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09:18:32 - 2000-06-26

HOLLYWOOD, HERE ME COME!

Hola my little cherry Pop Tart!

Alright...who the hell stole my weekend?? I had a damned weekend planned for the last few days for WEEKS, and one of you grimy bastards went and STOLE it from me.

...grumble, grumble, grumble...

That's one thing about getting older...time just freakin' flies, don't it?

Remember as a kid how summer vacation seemed to last FOREVER??

I mean...it was never long enough...but the summer between the fifth and sixth grade...now that seemed like years.

Anyway...

Went and saw "Me, Myself & Irene" last night. I laughed my ass off during a large portion of the movie, but when I wasn't laughing, I was bored.

Here's my favorite parts...

1) The cow

2) The waiter

3) The nose thing

4) The limo driver

5) The peeing scene

6) Hank's first visit

And my favorite lines??

"Wrong answer, Fuckface."

"AHHHH!!!A GIANT Q-TIP!!"

and

"Would somebody please get this fucking chicken out of my ass??"

...Priceless ...

Don't worry...I didn't ruin it for ya. See it and you'll know what I'm talking about.

The sad part is ... I know that with enough recreational drugs, I coulda wrote that movie.

When I was younger, I KNEW that I could write a hilarious script. I always had three scripts in the back of my head that I KNEW would be funny. Here's my pitch ... these are the three premises of the three movies I wanted to write.

1) "HOT TRASH":

A teen comedy about a group of teen garbagemen at an amusement park.

Okay...so I was a teen garbage man at an amusement park when I thought this one up. Trust me...it woulda been funny in a "Porkys"/"American Pie" type of way. I don't remember many of the scenes from it, except a guy named Pig who gets caught masturbating in a dumpster because it was the only private place he could find.

...And no...the role of Pig was NOT based on my actual experiences.

... I had keys to the broom closet, thank you.

2) "WHO LOVES DADDY?"

A simple premise ... four snotty brothers who NEVER got along all through life are called together to come home while their father lies on his deathbed.

The four are told that Daddy has millions socked away that they never knew about. Now...the brother who can show that he has changed the most and is loving towards his family gets all the money. So all four guys put on fronts for their father and their mother and each other to try and win the cash.

Wanna know how long ago it was that I came up with this idea?

I had Rodney Dangerfield as the dad...Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Steve Martin and me as the four brothers.

So it was roughly 1980 when I came up with the idea.

I just thought it'd be funny to see grown men acting like children and trying to outwit each other in being fake and sincere.

3) "TELETHON"

This would basically be a movie about the situations surrounding a telethon. I thought the telethon would center around finding a cure for acne and they'd keep parading horribly pimply teens on the screen, etc. You'd have the smarmy host (ala Jerry Lewis) and all the people behind the scenes bickering, etc. The entertainment lined up for the telethon would be horrible and in the end, you'd see they raised something like $300.

4) "THE CHURCH"

Okay...this one isn't funny. In fact...it's a horror movie that came to me in a dream once...read anyway.

A young brother and sister have divorced parents. They haven't seen their father in years when he shows up and wants to take the kids for the weekend. The mother reluctantly agrees and the dad ends up taking the kids to his "church" which is really a satanic cult who needs the kids to sacrifice to Satan. The kids escape the church and go running through the woods to try and find a safe place.

...Except everyone in town is part of this church. Even the kindly old people who they think they're safe with, etc.

Sooooo....do I have what it takes??

Eh....probably not. I certainly don't have the time to devote to such endeavors.

I've got a kid coming...remember???

(P.S. I JUST NOW decided to check the bulk mail of my Diaryland email address and have found a BUNCH of emails that I had no idea had been sent to me. Apparently, the damned computer thought many of you were spam. I apologize for myself and Hotmail for not giving you people more credit. There were quite a few requests for Army additions...I think I added them all. And thanks to so many of you who offered to post the pics of my baby on the web. I had NO IDEA so many of you stepped up to the plate. You rock my world, and to prevent this from happening again, I'm forwarded my Diaryland email to my new NOW WORKING email address and away from the evil clutches of the Hotmail bulk mails. I'm so embarrassed. Now I'm going to go and read my emails. God...Ich liebe dich)

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