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09:03:42 - 2000-09-28

AND THAT OVER THERE IS BAKED FOOT UP YOUR ASS...

Sooooo....

For some STRANGE reason ... we decide to go to Picadilly Cafeteria in the mall last night for dinner.

Neither one of us had been there in years. It had been so long since we had been there we had forgotten why we had boycotted the restaurant in the first place.

Two minutes inside of that house of pain and it all came back quickly.

Slow, slow, slow customers.

The average age in Picadilly was death. The soup of the day was lukewarm water and the food was as bland as an Osmond.

Apparently, old people get to a point where they no longer want their food to taste like food, they prefer it to taste like cardboard and styrofoam.

And by golly...Picadilly is Johnny On-The-Spot ... ready to please them.

We walk inside the cafeteria and have to go through the labyrinth which they call their waiting line. This thing snakes around the entire room and seems to go on forever. I thought we were in Iowa by the time we made it to the serving trays.

The meats of the day consisted of baked fish, baked chicken, baked lasagna and baked cat shit.

Oh. And of course, liver and onions.

Correct me if I'm wrong...but aren't liver and onions generally an old folks' dish?? I've never known ANYONE other than my grandfather who could chow down on some liver and onions.

I've never tasted the stuff myself. After all the jokes made about the dish, I figured it'd be best that liver and onions never graced the insides of my sensitive tummy.

There's nobody in line but us ... and three elderly women in front of us.

Wow! Great! We'll just slide right through this line and be chowing down in less than five minutes!!

Ummmmm....did I mention the women were "elderly"??

The first woman wanted to know what everything was that was being served. She acted as if everything looked like roadkill.

"What's THAT??" she'd say and point at something with a disgusted look on her face.

"That's lasagna, ma'am," the girl behind the counter sighed.

Hey...major props go out to the people that work at Picadilly. I know if I had to take up a part-time job there, I'd be going ballistic on some social-security-sucking psycho from hell within a week.

I'd be like "Oh that?? That's our specialty, ma'am...placenta with cheese. Try it!!"

After every single thing on the cafeteria line had been labeled for the woman, she finally decided on the baked chicken and mashed potatoes.

I swear to GOD, she asked what the mashed potatoes were.

Mashed potatoes.

Maybe she thought it was snow...I dunno. But how hard is it to look at a tray full of mashed potatoes and think they were anything but mashed potatoes??

"What's that?? Green bean casserole??"

"No ma'am...those are mashed potatoes."

Her friend was even worse. Her friend was smart enough to listen to everything being described and pretty much knew what she wanted.

But she had to have a REASON and STORY behind everything that she ordered.

"I had the BEST baked fish at a little restaurant on the gulf back in 1948," she said. "My husband Myron and I went down there for a summer vacation and we found this little, teeny weeny, tiny....."

"GET MOVING, LADY," I yelled in my head.

"...restaurant on the beach. I don't think I remember the name of the restaurant. It was something like The Big Catch or maybe Lars' Fish Shack or possibly...."

"I'VE GOT A PREGNANT LADY BACK HERE, LADY," I screamed once again in my brain. "GET A MOVE ON BEFORE I JAB A FORK IN YOUR TEMPLE."

"... Carl's Carp Castle!! That was the name of it!! They had THE BEST baked fish down there! I believe they closed up because the next time Myron and I went down to the beach in 1950, they were...."

"DAMMIT TO HELL, WOMAN!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT SOME FIFTY YEAR OLD FISH THAT YOU ATE AND SHIT BACK OUT IN YOUR DEPENDS YEARS AGO!!! IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, YOU'RE GOING TO GET A BAKED FISH ENEMA THAT YOU CAN SHARE WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS BACK AT THE RETIREMENT HOME."

"...closed. I really miss that place. Could I get some corn with that?"

(The girl spoons a spoonful of corn on the plate)

"Oh my. Is that pimento in the corn?? I can't eat pimento. Pimento makes me ill."

Alright...WHO THE HELL CAN'T EAT PIMENTO???

Pimento is probably THE most harmless edible crap in the world. I've never even TASTED pimento. I eat an olive...it tastes like olive. I suck the pimento out of an olive ... I taste NOTHING.

EAT THE CORN LADY....EAT THE CORRRRRRN!!!!

The third lady...shock of shocks...orders her food quietly and efficiently.

If I hadn't been with my wife, I woulda laid a big smacker on the woman's lips and professed my love for her right there.

I ordered the chicken, Susie ordered the lasagna.

My chicken tasted like rat. Not that I've ever eaten rat ... but on "Survivor" they said the rat tasted like chicken, so it's logical that the chicken could taste like rat, right??

Susie's lasagna tasted like a can of stewed tomatoes on top of a slab of cheese-flavored construction paper.

We both left more than half of our dinners on the plate and left the restaurant to step back into the mall and into the food court.

We both had the same idea.

We walked over to Chick-Fil-A, both ordered a chicken sandwich and promised each other that we would not step foot inside a Picadilly cafeteria for another 40 years.

Maybe by then we'll be able to appreciate all things Picadilly.

******************************************

Liss emailed me to ask me if I was the mastermind behind the latest "Let's Bash Uncle Bob" site.

I won't link it here, because I'll be g-damned if I want to give this piece of shit any more publicity than they have already garnered, but apparently it's a fantasy diary about me preying on young girls and raping them.

Flat out...rape is about the most unfunny thing imaginable. I may joke about a lot of things on this site, but rape has never been and never will be one of them. I've had friends and loved ones brutally raped and if one single act can destroy an entire life and those lives around it, that's the one.

Whoever's doing the site, I'm begging you to please stop and do the right thing. It's not funny, it's horribly offensive, and you should truly be ashamed of yourself.

And I mean ASHAMED.

And I would be telling you the SAME THING if it was Uberhamster or Dlove or one of the other guys here in Diaryland that you were attacking.

I know I've been preaching on Freedom of Speech lately and all ... but Jesus pal ... just be glad your personal life has never been affected by this sickest of crimes.

I hope you read this and I pray it at least moves you to understand that what you're doing is SOOOOO wrong and that you do the right thing and take it down immediately.

I'm not asking that you show me respect. Just have enough respect for yourself to think about what you're doing. It's not funny. You're not going to get any huge following backing you up on this. There's nothing to gain other than me mentioning it right here and letting you know that I disapprove of it more than anything I've ever seen on the web.

You're not hurting me. You're hurting others.

You can hate me all you want. But when you stick me in some sick little fantasy world of yours ... man...that's just wrong.

Do the right thing, man. Bash me all you want. Start an "Uncle Bob sucks" site if you want.

But have a little respect for those whose lives have been destroyed by this horrific crime.

I'm begging you.

It's not funny. It's not witty. It has no entertainment value whatsoever. It's just ignorant and embarrassing to you.

You can hate me all you want. And I've learned over the past few days that the only reason people hate me in Diaryland is because this site is fairly popular.

It's not ME.

It's this site.

So a buncha people read my diary every day? Is that so bad?? Is that a reason to hurt others?

Because believe me, pal. Your little site does NOT hurt my feelings in the least. Nobody would ever believe it was written by me, and I'm positive that you'll lose interest in it in a few days anyway and give it up.

Just lose interest in it today and spare the feelings of others BESIDES me.

Do the right thing.

************************************************

I gotta be honest...after that purging ... I don't feel much like doing a

QUESTION OF THE DAY

But here goes...

Have you ever eaten liver and onions and why or why not?"

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