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09:54:44 - 2000-02-26

Uncle Bob just don't care anymore. You wanna read it...read it. You don't...don't. No more arm twisting.

A HAIRY SITUATION

You know how people sometimes make horrible mistakes in life that they would take back in a second if they only could?

Some people would have never married a multi-millionaire on live television.

Me? I wish I had never ever seen that damned Flowbee informercial.

For the uninformed, malnourished and folically challenged, the Flowbee is the haircutting device that you attach to your vacuum cleaner. It sucks your hair into some rotating blades and then sucks it straight into the vacuum cleaner.

When I first saw the Flowbee Informercial on TV, I scoffed at such an invention.

"Scoff, scoff," I scoffed to my wife.

"I agree," she said. "That's one thing you DON'T need."

...Of course...now I HAD to have it since she said I didn't NEED it.

Four to six weeks later, the UPS man dumped the box on my front door step and ran like hell.

That shoulda been an omen right there. Except I was about as aware as Helen Keller to all the signs around me.

(The ONLY reason I bought the Flowbee was because I could NOT find a decent hairdresser who could work with my hair. I was frustrated as hell, and this was my way of striking back at the hairdressing industry as a whole)

I oiled the blades of the Flowbee, called the wife into the den and told her to start flowbeeing me.

Here's a few of the things the Flowbee people don't tell you in their Infomercial:

*This is the loudest fucking thing you will ever own. Unless you own a 747.

* You will need to buy an electric hair trimmer, unless you want the back of your neck to look like Sasquatch's ass.

* The Flowbee is not recommended for people who want a hairstyle other than Moe's from The Three Stooges.

* The Flowbee is not a socially acceptable method of cutting one's hair and can lead to personal trauma and suicidal tendencies.

* The Flowbee will make your scalp look like a mangled penis.

It took me months to grow my hair back out to a point where little children didn't scream in my presence. I finally found a woman who could do justice to my mane of hair, and have been with her for years now.

The Flowbee sits in its original box at the top of my utility room's closet, silently mocking me.

I'm eventually going to sell it in a yard sale. Should bring top dollar, since there's a sucker born every minute.

And I'm a prime example of THAT shit.

I dunno...I think it'd be cool to have you as my Uncle Bob ...

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