Anyway ... due to the blowing winds, the fire went out on the grill.

So the ribs were ummmm....pink.

Actually, the majority of the ribs got done. A few were still oinking and were thrown away.

Everyone seemed to love them at the time. I have no idea how many spent the evening vomiting their intestines up.

If any of them did, I'll let you know on Monday.

**********************************************

Babysat our pastor's three-month old last night with Susie while our pastor and his wife went out to dinner and a movie to celebrate his birthday.

We had such a great time. It really showed me that although your life DOES change ... it's not a bad change, really.

... As long as you have the "Baby Mozart" videotape.

I had never heard of the thing. But Brian told me, if he gets fussy, put in the Baby Mozart tape.

Yeah, right, Brian. The kid is three months old. He's not going to watch a video tape.

The first time he made a peep, I plopped him in his little chair and jammed that tape in.

INSTANT BABYSITTER.

He was enthralled with this tape. He sat there and cooed and kicked his legs and made almost-laughing sounds.

Have you guys heard or seen this tape??

ALL it is, is Mozart's music...and videos of toys.

Toys.

A train going around a track.

Hand puppets acting silly.

A spinning top.

...And this kid was GLUED to the screen.

We watched the tape twice. Both times, he was like a dog watching a squirrel.

The kid was INTENSE.

I'm DEFINITLY getting Baby Mozart.

And apparently, it's good for the kid too. Beats Mozart into their brain at an early age.

It's not like tossing them in front of violent cartoons. This stuff stimulates their brain growth.

He NEVER got fussy at all. He'd start babbling and at one point he got a little tired and wanted us to know that he was tired by babbling even faster, but he went to sleep on his little mat and that was the last we heard out of him.

One thing I found out ... the kid LOVES to watch me dance and clap.

I'm no John Travolta. But I've got a few moves that will knock a three-month old's socks off.

There's the half-Macarena which is only about half of the Macarena's moves just randomly thrown together. He dug that.

And the Al Gore Cabbage Patch, where I just stiffly move my arms in a circle. He was all over that one.

And clapping. Holy hell...if I knew the kid was gonna be so into clapping, I woulda done it all night. He grinned this big toothless grin and spat up all over himself ... which I guess is baby-speak for "AWESOME DUDE!!"

We had a great time. By the time Brian and Carrie got home, Ethan was out on his mat ... Susie was out on the sofa ... and I was watching the Toughman Contest on FX, about to pass out myself.

T'was a good day.

********************************************

QUESTION OF THE WEEKEND

Have you got any good babysitting stories to share, either about yourself or one of your babysitters?

0 comments so far
The last one/The next one


NEW!!!Come and write some BAD EROTICA with the cool kids!

My Diaryland Trading Card
Now go write a Suck Ass Poem™
Write me a note here.
Read my notes here.
Hey! Take the Uncle Bob Quiz!
What the hell! May as well take the wildly popular Uncle Bob Second Quiz too!
Thanks Diaryland
Designed by Lisa


CURRENT - ARCHIVES - MESSAGES - EMAIL


Have you read these?

The End Of Uncle Bob - 12:28 p.m. , 2009-02-19

Losing Focus While Trying To Write A Blog Entry Is Cool. - 1:47 p.m. , 2008-12-04

Buck Up Junior, You Could Be Digging Ditches - 11:36 p.m. , 2008-10-31

That Sinking Feeling - 6:09 a.m. , 2008-10-28

Return Of The Karate Kid And His Slow Kitty-Lovin' Accomplice - 5:44 a.m. , 2008-10-22

Sign up for my Notify List and get email when I update!

email:
powered by
NotifyList.com

HEY YOU!
Click on the button below to order the book "Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers: Best of Blogs" featuring Uncle Bob.
You WON'T be sorry.

DISCLAIMER


Read a random entry of mine.