Uncle Bob's Diary O' Chuckles

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

*Big long assed sigh*

Alright.

Everyone.

Enough is enough.

I wasn't going to even MENTION any of this because I really think it's been blown out of proportion.

But when I read Methybeth's (I'd link her, but it could piss her off ... you know how to find her) diary entry this morning, I have no choice but to mention it.

I have considered Methybeth an online/Diaryland friend for over a year. Ever since I started writing in Diaryland, she has been a consistant friend, emailing me to tell me how much she loves my writing and the feeling has always been mutual.

She used to have my little award that is at the bottom of this page with "Your Face Here" on it and she was the only one goofy enough to actually plaster her face on it, grinning like the goober she is.

That always made me smile.

SHE has always made me smile.

She's one of the more talented writers in this whole damned shebang. I've been reading her for over a year. I've read about her horrible teen years, I've read the entries where she didn't have anybody and felt as if she had no reason to keep going. And I read her entries about how she finally found a guy who was lucky enough to have married her and now she's like a giddy little school girl in love for the first time.

Her diary is amazing. To think that she's gone from a wisecracking and sometimes lonely person to one of the happier people in Diaryland ... it's quite a transformation and has been a fun ride to be on.

A few days ago, my attempt at being "cute" in a diary entry about having to eat lunch next to a bunch of ladies who were loud and obnoxious backfired on me. Mainly because I referred to the women as "fat".

Not just fat. Fat fucking whores, human cattle, etc.

I tried to come up with a different venomous title for them each time I referred to them.

I used some kinda slang term for "Fat" well over ten times.

This offended the Metherbean.

She let me know it both on the message board and via email. She wanted her name removed from that stupid, stupid Army list because she didn't want to be associated with me anymore.

I didn't respond because it damned near broke my heart.

Others have stepped forward and said "Remove me ... you're a bad person". I barely flinched.

Methy is different. I like her. I respect her. She's what I consider one of my dearest and oldest friends, and I always thought she "understood" me which I know she still does.

So I removed her. And Squibnocket, who I offended as well ... but ... and I'm not trying to be crass here ... but I never felt the same about Squib as I do about the Mether. Which is no slam on Squib ... it's just that Beth and I have communicated quite a bit.

Here's the deal with the fat stuff, folks.

I'm fat. Shit. I'm beyond fat. I'm 6'2" and weigh 283 lbs.

THAT'S fat. Fatter than anyone who got their feathers ruffled over this.

I'm also a guy, so being fat doesn't really phase me like it does women.

Women get a few pounds overweight and it's damned near the end of the world for them.

Me? I shrug it off. Make jokes about it. The jokes aren't there to hide any pain.

Okay...a little back pain in the morning. Shit. You try lugging a seventh grader around your waist all damned day and night and tell me you won't get a little back pain eventually.

Because I'm fat, I think it's okay to make fun of fat people.

Fat people that would never see this diary, that is. I would never take a swipe at a fellow Diarylander over their weight problem. I know that quite a few in the "Army" have got weight problems ... many of them worse than mine. I've only been thin once in my life and that was as a senior in high school when I was so desperate for a girlfriend, I lost 70 lbs.

Looked good too, I might add.

Anyway ...

I don't make fun of gay people here because I'm not gay.

I don't make fun of ethnic people here because I'm not ethnic.

I WILL poke fun at fat people, because I'm one of them.

My yearbook photo was an aerial photograph. That kinda shit.

Those are the rules of comedy. Louie Anderson made a career out of fat jokes because he's fat.

The heavily made-up lady on the Drew Carey show did the same thing.

Granted ... all the nasty things I said about fat people the other day were not directed at myself.

That's probably where I made the mistake.

Regardless ... my entry the other day was about five women who not only ruined my lunch, but my wife's lunch and every other person in the restaurant's lunch. They acted like buffoons, they were there with one purpose and that was to get as much free food as they could by complaining, they insulted their waiter who bent over backwards to please them with a lousy tip, they insulted the food and then they had the nerve to not leave once their dining experience was finished, but to sit there and sing at the table LOUDLY which is something my parents raised me to never do.

The only reason I pointed out they were fat was to show how pissed they had made me. "Human cattle" is an ugly term. I used it to describe an ugly person. But it was meant in jest.

As Susie and I sat there, we grinned. One ... because we were both glad we were out of the restaurant business and never had to deal with jerks like this again.

And my grin was partially because I had at least found something in my day to write about in my diary.

And truth be told ... I was bigger than every one of the women at the table.

I NEVER meant to cause any Diarylander any pain by what I wrote. I don't get up each morning and think "Gee...what I could I write about that will drive people away from me in droves?"

I write how I write.

Methy writes how she writes. And I've always enjoyed it thoroughly.

I checked out Methy's guestbook thingie/analyzer dealio and was going to leave an "I'm sorry" message there.

Except I felt kinda stupid after reading what her friends had written there.

"Uncle Bob's a jerk/asshole/embarrassment/complete ass/rude/obnoxious".

These are vicious names coming from people who are there to comfort Methybeth over some words I said that were never directed at her.

Thanks people. Way to introduce the concept of "irony" into the situation. Attack someone with words to help comfort a woman who was offended by words by using ugly words.

Sheesh.

I make a large effort to not attack others in Diaryland.

I did attack one guy who's no longer in D-land because I mistakingly thought he was behind an attack on me. I apologized profusely for it soon afterwards when I discovered that he wasn't. I honestly felt bad over what I did.

But because this diary gets between 400-600 hits a day, I'm constantly being attacked by people who find offense in things that I never intended to be offensive.

Like I told one person ... it comes with the territory, I guess. If you're popular, you have to pay the price.

All I want to do is get up each morning an hour before I really need to, and write a diary entry that will leave smiles on the faces of those who appreciate what I do for them.

That's all.

I'm not here to cause pain to anyone.

I'm not here to be called names by people that are trying to comfort someone.

I've tried running disclaimers on the page, letting people know that I'm NOT politically correct, that I AM offensive and that I MAY end up hurting your feelings.

People THEN bitch about the disclaimers making the page take too long to upload onto their machines.

Folks ... I cannot win.

All that said ... Beth, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that my words have offended you. I think you know in your heart that I did NOT sit down at the computer and TRY my damndest to offend you. It happened accidently. At 5 a.m. in the morning, I'm not thinking all that straight and whatever flies out of my fingers is what gets put on this page.

Now that I've apologized...some big brotherly advice to you ... snap out of it. You have a wonderful husband and a good life. So you have a few extra pounds on your frame ... BIG DEAL! You're still a wonderful person with a full and exciting life ahead of you. More than half the population is overweight. You're not alone. Enjoy life and everything it brings you. Don't let stupid remarks get you down.

I don't.

This is just some dork's diary. It's not a guide to life.

Now then ... you smile, woman.

SMIIIIIIIIILE.

You're not leaving here until you smile.

DO YOU HEAR ME???

You are NOT leaving this desk until you SMILE dammit!!

There.

That's better.

I hope you're happy. I used up this entire space to make amends with you rather than railing against the government in their closing of Napster, the ongoing saga of my kid's cold and my dog's disgusting ass.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

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