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2:02 p.m. - 2001-09-13

I THINK I HAVE A GRASP ON THE SITUATION NOW

I was surfing the web this morning (I know, I know...WHAT A SURPRISE!!!), and I found some of the Taliban Taboos.

The Taliban are the religious nuts who are harboring Osammy Bin Laddy down in their basement. There's apparently a bunch of these Talibans. You go to Afghanistan and they're freakin' EVERYWHERE.

Anyway...some of their rules...


Prayer

Failure to pray to Mecca five times a day -- a requirement of the Muslim religion -- is punishable by imprisonment.

Women and driving

Drivers are prohibited from giving rides to women. Violators are subject to imprisonment.

Preventing idolatry

Portraits -- paintings and photos -- are said to promote idolatry and must be destroyed under the law.

Women and work

Women are banned from working outside the home except in the health sector. In hospitals, women are separated from their male colleagues.

Women and education

The Taliban forbids the education of women until institutions segregating them from men are established. Informal education of women can be punishable by law. For men, at least a sixth-grade education is required.

Entertainment

Music, except for religious chants, is prohibited in shops, hotels and vehicles, and at weddings and parties. Kite flying is considered "useless" and an obstacle to education. Hobbies like keeping pigeons also are forbidden.

Gambling

Forbidden and punishable by at least a month in prison.

Beards and barbers

Men who trim or shave their beards -- considered a sign of Islamic piety -- are imprisoned until their beard grows out. Taliban religious police have been known to employ "the fist rule." A beard must be long enough to be held in a fist. Barbers are banned from giving "American-style" haircuts.

Public bathing

The Taliban shut down public bathhouses for men and women, even though most Afghans lack running water. The Taliban says Islam forbids men and women to publicly display their bodies.


It almost makes you wonder...are we about to go to war with the Amish??

First off, we hear that Afghanistan is basically a ghost town of a desert. The people are dirt poor as they've sunk all their money into subpar rifles and filthy stinky robes.

So ... who the hell has money there to gamble away?? They're obviously gambling stuff like stones and broken bottles or something. If you get caught having to give another Taliban guy a stone you get a month in the clink.

Wait a second...they don't have running water, but they've obviously got one helluva prison there. Because you can't do anything without getting your butt tossed in the slammer.

They've got to pray five times a day. That's cool I guess. But who's in charge with counting?? Can't you just tell the Taliban police "Hey...I prayed this morning in the shower, you guys just weren't there to see it."

Of course not. Because there ARE NO SHOWERS.

Women can't ride in cars. Good idea. Not that I CONDONE this...I just UNDERSTAND it. If I had a dime for every time my wife bitched about my driving, I'd have several dollars already. Several dollars is a lot to these idiots who make your average Ethiopian look like Donald F'n Trump.

No paintings or photos. I understand this too. It's obvious. These people are so damned ugly I wouldn't want to look at myself either if I were them.

Women can't work. That explains why they're all so poor. TWO-INCOME FAMILIES, MOHAMMED!! Look into it.

Women have to be uneducated and the men must have a sixth grade education. If not...BAM!! Off to jail with you, Abdullah! Once again, this explains their vast ignorance.

No music except for religious chants??

Here's what we do...we send Marilyn Manson and Slipknot over there. They play a concert in the middle of the desert.

Mass suicide.

No kite flying or keeping pigeons?

...I guess this means no late night Cinemax either.

As far as the beards go, my fat ass can't grow a beard to save my life. I'd have two major patches on either side of my chin and that'd be it. My ass would have a prison cell with my name ENGRAVED in the door. Charlie Manson would be getting outta prison quicker than my follicle-challenged ass would be.

And lemme see if I get this straight...these ugly, hairy, greasy, uneducated bastards aren't allowed to bathe?

So is it fair that I may add "Shit-stinking goofy" right before "ugly" in that last sentence?

I think so.

No wonder these shit-stinking, goofy, ugly, hairy, greasy, uneducated bastards hate us.

Our women are educated, can drive, and are celebrated every time they get naked in public.

I'm beginning to understand the pent-up frustrations these morons must have.

And I believe it will take about twenty minutes to bomb every last one of their idiotic asses away.

....I think it's safe to say that I've entered the "anger" portion of the whole grieving process thingie...

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