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07:19:02 - 2000-02-12
From 1991-1992, I served as the U.S. Ambassador to Japan. I became keenly aware of their cultures and customs and quickly admitted to myself ... this was one wack assed country. Their poetry for instance. They don't even call it "poetry", they call it "haiku". WTF?? All Haiku is is a three line bunch of crap. The first line must have five syllables...the second seven syllables...the third, back to five syllables. Now that's some goofy shit. I had a friend over there named Koo Sum Kyung (I think she was Korean, but she tried to pass herself off as Japanese ... but c'mon ... that's like me trying to pass myself off as Fabio), and every time I would see her in public, I would say "Hi, Koo" and instantly, people would gather up chairs sit in a circle around me and wait for me to spew some Haiku. That is how I became known as Grand Haiku Master Bob, The American Dream in Japan. I released a few albums of me reading my Haiku over Hip-Hop beats, etc. No big deal. I won the Japanese equivalent of a Grammy (which they call, oddly enough, the "Glammy") for my work, which I have proudly displayed on my toilet tank. Anyway...all that aside ...here's some of my better Haiku poems, leading off with the Haiku poem that won me the Glammy for 1992, "Raisin Bread Hard" which featured a guest vocal by Yoko Ono and was remixed by Fatboy Slim. It was pretty wicked. RAISIN BREAD HARD Raisin Bread so hard IT SURE BEATS WORKIN' AT McSUSHI'S I like fighting fire JAPANESE TEENAGE BLUES Teacher gives me grief TURQUOISE BALLS Hey Baby! I'm hot! THE BALLAD OF JOHN AND DIARYLAND Diaryland Rules A FATHER'S TALK WITH HIS SON Fucking vaseline SUNDAY NIGHT RAVES SUCK Hey, what time is it? MY PUBLIC SERVICE HAIKU POEM THAT NEVER GOT OFF THE GROUND Libraries are fun PAGING DR. FREUD I once had a dream ASSID PAIN My ass is in pain As you can see....the Japanese welcomed my unique spin on their ancient form of poetry with open arms. I totally rocked Japan's world. Sadly, I lost my ambassadorship 200 days into my stint there. I was in the middle of a little brouhaha with some shifty Sushi salesmen and a ring of Japanese prostitutes with one eye that we called the "One Eyed Japs". I returned to America, a penniless bum, who worked his way up to being a dollarless bum in just one month. And the rest is history. Albeit a very cloudy one. This Diaryland Ring of Wackos site is owned by Previous 5 Sites Previous Next Next 5 SitesRandomizer List All Members
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