EXTRA SUPER DUPER FEISTY

Hey good lookin'.

Whatcha got cookin'??

Really??

Wow...smelled like deep fried chihuahua shit to me.

So hey, how goes it, you big ol' hunk of human bean, you??

I know I haven't updated twice in one day in a few weeks ... I've neglected you people and I apologize.

If I could...if it were humanly possible ... I'd line each and every one of you up in single file and go down the line, stroking each and every one of your heads lovingly to show you that I still loved and cared for each and every one of you.

Alas...most of you would fall head over heels in lust with me as my warm hand caressed your scalp and you'd try to jump my big bones.

...And I'm a married man, and would remind you of that fact and then it'd be an extremely awkward situation with you wondering what sex would have been like with me, while I've moved on to a whole new scalp, baby.

I'm really only updating tonight because I'm gonna be busy early in the morning. Taking the pooch to the vet for her summer hair cut.

My dog sheds like...like...like....

......

.....Man...it's like....one day I woke up and my metaphor bank had been robbed in my sleep.

I haven't come up with a decent metaphor in days.

I think I'm losing it.

*sigh*

My dog sheds like Elizabeth Berkley in the outtakes from "Showgirls"??

WAIT A SECOND!!

...I could swear I heard BOOING out there.

... You ungrateful bastards.

Need I ask you one more time how much you paid to get in here??

Exactly.

So don't give me any SHIT, mister man.

Heeee!!! I'm feeling extra super duper feisty tonight.

Me and my boy Mattie Gee had a blowup today at work.

It was really pretty comical. Even if we were furious with each other for about 30 minutes.

Today, Jubilee tix were handed out at work. Apparently we received 20 tickets to this weekend's music fest in a trade-out deal.

By the way ... trade-outs rule.

Anyway...I had no idea how many tix, IF ANY, I would be getting. I wasn't too concerned about it really. Susie's pregnant and wants to stay home although she said if I got her a free ticket, she'd come down at least one of the three days...I've got a suite in the hotel, two cases of Heineken for myself and a press pass to get into the fair with.

In a nutshell, I wasn't planning on getting any tix.

I got two. One for me...one for Susie.

I figured I'd give 'em to Suze and let her dig up a friend to come down to the Fest with.

Mattie Gee only got one ticket.

He was pissed that he only got one ticket and asked me for my tickets. I told him Susie would probably wanna come down.

Then he threw a fit and said he wasn't going to come down at all and didn't want the one freakin' ticket.

I explained to him I'd get him a press pass and we'd probably have enough press passes to get his friends in as well.

Wasn't good enough. He still needed to throw a fit.

So I got pissed with him, which made him pissed with me and we didn't speak for like 30 minutes.

...Which is a long time for us. We share an office and cut up like smartasses at the back of the class all day.

The boss was back there as well, hashing out his weekly column in a drunken haze. At one point (after me and Mattie Gee silently buried the hatchet without having to acknowledge that we were ever fighting in the first place), it got a bit noisy in there and the boss snapped at us.

"Put on some music or shut the hell up," he said.

"I don't have any music you'd like today, Bob," I said.

Yes...my boss's name is Bob. Yes, I call him Bob, unless I'm being sarcastic. Then I call him "Mr. Martin".

So ... it became a fun little game for me and Mattie Gee to see how long we could go without making a peep.

I was silently screaming at him until I became beet-red in the face and almost passed out.

He kept calling me a "big pussy", mouthing the words like he was talking to a deaf guy with coke-bottle glasses.

...I seriously think I'm going to have to retire my metaphor collection ...

Anyway...it was fun.

He's about the only guy I wanna kill one minute and hug the next.

Although...to be honest...we have had maybe two squabbles in eight years like we had today.

He's the brother I never had.

And I'm glad I never had him as a brother.