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10:43:03 - 2001-01-26

PAINFUL MEMORIES OF GRANNY TRYING TO KILL MY ASS

Ugh.

I'm still sick. I haven't been sick like this for a lonnnng time.

I think this flu-thing, coupled with the twisted bone in my spine has REALLY kicked my ass.

So yesterday I go to the chiropractor to see Dr. "Oh! You've Got GOOD Insurance!"

After shooting the electric currents through my back (which, by the way, is about as relaxing as a spinal tap), he puts me on this table that has moving parts on it.

"Now," he says. "The table is going to shift and drop out from under you."

Naturally, I picture myself tumbling off the table at any given moment and consequently suing the pants off this shyster.

I'm laying face down on this table, he has his hands placed firmly on my shoulder blades when all of a sudden, the head rest drops about six inches and then shoots right back up again.

I guess I could compare it to riding a roller coaster that's jerking your head back and forth. Except my head wasn't positioned correctly, so when the table shot back up, it caught me in the cheekbone, sending me for a loop.

"Ow," I said casually. "That hurt."

"No pain, no gain," he says.

"But I think I'm supposed to have my head turned slightly," I said.

"Oh," he says. "Yeah ... that would help."

THAT WOULD HELP?!?

HELLLOOOOOO????

YOU'RE the doctor here, Buckwheat ... you should have maybe ... oh ... I dunno ... CHECKED to see if I was positioned right before you started punching me in the cheekbone with a table, you ignorant sack of shit.

Gawd!

I swear!!

So anyway ... he does this for all of 30 seconds and I'm done.

Well...not COMPLETELY done. I still have to go back today to let him pillage my insurance policy just a little more.

...rubble scrubble chiropractor...

__________________________________

After the chiropractor visit, I stopped and bought the "Me Myself and Irene" DVD because if I was going to lay on the couch all day and be miserable, I wanted to at least watch something entertaining.

I didn't laugh once. I laughed uproariously in the theater when I first saw it. But I was feeling so sickly that nothing could amuse me.

So I took my temperature.

100.5

That's pretty high for my fat ass. I'm usually at 98.2, seeing as I'm cold blooded.

That's right...my blood runs cold.

I'm like some kinda murderer, I am.

So when the thermometer said 100.5, that's when I REALLY started feeling ill.

I laid on the couch and just whined and moaned softly to myself, since there was nobody around to pamper me.

Then I napped for four hours.

Woke up ... still felt like shit.

Still feel like shit this morning.

__________________________________

I haven't been to work since Tuesday and I'm taking today off as well to try and nip this sick shit in the bud.

Andy's going to be home today, and my mother-in-law will be here to watch him.

I probably get along better with Susie's mom now more than ever.

But I'm going to feel kinda strange having her around the house all day with me. The truth is ... my biggest fear right now is getting Andy sick.

Because I almost died when I was his age.

(Cue dramatic music and spotlight on Uncle Bob)

I was three months old when my grandmother DEMANDED that she come to the house to see her newest grandbaby, Grandson Bob.

But Grandma had a bad case of the flu at the time.

....Annnnd ... she gave the flu to me.

...Annnnnd...I went into the hospital for several weeks, severely dehydrated and near death.

Modern medicine wasn't as advanced then as it is today. They couldn't clone my ass and make another Uncle Bob. Nope. I was IT.

Mom tells the story with relish today. She had never really liked her mother-in-law and when the woman almost killed me, that's a grudge my Mom had against her for the rest of Grandma's life.

In fact ... when Grandma died in 1994, we went to the funeral and during the visitation, Mom spat a loogy in my dead Grandma's face and tried to tip the casket over so she could stomp my Grandma's corpse.

Okay. Not really.

But...she and I both got the giggles at the funeral, which, looking back, wasn't all that cool.

So anyway ... I don't wanna be the one responsible for almost killing my son.

So I haven't really held him since Monday.

I think he's taking it personally.

__________________________________

He has started something that was kinda cute at first, but now it's bothering me.

He is CONSTANTLY sticking his tongue out ... something I taught him.

I had read that babies get a kick out of you sticking your tongue out at them. So ever since he could focus on my face, I've been sticking my tongue out and wagging it at him.

I guess it was Wednesday when I noticed he was doing it a LOT now.

Like...every waking moment.

It was cute because he was doing it and then smiling at us like "Look what I can do!"

Now...he just looks retarded. Which worries me because if he IS retarded, I sure hope he learns to keep his tongue in his mouth in public.

Then again, I could always use him for a stamp wetter. So we could at least get some mileage out of the little whippersnapper. Maybe rent him out to some of these bulk mail places where they need stamps licked on a continuous basis.

Once again ... it's the medication talking here, people. Please ... no emails on how I'm such a rotten parent.

__________________________________

Speaking of emails ... am I the world's WORST email returner??

I know I am. And I apologize.

I've gotten SO MANY emails here in the last two months or so that I haven't returned.

I KNOW I've got at least 200 emails that I have to return.

My problem is ... I feel like I'm gypping people when I just send a two sentence email back to them, but that's all I have time for.

My computer time has been cut back to just getting the diary caught up in the morning, checking in on a few other diaries, reading USA Today and Mr. Showbiz and then logging off.

I haven't been on Napster in a month if that tells you anything.

Does it tell you anything??

Hmmmm??

So...once again...my apologies to everyone who has taken the time to send me emails and not received one back from me.

I'm a horrible, horrible person.

I should be spanked.

Bare bottom ... open hand...spanked.

Any volunteers??

__________________________________

We were SUPPOSED to go bowling tonight with friends from Church.

I was honestly looking forward to it, because I've finally gotten to know these people and they all seem like a lot of fun.

The few times I've gotten together with these people, I was very uncomfortable because I wasn't an active member of the church and I felt like an outsider, barging in on all the fun.

Now I'm an active member. I'm on boards at church ... I have a ROLE in church now.

Soooo ... hanging out with some of the young adults sounded like fun.

But because of this damned flu thing, we decided it best to just stay home tonight.

I still have a fever...just checked ... 99.6.

I'm going back to bed for an hour or so.

Peace out to yer bad self.

__________________________________

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