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10:36 a.m. - 2001-08-04

A FAMILY OUTING GOES HORRIBLY AWRY

So last night, I'm sitting around with the wife and kid and I blurt out "I wanna do something FUN tomorrow!"

They both look at me like I just started fondling myself and making guttural sounds.

"Like what?" Susie asked.

"I dunno," I thought out loud. "Maybe get up early and go to yard sales?"

"Sounds good to me," she said.

Andy continued to look at me as if I was fondling myself because he really didn't have a clue as to what was being said and he basically has that quizzical look on his face 24-7 anyway.

So I got up, ran to the corner store and picked up the local yard sale book that comes out every week to circle some cool yard sales.

WHOOOOHOOOOOO!!! Friday night and I'm gonna CIRCLE COOL YARD SALES!!! Step off Jack!! I'm a fuckin' party animal, dude!!

...So anyway...

I found about 20 good yard sales that stated if we showed up at their yard sales, there would be children's toys a'plenty there.

Awesome!

So I told the wife that we would BOTH be getting up at 5:30 to go yard sailing.

She agreed to this. Right there in front of God and me and the baby...she AGREED to get up at 5:30 this morning and go yard sailing.

About 1:30 in the morning, my wife's sitting up on her side of the bed, going through a box of baby clothes.

Aw hell.

She's doing her weird sleep thing again.

"What are you doing," I asked.

"I've lost the baby," she replied. "I think he's in this box."

Jeezum Crow.

HAD I KNOWN that my wife had the weirdest goddamned sleeping habits known to man, I probably woulda just fucked her and dumped her back in 1986.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOO...I had to go and fall in love and marry her, thinking "Ah..she's had a few nightmares...no big whoop."

YES BIG WHOOP. YOU'RE MARRYING A PSYCHOTIC SLEEPER, DUDE.

Ah well...I didn't know.

So anyway, she's got crap strewn across her side of the bed, desperately trying to find Andy who was sound asleep in his crib.

"The baby's asleep in his crib," I told Susie. "You're just dreaming."

"Well it's a helluva nightmare!" she said back to me as she laid back down, actually taking my word for it that Andy hadn't crawled out of his crib, shimmied down the side, crawled into our room and crawled into a box of his old baby clothes and suffocated.

Now.

I was half asleep as this was going on.

And I could SWEAR I smelled a diaper full of urine. In the last nine months, I've acquired a knack of smelling my boy's piss. You could put me in the middle of a slaughterhouse, and I could still smell my boy peeing in his diaper. Maybe it's a dad thing, I dunno. But I can detect his pee with ease.

So I'm laying there and it dawns on me...maybe Susie got up in her sleep, grabbed Andy, and stuck him in one of these boxes and accidently suffocated the boy in his sleep.

So my heart jumps. And to be sure, I got up, walked quickly to Andy's room, checked his crib and he was sound asleep, just like I was hoping.

Came back to the room and Susie was practically snoring, which isn't amazing really since she was ASLEEP the entire last five minutes anyway.

So that happened.

At 5 a.m., we're awakened by Andy's insistance that it might be a good idea if somebody (preferably Mama), came to his room and shoved a tit in his mouth.

So Suze gets up, stumbles into his room and begins nursing him.

I get up at 5:30 and check on those two. I told Susie it was time to get up...time for yard sales.

She would rather sleep, she says.

Alright...I KNOW this is just her subconscious talking. Who in their right friggin' mind would turn down the chance to get up at 5:30 a.m. on a Saturday and go yard sailing after just nursing a baby for 30 minutes??

Needless to say, it was a solo venture for me this morning, rather than a family affair.

I got Andy a buncha stuff. Books, a "Toy Story" comfort chair, some toys, the dinosaur from "Toy Story" and...that's about it really.

But...I saw my share of white trash this morning. These types of white trash are highly dangerous. For they are ... the Yard Sale Elite.

They travel around in pick-up trucks that have garbage bags full of trash in the back. Literal trash...these aren't yard sale finds...these are fish heads and newspapers.

I saw one lady in a muu-muu who had these nasty NASTY scabby arms from where bugs had bitten her and she scratched the scabs off and they grew back all crusty and gross.

She was holding a Jack in the Box in her hands that looked practically new.

I stood there behind her for a second, hypnotized by her scabs. I was actually waiting for her to put the Jack in the Box down so that I could take it home to Andy. But she didn't put it down and I couldn't peel my eyes away from her scaly flesh.

So I just stood there and stared before snapping out of my hypno-funk.

I got to see two ladies fight over a dresser, which is always plenty of fun. It woulda been a nice catfight, except these women weren't young and hot, they were old and toothless. One said she had seen it first and already asked the owner about it while the other one said she shoulda snagged it while she had the chance.

I'm not sure either argument would stand up in a court of law, but then I doubt either granny woulda been able to stand up in a court of law either. They both looked ravaged from arthritis.

I was driving down one of the main roads and saw a yard sale with lots of colorful toys in the back yard, so I slammed on the brakes and stopped at the sale.

There were a ton of toys at this sale. A TON.

But every one of them was covered in some sort of filth.

Including feces.

I shit you not...there was a Sit and Spin in the backyard. I had thought about getting Andy a sit and spin at one point, but I didn't. So I thought I'd check this one out.

"That's just poo on there," the white trash sale lady said. "It'll come off with a hose."

Oh.

Well gee...no. Would it be okay if I just left your child's fucking shit all over the toy instead? That way, my kid can get fucking hepatitis from sitting in your child's shit. That just sounds so appealing to me.

I was so disgusted by the shit-covered toy that I couldn't do anything but shake my head no and walked away.

It started to rain, so I came on home about 9 a.m.

Susie and Andy were now wide awake and watching "Wheel of Fortune".

I showed Andy his new toys that Daddy had spent all morning tracking down for him.

Andy picked up a ball that rattled, shook it a few times and started crying.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I shoulda bought the shit-stained Sit and Spin.

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