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10:05:38 - 2000-08-23

HAIRDRESSERS, HEART ATTACKS AND HELL ON ICE

*grin*

I was just checking out the message board...

............................................

............................................

....Some of you people are SICK!!!

Of course...I'm talking about your "Weird Food" combinations.

Two words of advice...GET HELP!!!

I read some of them and was fighting hard to not gag.

Ah well...I still love ya, ya warped lil' shits.

So anyway...

Got a call yesterday from my good buddy Chuck at the United Way.

I got to know Chuck pretty well a few years back when I tried to spearhead a Halloween Haunted House to raise money for the United Way. Y'see...living in the buckle of the Bible Belt...the overwhelming majority of citizens in this town feel Haunted Houses are EVIL and wanted nothing to do with them. So for years, they were shut down.

I need to tell y'all the whole story of that Haunted House some other day. It was actually pretty cool, considering we were working on a shoestring budget and I NEVER had enough volunteers working there.

But that's another story for another time.

Chuck calls me and wants to ask a "favor".

Which means...he wants to draw me into a public appearance that will make me look like an ass.

...Which...is pretty much my gig in life. Go out in public and make people laugh at the poor uncoordinated fat boy.

He asked me to be on a team of media people to take on the local mall's Teen Team in a game of Broomball.

I've never played Broomball, but I'm guessing it's like hockey with brooms.

...Because we're playing it on an ice skating rink in the middle of the mall.

My first response..."I can't ice skate, Chuck."

Not a problem...we're all going to have sneakers and jeans on.

My second response..."I don't wanna fall and bust my ass, Chuck."

Not a problem...he's already decided he wanted me to play goalie.

My third response ... "I don't wanna lose to a bunch of teenage girls, Chuck."

Not a problem ... it's all for charity and nobody cares who wins or loses.

I've got a baaaaad feeling about this. I'm probably the most uncoordinated guy in America that still has full use of his arms and legs.

Let's face it...running around on ice ... how smart does that really sound?

Anyway ... it's too late now. I've already told Chuck I'll do it and he's all giddy. It's me and a bunch of radio and TV people doing this and it's getting a lot of publicity already. It should be fun as long as I don't break any bones.

And of course, you'll get a full recap of the event on Sunday.

*************************************

Well ... I thought I was going to die yesterday.

I was having some SEVERE heartburn at work. Everyone thought I was having a heart attack. Well ... not everyone. One woman asked if my arm was hurting, which it wasn't. But I have a feeling a lot of people were THINKING I was having a heart attack.

Mainly because of my constant BITCHING that my chest hurt for hours on end.

It was NOT a good day at work yesterday.

I showed up and our computer system had went KAPUT.

EVERYTHING that we needed was on a hard drive that had fizzled out and was gone.

I had 64 stories typed in and ready to go....GONE.

All the photos for the paper....GONE.

Any unusual porn we had downloaded off the web ...GONE.

The one saving grace was ... my boy Mattie Gee had the foresight (and foreskin) to save last week's paper on CD. So we had templates to work with.

But I had to sit and type in 20 newspaper pages full of stories.

At 10 a.m. we had decided that it was going to be a lonnnnng day ... we would be there until at least midnight.

We left at 7:30 p.m. with everything finished.

We rocked, seriously busting ass.

I didn't eat the entire day, which may have contributed to my heartburn. Maybe not. I dunno.

Anyway, I'm alive and feeling great. Thanks for asking.

No really .... thanks.

************************************

Well ....tonight's the big night ...

I'm picking Rudy.

I read this much ... the winner of "Survivor" has already signed a deal with Reebok to endorse their shoes.

Now then...think in your head ... which one would be the best shoe endorser?

Obviously, the worst would be Sue. Her redneck ass wouldn't cut it. "Hey youze guys...buy these fucking shoes or I'll kick yer aaaasss."

I just can't see it.

Kelly ...maybe. She has that Olympic look to her ... an ugly endorser.

Rich ... ummmmmm...no offense ... but I could see Reebok stocks plummeting if Rich was an endorser. He's just too arrogant and pompous to get people to buy stuff.

Rudy? Shit. Rudy is marketable.

Wouldn't you wear a Rudy t-shirt? A picture of Rudy with "Life Is A Pain In The Ass" written in big bold letters on a t-shirt???

Hotcakes, baby. Hotcakes.

I say it will come down to Rudy and Richard. I've been saying this for weeks. And if the jury has to pick, they're picking Rudy hands down. Just to see if they can gang up on Rich and make him cry like a little girl.

In a few hours, we'll see if I'm right.

***************************************

I received the most unintentionally funny book in the mail yesterday.

It's written by a hairdresser in Birmingham, Alabama. I haven't read the thing and don't plan to. But it's called "Sugar Ray and Celebrity".

It's an autobiography by this old black guy that once cut the hair of Sidney Poitier.

Oh my gosh! THAT'S worth writing an autobiography!!!

....The autobiography is 17 pages long.

That's right...no typo...this book is 17 pages long.

That is...if you don't count the 18th page.

Which is apparently a Cast of Characters for the movie that this guy wants to see made of his book.

...Of course...this guy has Denzel Washington playing himself.

Am I the only one who sees the humor in this??

I know small children who haven't done SHIT with their lives yet ... and they could have at LEAST a 30 page autobiography.

The audacity of including a Cast of Characters for this movie in your head about yourself strikes me as the funniest thing in the world.

And he has EVERY black actor in this movie. Halle Berry, Sherman Helmsley, Garrett Morris, Tisha Campbell, Chris Rock, Ben Vereen, Malcolm Jamal-Warner....

...He even included Jimmie "Dy-no-MITE!!" Walker from "Good Times".

And Fred Berry ... the guy that played Rerun on "What's Happening?"

Yeah...I could see Denzel sharing the movie screen with Kid Dynomite and Rerun...yeah...that's not too tough to imagine...

NOT!

Here's the first paragraph of the book verbatim...

"My father worked for the L&N Railroad. He was unloading some boxes from a train and a box fell on his hand and mashed it. Doctors tried to save his hand, but infection set in. When this happened, L&N Railroad paid off a Dr. Smith to state that my father died from heart trouble."

When the hell did this guy die?? He went from a smashed hand with an infection to DEATH?!?

This is clearly the example of some poor soul who's buddies kept telling him "Yo man, you need to write a book!!"

I think that's because his buddies are so ignorant, this guy's attempt at writing may be the only thing they could comprehend in a book.

SUGAR RAY'S BUDDIES: "Shit man...when yo' daddy dies in the book....that's when I just LOST IT, man..."

I really wish I could share this with all of you...this book. I can't wait to read it.

Actually, it's probably the only autobiography you'll ever be able to start and finish during a bowel movement.

I just noticed ... the book sells for seven dollars.

Which ... is the same price as a fine bottle of Thunderbird.

Coincidence?

I think not.

*****************************************

QUESTION OF THE DAY

What would you name your autobiography?

OR

Who do you think will win "Survivor"?

*****************************************

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