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10:35:45 - 2000-05-21

IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT, STAY THE HELL OUTTA ALABAMA

Okay ... I've never actually been roasted alive ... but if I had, I'd say it HAD to be more pleasant than yesterday.

As me and the old lady are preparing for the mother of all yard sales, it was inevitable that we cleaned out our little storage cottage out back.

Holy Mary, Mother of God....PLEASE don't ever let me be that ignorant again.

Inside the cottage, it was over 100 degrees.

Me, being of sound body (but not mind ... and let's be honest...BARELY sound body)decided that I would take EVERYTHING outside, go through it all in the yard, then put everything back inside that we were keeping, drag everything inside the HOUSE that we were selling and drag everything to the STREET that we were throwing away.

I think the correct term for the fun little time I had is "Heat Exhaustion".

Yep...I think that's what they call it.

Anyway...as I laid there in the middle of the yard, clutching my chest and thinking I was having a heart attack, the wife kicked me in the side and told me to keep working.

I got up off the grass and resumed this Nazi-like torture.

By noon, we had put a dent in the cottage's contents.

I then made the wise decision to "hold some things" until the NEXT yard sale in a year or two.

Why throw everything out there at one time? Hmmmmm???

Well duh. Because we're trying to make money, Einstein.

Still...Susie could tell I was wearing down as I was taking baby steps to do everything. So she finally let me call it a day and she took her fresh, pregnant ass back in the house while I watered the yard with my sweat.

THEN...

Ohmygod...THEN....

Last night was some awards banquet thing for Susie's place of employment.

Susie works for Carquest, an auto parts distributor.

She works in a regional office here in the city in personnel. She's not actually in a store with three teeth protruding out of her mouth as she suggests various mufflers to rednecks.

....But THOSE are the people that were being awarded last night.

It was in the 90s as we all sat outside and choked down HOT BBQ chicken and HOT BBQ sandwiches and HOT baked beans ....

I thought I was going to faint numerous times. Not from the heat, but from the massive amounts of redneck white trash in attendance.

We sat with Susie's boss and his wife. Ironically...her boss's wife went to the same high school that I did in Hendersonville, Tennessee and graduated a year behind me.

Small world, babe.

We knew this already, since we found it out at a previous function that we all sat at.

So she and I always talk about our old high school days. Even though we didn't hang out in the same cliques, we did know some of the same people.

Plus, she's real catty and sarcastic, which is what I look for in my wife's boss's wives.

So, while the awards were being presented to all the rednecks, Beth (the boss's wife) and I sat and catcalled from the back.

One guy named Bruce won a few awards. So (of course), we kept bellowing "BROOOOOOOOOOCE" like we were at a Springsteen concert.

A guy named Dick Titus won a few awards. The name itself is funny ...Tight Dickus...but I punctuated it with a "BIG DICK!" punchline while everyone applauded like Madonna had just been introduced.

Only people in our general area could really hear us, and it was dark out so nobody knew it was us.

But it makes me wish I had dated the gal in high school. If she was half as funny then as she is now, we woulda hit it off perfectly.

Alas...I'm stuck with a money-grubbing, strict disciplinarian with no sense of humor.

....But she does have some nice tits...

So I guess I'll keep her.

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