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5:30 a.m. - 2000-11-12

REDRUM!! REDRUM!!

Okay ... I'm getting cabin fever ...

I've been in this house since Tuesday night with the exception of a quick jaunt to the grocery store on Thursday.

I love my wife. I love my boy. But damn if this ain't starting to reek of "The Shining" around here.

We're going to church today to have everyone coo and caw over Andrew. He'll probably crawl away with several hundred diseases after everyone's through pawing at him.

Had some company yesterday ... the pastor, his wife and baby boy came over. Their boy is four months old today and he's a HORSE!! I'd play with him on occasion at church and always thought he was so tiny, but compared to my little runt, this kid's a football player. He weighs ten pounds more than my boy and you can't even fit your hand around his big ol' thighs. Cute as a button ... just HUGE!

I was hiding cookies and ice cream from the little husky hunk.

They brought Arby's over for lunch...which I promptly spilled all over the floor. Just the fries really ... sandwiches were still wrapped. I ate all the fries off the floor. In fact, I got on my hands and knees and sucked the fries straight off the floor.

Then Kelly came over. Kelly's one of our "hot" friends. If Susie and I ever went on the Newlywed Game (fat chance...I know...) and Bob Eubanks said "Uncle Bob...which of Susie's friends would you most want to see naked?" I'd fall off that bench and say "Bob...that'd have to be Kelly."

Kelly's got this...prissy look to her though. Her hair's always pulled back and it looks like it pains her to smile. I'm sure she doesn't realize it, but oftentimes, it looks like she just got through sucking a lemon...her face is always sour looking.

...Then again...most of Susie's friends are hairy ogre beasts. So my pickins...they be slim, Bob.

Kelly brought us a casserole, which I just don't eat. I've always hated casseroles because you never know what all is in them. Sure...there's rice. Hey look! Some chicken too!! A little onion...okay....ummmmm...what's this green stuff?? Celery?? Green onions?? Mold???

That's why I like steak so much. What's in steak?? COW. That's it, baby. Lotsa cow.

"Mmmmm...this steak tastes great! What's in it?"

"Oh, I threw in a little extra cow for flavor."

"Fantastic! I haven't tasted cow like this in years!"

Casseroles...no thanks.

We had frozen pizza for dinner. I know what's in that. Shitloads of preservatives.

Susie's brother's family called about 4 yesterday, wanting to come over. Susie told them that Kelly was bringing dinner over at about 5 or so, they could come after that.

What time did they show up?

5:05.

They're a buncha scavengers, I'm'a tellin' ya. If there's a chance of scoring some free food in their future, they're all over it like yellow on corn.

It's kinda fun when they come over looking for an edible handout, because we will starve ourselves before attempting to feed their brood. I DON'T MIND feeding them when it's predetermined. We've had them over for dinner several times over the years...four times to be exact.

But when they just finagle their way over here with bibs on and forks in hand without being asked...THAT'S when I have a problem.

They stayed until about 7 before they realized we weren't feeding their sorry asses. Then they went to McDonald's.

I guess I coulda just given them the casserole, but it'd be forever before we got the dish back and Kelly wants her dish back.

I'll give them credit though...they minded their manners for a change. Nobody passed out on the couch...nobody broke anything or urinated on the TV screen. They were good little hillbillies yesterday.

My brother in law immediately wanted to jump on the Internet though. That always kinda unnerves me, because I keep this diary in my links which appear at the top of my page. One of these days, a family member is going to come over here, want to surf that there amazin' internet stuff and find all kindsa crap written about them there.

I came home Tuesday from work, and my mother in law was sitting here, surfing through my favorites list. She wondered why I didn't have Rush Limbaugh's site bookmarked.

Maybe it's because I think he's the biggest pompous ass in the world and he's the sole reason why I vote Democratic when I actually vote.

Our irritating neighbor called last night during the Auburn-Georgia football game.

Susie was taking a bath at the time so I was forced to talk to her.

"How's the baby?"

"Baby's fine."

"How's Susie?"

"Susie's fine."

"Have I told you what an idiot you are because you were born with a penis?"

"Yes, we've covered that."

"Did I tell you about the wedding I went to this afternoon?"

Okay...time out. WHY IN THE HELL do I want to hear about the wedding this woman went to? Did I sound desperate for phone conversation?? I'M TRYING TO WATCH A VERY IMPORTANT FOOTBALL GAME RIGHT NOW. I don't have the time or patience to listen to her SLOWLY tell me every detail about a wedding.

I simply DON'T care.

Still...because I'm a nice guy, I sat there and repeated "Uh huh", "Wow!" and "You're kidding me!" over and over to appease the woman.

I seriously need to go to the bank on Monday, take out a loan and BUY MYSELF A FREAKIN' SPINE!!!

It was the perfect way to cap off a boring day...a ten minute phone conversation with my arch nemesis.

Wait.

Scratch that.

Being peed on by my son during his sponge bath. THAT actually followed the phone conversation and capped off the evening in grand style.

A piss-soaked t-shirt will make any night a festive one.

Who am I kidding? Secretly, I love it when he pees on me.

This kid can do no wrong in my eyes.

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