QUIT ACTING LIKE A HARELIPPED MOOSE AND FIGHT, DAMMIT!

After thinking about it all morning...I bought Showgirls at lunch.

God...I LOVE how bad this movie sucks. Edweird and I were talking about it, since he saw it and hated it so much he wanted to turn it off. When he brought up the gawdawfully lame French Fry scene at the beginning and then the laughingly bad swimming pool sex scene...well that did it for me...I HAD to have this movie on DVD.

And now I do.

Oh...bought it at Circuit Shitty...who charged me half price for the DVD. It was marked 19.99 and the new guy at the counter charged me 9.99.

Say hello to Captain Unemployment for me, New Guy!!!

...Dumbass.

Oh yeah, I wanted to make sure that it wasn't just me and that The Bogus Witch Project was the absolute worst film ever put on celluloid.

I was right.

Don't believe me? Then check out the above link, you rancid cat ass. There's about two somewhat positive reviews there. The rest basically say it sucked more eloquently than I did.

I know...I know...you don't want to read a buncha negative reviews about a movie I already told you sucked pooch.

Fine.

Don't click on the link.

But believe me...I'll remember this.

I forgive ... but I don't forget, Pancho.

I'm getting some great suggestions on the message board for everyone's opinion on Worst movie ever.

Nobody's brought up "Battlefield Earth" yet. Then again, maybe we ALL know to stay away from that stinker.

Anyway...keep the suggestions coming. I especially like bad movies that are so bad they're funny. That's what "Showgirls" is. It tries to be serious, but it's so laughable that you can't possibly take them seriously.

Ummmmm...yeah.

Let's move on to something else ...

I've been trying to write a profile on an airport today.

You people have no idea how hard it is to write a story about an airport.

It's supposed to be 800 words long. I'm currently at a little over 400.

424 to be exact. I just checked.

I've already mentioned all the pertinent information of the airport. I covered the history...what goes on there now...and touched on what they plan to do in the future.

424 words.

I've reached the point in the story where I begin to earn my money.

It's time to switch to...Bullshit mode.

In bullshit mode, I can write volumes about an airport.

To wit:

"The vast skies illuminate each evening as the large and looming transportation units descend for yet another smooth transition from flight to utter stillness, like a sparrow being shot out of the sky by an overzealous and drunken duck hunter."

That's 40 words right there, kids. Ten sentences like that and I'm home free.

Yep.

I'm the bullshit mode master.

Fear me.

Soooooooo...where de Taliban go, mon?

Jeezum Crow...you would have THOUGHT they'd offered a bit more resistance than just throwing down their guns and running around like Daffy Duck on speed.

Granted...I know this war's not over yet. And I know the few thousand idiots that are still members of the Taliban have a few tricks still up their sleeve.

But Jeeminy Christmas ... didn't the Gulf War last a bit longer than these guys did?

Their own leader is telling them to stop acting like slaughtered chickens and get out there and fight. That's a helluva pep talk right there.

Meanwhile, the soldiers are getting their asses thrashed by the liberated people in the Northern Alliance.

I saw on the news this morning some footage of these now beardless Afghanistan people just kicking the holy crap outta some Taliban guy who was all bruised and bloodied and crying out for Osama.

Hey dude...Osama couldn't give a crap about you. He's in some cave cornholing a goat and calling it "Mommy". You getting your ass kicked by a bunch of old ladies who have flushed their veils down the toilet isn't high on his list of priorities right about now.

I know the war isn't over once we get rid of the Taliban and Osama. I know there's more to it than that.

But maybe...just MAYBE once the other idiots in this world see how easily we did away with the Taliban, they'll think twice before they blow up another plane.

Buncha damned slaughtered chickens...