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08:22:54 - 2000-04-12

(Uncle Bob's Diary is an adult diary. If you are not an adult, please go somewhere else now. If you are under the age of 18, and "get" Bob...you can stay but you make me nervous. I wouldn't want my kids reading my diary...and I don't think your parents would appreciate you reading this diary either. Thank yewwwwww.)

"HAS ANYBODY FOUND THE EGG"...YES MA'AM...MY SPERM DID...

That was the question of the day yesterday..."Has anybody found the egg"?

Most of you will remember...I've been put in charge of hiding a "golden" easter egg somewhere in town. Then I had to write over 100 clues to help people find the egg.

All in rhyme.

Freakin' Dr. Seuss ain't got SHIT on yer ol' Uncle Bob.

The first egg we hid, something went terribly awry and a woman found it within days of hiding it. I hid it across the street from the city's biggest building and even though it was dark out, the park I was in was well lit and I have a feeling she saw me hide it from a window in the building.

So we hid a second egg.

This one we hid WELL. It's been hidden for three weeks today. Tomorrow I put out the clues that will steer people STRAIGHT TO IT.

But for now...the phone is ringing off the hook with people wanting to know if the egg's been found.

Then...yesterday afternoon...the calls started getting weird.

"Is the egg near Flowers Elementary School?"

*gulp*

Well...yes it is...but we can't tell people that.

"I can't tell you that," I told the lady as I TRIED to get a newspaper to press and had about a billion things that I needed to be doing rather than giving a woman special clues.

"Well...I was told to leave the property when I got to Flowers Elementary School,"the woman told me.

Oh shit. I guess it pays to let people in on the secret every now and then.

People like the Board of Education.

Right after that call, we started getting several calls of people being physically escorted off school property by security.

Then I got the call I was dreading.

It was from my friend Angela. She handles public relations for the Montgomery County School Board.

"Uncle Bob, I've got to ask you a question," she started.

I chuckled.

"Does it concern people wandering around Flowers Elementary school in a drug-like haze?"

"What is the deal?? Did you hide something there??"

I explained to her what the deal was and told her where the egg is hidden and asked her if that was considered school property.

She confirmed that the egg was NOT hidden on school property.

Tee hee!

I told her to tell the school to tell people that the egg is NOT on school property and to not trespass through the school. And by Thursday, the clues will be so strong, they will basically tell the hunter exactly where to go.

ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS!?!?!?!

I mean...isn't that what you expect a day in the life of Uncle Bob to be like??

Full of hilarity and golden eggs?

Errr...I mean...full of golden eggs??

Sigh.

Hey...so today's the big day...my first ULTRASOUND this morning!!!

I'm still having trouble believing my wife's pregnant. Today should help me get a grasp on the whole situation. It's just ...I mean ... damn...we just didn't think it would ever happen.

It's like...if you're trying to make the perfect meatloaf. And you try and try for years and years to get it right but every time it's either too dry, or not enough onion.

Then you just finally say "screw it". I'm gonna make meatloaf to enjoy it and quit trying to create the perfect meatloaf. It's never going to happen anyway.

Then...during a normal sweat-soaked, pulse-pounding, multiple-orgasm-having meatloaf session you end up creating the perfect meatloaf when all you were trying to do was get a quick meal.

Heh.

That's cooking for ya.

Anyway...I'm way excited.

Oh yeah...getting my car back today too... supposedly.

The guy fixing it...my buddy's friend Mr. Honest Redneck Millionaire ... is charging me about $450 to fix it.

I really like the guy...but he makes me feel like a little kid in the principal's office.

"You've never had a tune-up on this car, have you?" he asked.

Tune-up, oil-change, fill-up....what's the difference??

I gave him my pat answer when dealing with mechanics who ask questions that concern my engine.

"I'm not sure."

Mechanics love me. I put food on their table. Hell...I put lobster on their damned table. I don't question anything they say...I just wave a credit card around the room and sing..."Fix it, fix it, fix my fucking carrrrr...fix it, fix it, I must have my fucking carrrrrr...."

They always smile and laugh when I come to pick my car up. I never fail to hear the popping of champagne bottles and clinking of glasses in the garage as I leave.

That's enough stuff for you to know.

I don't feel like sharing any more right now. Got things to do.

Love me, love me...say that you love me....

MP3 DOWNLOAD OF THE DAY

I'm feeling extremely funky...George Clinton's "Atomic Dog" should be on everyone's playlist by the end of the day ...AND THAT'S AN ORDER!

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