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06:29:44 - 2000-04-30

SMOKING GRASS

Okay ... I've told y'all how my wife has gone temporarily insane due to her pregnancy ... correct??

With a baby on the way about to drain every single one of our finances, she's throwing money around like The Elephant Man in a whorehouse.

I got this new computer. It's nifty. It's wack. It's all the rage in England, Jack.

Yesterday, I'm mowing the yard and the lawn mower just peters out.

I go to crank it back up and almost dislocate my shoulder pulling the rope thingie.

It was stuck.

Being about as mechanically inclined as Christopher Reeve, I remove the oil cap and smoke pours out.

"Hmmmm" I think to myself. "I'm no mechanic, but I think there's s'posed to be oil in there and not smoke."

My quick deduction ... I'm out of oil.

No biggie. I'll run to the store and buy some oil.

Oops. I mean "Yes Biggie." It seems (and you probably didn't know this either)that when you let any kind of engine go without oil for an extended period of time, eventually it locks up the engine and that engine is as good as dead.

Now ... if you asked me the last time I put oil in the lawn mower, I will laugh so hard it will bring me to my knees and I'll start rolling around on the floor, holding my gut as I emit loud guffaws like a pregnant hippo.

I've NEVER put oil in my lawn mower.

EVER.

I've had the thing ten years. In that time I've had it serviced twice.

I'm sure THEY put oil in it.

But I sure as hell didn't.

So the Mrs. and I take a trip to Sears ... where America shops.

A kindly old gentleman named Emmett helped us.

He had sweet breath with a hint of gin left over from lunch. Nothing like Senor Shitbreath from Circuit F'n City...which proves that not all salesmen have shitbreath and are lying sonsofbitches.

Emmett gave us a tour of the lawn mower showroom, pointing out the pluses and minuses of all the lawn mowers.

Of course...the most expensive one was the best in Emmett's eyes.

I was expecting nothing less from my geriatric entrepreneur.

"SOLD!" Susie cried once she saw the golden lawn mower.

I gulped.

"Are you sure we can afford this with a baby on the way," I said.

"Well...the other lawn mower is shot," she deducted. "You get what you pay for...and we'd better spend this money before the baby comes because once it's here it's going to take ALL our money."

Ummmm...okay. I guess that's a decent deduction, Sherlock.

So, we waltzed outta Sears with the most technologically enhanced lawn mower on the face of the earth.

I got it home, got it set up and cranked that bad boy up.

Let's keep in mind...I'm used to pushing around a lawn mower whose self-propelling features went out before Clinton became president. Every week of every summer, I got a helluva workout pushing 120 lbs of metal around in the hot summer sun.

This bastard FLEW!!!

I just guided my new best friend as it danced around the yard, cutting EVERY SINGLE BLADE OF GRASS perfectly.

The old lawn mower was very selective about which blades of grass it cut and which ones it didn't.

And, more often than not, it didn't cut any of the blades of grass out of spite.

I was a sweaty bastard after finishing the yard in half the time it used to take me. The only reason I was sweating was because I had been walking faster than a deranged mall walker for the past hour. When I was done, the grass was smoking from being cut so quickly.

I shed tears of joy as I put the lawn mower up and looked at my yard. So beautifully manicured. Even if patches of the yard were dead, it still looked like a golf course to me.

I know most of you young ladies could give two shits about an old guy and his manicured lawn.

You just gotta be an old guy to understand.

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